The world around us disappears

I am posting this dream a day later, so I hope that I have not forgotten much of it.  The dream was the first dream in a series that I have had and been able to remember so well.

It’s hard to pin point exactly how it started, but I was over by a close friend’s house on my bike and somehow I ended up inside.  I heard someone coming and knew that I wasn’t supposed to be there, so I hid in this room that seemed more like a pantry stacked full of random items.  My friend’s partner came in the room and found me.  I felt like I was hiding like a scared mouse.  I was confused as to why I was in their house, but he seemed less than surprised.

I stood near the door way talking to him.  The topic of conversation escapes me but it was a calm and casual conversation.  She sat behind me shaking her head ‘no’ as if she didn’t want me to say something, but there was nothing controversial being said.  I came to and left from the house a few times.  The house was debilitates and the best way that I can describe it is it was like a rundown drug house.  The front room was made out of a school bus that was falling apart and had been painted white.  There seemed to be way too many people living there and I found out that she was sleeping on a pull out couch with several other people, so I urged her to leave with me.  She never seemed willing to leave.

The area seemed like a war zone, I had to stay alert as I rode my bike over to her house each time.  Once I was passing her house as I heard the car approaching, it sputtered and broke down right out side the house and I was attempting to help him fix it.

In one of the times that I was coming or going, I starting talking to this girl, she introduced herself with the same name as my friend.  I didn’t think much of it but later I told my friend and she gave me a concerned look and told me that this girl’s name was Ophelia and she has no idea why she would lie and tell me otherwise.  She suggested that I stay away from her because she was bad news.

Throughout the dream, I was trying to convince my friend that she should leave with me and that she deserved better than this.  She continuously refused, but I could see in her eyes that she wanted to go.

At some point in my dream, I had had my bike right there with me and the next thing I knew, it was missing.  I searched for it frantically for a moment and then suddenly gave up and just walked off.

After I told someone about my dream and started to think about it more, more details came back to me.  I looked up a few things and I was surprised as to what I found.

The name Ophelia is a Greek baby name. In Greek the meaning of the name Ophelia is: Help.

Bicycle

To dream that you are riding a bicycle signifies your desires to attain a balance in your life. You need to balance work and pleasure in order to succeed in your current undertakings. If you have difficulties riding the bicycle, then it suggests that you are experiencing anxieties about making it on your own. If you are riding a push bike, then it means that you want to move forward at your own pace and by your own power.

Shack

To see a shack in your dream represents your undeveloped self. You need to expand your Self. Alternatively, the dream may also be a pun on “shacking up”.

Car

To dream that your car won’t start indicates that you are feeling powerless in some situation.

Hiding

To dream that you are hiding suggests that you are keeping some secret or withholding some information. You may not be facing up to a situation or dealing with some issue. However, you may be getting ready to reveal something and confess before somebody finds out. In particular, to dream that you are hiding from some authority figure (police, parent, teacher…), implies feelings of guilt.

War

To dream of a war signifies disorder and chaos in your waking life You are experiencing some internal conflict or emotional struggle which is tearing you up inside. Alternatively, the dream indicates that you are either being overly aggressive or that you are not being assertive enough. Perhaps you need to be prepared to put up a fight in some area of your life.

‘I could leave but I won’t go, it’d be easier I know’

Getting out of bed in the morning is always the hardest part.  Maybe I should change the time that I have been taking my medicine.  People say it can make a difference.  I strolled into work a casual 20 minutes late but no one complained.  Luckily, last Thursday I went straight into work and took the next available day off.  Thank you last week me for knowing that this week me would still not want to have anything to do with work.  It’s almost like I have been here before and I just don’t want to see another self fulfilled prophecy, so I can’t even talk about that, but I plan on doing things a lot differently.

Last time I felt like I had lost everything that I had dreamed about for so long, I went a little… wild.  I was on a search for something that is not easy to find and I went about it all the wrong way for so long.  In about 2012 I had realized that it just wasn’t working for me and quit dating ladies.. I actually hadn’t called anyone my girlfriend since 2009, until I met her.

She called me her girlfriend first, and since I wasn’t trying to find myself in some weird embarrassing situation, I was sooo clear.  I had asked her if we were actually together, you know, before I went and told the whole world.  It was a Saturday, it was slow at work, and I actually posted it on facebook and oh did my friends react..   I never told her but she’s not on facebook and would probably have considered it all silly anyway.  (To see the reactions)  The first one to comment was a girl that I had started to talk to briefly in May.  I had actually been at her mother’s benefit the day that I had met said lady.  Every time i wear those jeans and button up shirt together, i think of that day.  The shoes that I were wearing haven’t been worn since about that time.  Maybe they didn’t make me feel sophisticated enough for her.

The point of thinking about that was that, I never changed my relationship status away from that.  In July when she broke up with me, I left it stay the same for a while.  My friend Amber said that if I didn’t change it I would look crazy.. So I made it private.  I’m sure that’s less crazy.  Now, every time I open my facebook, on the right it says “In a relationship” and I get just a little sad thinking about how absolutely excited I was when I believed that I had everything I had been dreaming about.

Which leads me to thinking about how she just made my heart flutter so much by just walking in the door less than a month ago.  Maybe I shouldn’t have ignored the yellow flowers.  It does mean friendship, after all.  They were the ones standing out like my animation reference.  The denial was too strong.  The fantasy was also.  We have a way of seeing what we want to and ignoring the rest.

She is someone that I would tight rope walk on the bendy line of my out stretched morals while reminding myself to quit looking down so I’m not so afraid of falling.   I am scared of heights but no afraid of falling.

Now if I can just convince myself to leave her alone until she wants to have me back in her life.  Until then I am making changing to make sure I am easier to deal with.  She shouldn’t have to deal with me and my jealousy.

If the question ever arises, “Why would I spend time messing with a website that no one may see?”  The answer is simple: Someone may read it, and it may make a difference, specifically referring to only one person of course.  And if not, what do I have to lose?  It’s my attempt to do a little better about that walking away so tough and never looking back thing.  I only expected it to last a few weeks but it seems that I never even made it to the first step.. for me to shut the heck up.  It seems impossible.  The forces at be are more powerful than my amazing will power.. That’s all.

Updated: March 2018 – Image and tags