Do You Remember

Her friend tried to video call me on fb while I was working, so I messaged her back to see what was going on. She was at the river killing time in town and needed to find somewhere to be for a few more hours as her house sold. I had only met her once, probably in 2014 – which was a night I will always remember, because it was the first time that I was introduced to any of her friends. Well I told her that she as welcome to come over, that my lunch break was about to start but after that hour I would be working again but she was welcome to hang out as long as she wanted. I didn’t want to turn her friend away. I thought she must be desperate if she was asking me. After she left, I had a smile on my face and in my heart. A few things arose in conversation, though I tried to stay away from the subject – of course I listened anyway.

I was left with a few questions that I either answered my self or don’t really need to ask.

Why did she say she was a lesbian? I mean, I know she is but how does her straight friend know so confidently? This was an unprompted comment that was in response to her frustration that she was back with the boy.

How was he raised, what did that even mean, what is weird about him?

The only question that I asked seemed completely appropriate and that was asking if he was dangerous or violent. She laughed and did not think that he was.

When she said that he was leaving soon to go to some music festival, I wanted to ask more – but all I really had to do was go to sleep and when I woke up I knew that it was the Chicago Riot Fest without any question about it.

I also grew suspicious about how strategic the seeds were that her friend had planted. It wasn’t a bad thing but I kept replaying the conversations over in my head. It didn’t all come up at once and she certainly was not the topic of conversation at all but it seemed that every time we went out to the backyard for her to smoke a cigarettes, she would get to thinking and say something in a venting way – I tried to just listen but she was talking about the love of my life and giving me inside info – on purpose or on accident, I wasn’t going to pry but I also wasn’t going to stop her. I trusted her to be a good friend to my future lady and over all I think her intentions were pure.

I tried not to react when his name came up. I tried to keep all of my options to myself and I think that I did a pretty good job. She kept talking about her current boyfriend or someone that she is in love with. I felt lead to open up but I resisted. One of the last things I said to her, which seemed like a funny ‘joke’ at the time and related to what she was saying about the guy – well I decided to say, “So are you saying that I should tell M that I am in love with her.” She laughed and said, “I think she already knows.”

I repeated: “I think everyone knows..” and that’s about where it ended.

When I was trying to avoid messaging her so much when she was having some radio silence, I tried to meet new friends online because I thought I would feel less alone. I talked to 2 people for a little while, one about 3D printing and art stuff and the other – about pets and things I guess – kind of nothing. It certainly didn’t fill any holes and I guess life doesn’t work like that. I’ve kind of already stopped talking to them just because I don’t even know what to say and even though I felt like my profile was pretty clear that I was only interested in friends and I never once even thought about the conversations as anything else – I purposely only messaged women I was not attracted to – then again, I can’t say that I can think of any women I am attracted to but her – it’s weird but I just have no interest. Well the reason for writing whatever I am writing here is that after Maddison joked asking how M felt about me talking to these women, I replied with something bitter like, “I don’t know she won’t talk to me.” After the shocked reactions that uncomfortably lasted for what felt like over 5 minutes, I followed up with, “and probably nothing because I would like to think she trusts me completely. That night Maddison didn’t even say anything mean because she was so shocked that M wasn’t talking to me. I kept most all of the details to myself because I don’t think it is anyone else’s business but once in a while my heart slips out and spills all over the place. This site is a 7 year running example of that.

I probably don’t tell her anything about the times it has happened before, I usually keep that to myself but this time everyone noticed the way I was acting but I really just felt like I wanted to be alone. Everyone was complaining that I was difficult to be around and well – my response was – then go away. That never happened and the complaints stopped so, I guess I am not an asshole anymore – that’s a nice change. Just give me time. I have a lot of work to do but I continue to try and learn every day.

There’s so much I want to say to her but I am terrified of losing touch. I have a few weeks to think of what I want to do and hopefully we can have the deepest conversation of our lives soon. I just hope that she can put her trust in me.

Today, this song crossed my mind:

When I was watching the news today, I saw coverage on a fatal shooting that happened out in Hills of Hays. I guess it’s a pretty big deal – but the news clip reminded me about what exactly I feared. The clip was talking about warning signs of domestic violence and I am sure part if it goes along with caring about her so much and wanting the best for her, but I have always feared that I would ignore obvious red flags just because I didn’t want to be too pushy or over step anything. I remind myself that I could be paranoid because of the way I grew up with my parents. My dad was subject to physical, emotional and mental abuse for as long as I can remember. He kept trying to help my mom because he loved her and she was his kids’ mother. I had not been around that type of manipulation in a long time, so I forgot what it was like until Maddie started treating me like I owed her everything and she could tell me what I could and couldn’t do. It just made it all so much more real for me. I realized that as much as I said I would never let anyone tell me what to do – there I was, following orders even though I didn’t agree. Everyone would tell me to get the fuck out and I knew that I needed to but it wasn’t that easy. It wasn’t that easy at all. The harder it was for me and honestly, I am not completely free from it yet but I am trying really hard to distance myself as much as possible until she moves, but it made me realize that it could happen to anyone and that my fears weren’t that far fetched. A few people really sat me down and talked to me about things when they observed concerning behaviors and it helped me some. It really took her behavior with this other girl to finally upset me enough to not want to be part of any of it at all. I don’t know why I am rambling on at this point but it’s important to me to say that I can handle anything and I’m not scared – ultimately. I cherish our friendship.

Here’s a random cute song to counteract that.