Today, I faced my fears.. and gave her the card that was burning a hole in my pocket. She was perfectly sweet to me, just as I expected. My new computer watch was even noticed, I’d hate to tell her I have no idea how to use the thing. I hope it brightens her day and fills her heart with warmth. She looked a little sad, but I would never try to hold a whole conversation with someone at work. I kept it professional and then left.
This was the first song that I took note of on the radio this morning. I think that there was one on when I got in the car but it must not have been very impactful.
This morning before work, this image game me some hope, inspiration and all those important things. It really made me think about security and the deepest of feelings for someone. I never let society define me… or my love.
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When I say that I am always completely honest, that is a lie…
I always keep her feelings in mind. It isn’t always the first thing I think about and sometimes I have to calm down and remind myself what’s really important before I stop acting so childish.
If I told her how I really felt….
I would be afraid that I was providing a bias opinion. I know that no one would would give a shit about that but her feelings and best interests are what seem to be most important to me.. Which is exactly why at this point I just want her to tell me that she’s fine but she’s too busy to talk to me. Why is that comforting? I have no clue but I get pretty scared of some irrational things.
Do I really believe all of the things I imagine? I sure as fuck hope not, but crazy shit does happen. I never thought I would end up in such a situation. Just thinking about it all is enough to make me want to cry right now. One can imagine what I was like when I actually did read that post.
Did I say that I read it over and over again? Just to make sure.. that’s what it said. It never changed, and stayed up for so long.
When I think about that – I wonder how she felt when she read my reply – it actually devastates me to think about it. Just recently I was thinking about this, in a, I know its not easy being her either, type way…
We were out to dinner, eating a very nice burger and fries, when this song distracted me from our conversation. I said something small and tried to act like my life wasn’t completely consumed by my feelings for her. People like when you can play it cool.. I smiled, I’m sure she knew… Now I keep replaying it in my head and thinking about her..
Any time that a tool some comes on, my mind drifts away to somewhere else.
Last night as I was playing the lateralus album while my friend Joy was hanging out. I wouldn’t even notice my complete distraction. She would catch me staring off into space following the lyrics in my head which always leads me to think about something else. When she would ask what was wrong, i would say nothing and pretend it was nothing. She knew better and made me change the music.
and I also seem to be a bit into this one but it’s not my favorite
I went up to Austin to busy myself. Went to Central Market to meet Jenn for lunch. She wanted to know how things were going with us. The last she heard I was gushing about how great things were and how I thought things were going to be different this time. She had always seen something in us, ever since she met us at the party. It’s always nice to have people that encourage something that turned out to be so controversial.
While I was at Central Market, I stumbled into the isle that had all things that smell good. There may have been 2 or 4 isles. It got pretty over whelming. I knew exactly what I was looking for and had no idea all at the same time. Would you have found it endearing? This is something that I asked myself as I continued to search for the smell that I knew would bring me some peace. Why do I have to admit to being so weird? Why am I so open about all of this? No one would imagine how closed and scared that I tend to be. Okay, maybe someone would notice how scared I get. Back to my venture to determine, “What is that fragrance that I associate with her?” I never found it. After I developed a head ache from smelling every essential oil and natural bar of soap, I wondered off to the bathroom to go before I drove home. In my moment of weakness, I sent one of those shameless texts… Never expecting an answer, but thinking about how nice it would be if it was just that easy. Smells are powerful.. All that psychology and stuff. Since I have nothing left to lose but dignity (ha who am i kidding?) my bracelet still has that smell to it slightly. These are things that I am far too tough to think about ever, but I suppose you make me secure in my femininity, if it can even be called that.
After that I stopped at Goodwill on Lamar and bought this pretty cool camera thing for a bike. It has a fisheye lens on it and a strap. Once I got home, Lauren and her new girlfriend came over. Honestly, it reminded me of when we used to hang out with her and Rachel. Today no matter what I did to distract myself, I was left — with my mind somewhere else. I was determined to come back and write about something happy.
This post was an attempt of — something — but I am pretty sure I was all over the place with my tense and did a horrible job at expressing myself.
Today I spent a few moments in immature thinking land. While visiting I thought things like:
..Well I guess I didn’t buy the right car after all. (haha WTF is wrong with me)
..Damn Nine Inch Nails coming to concert and messing my whole life up. (Really?)
and the exceptional gem:
..I must have pissed the wrong guy off in high school. (Probably but I don’t think it lead to this)
There are equally absurd and I know that in my heart that she wouldn’t stop talking to me over a car. If it was about the Nine Inch Nails concert comments, then it was just the final straw, it wasn’t my first jealous outburst. As far as the guy part.. who knows, he may have been like “fuck that bitch,” I can’t say that I have ever been very popular with men. Especially in high school.. that was a really rough time for me and at least some of the people that live with her did not make that any better. In all reality, that would be just as crazy as the other two options but these are things that go through my head along with way too many other things.
Today I thought about the Saturday that she went to a party in San Antonio and how she said, “Oh I just assumed that you would go with me,” but I had to work. That was in person later followed by a text saying that her friends would’t let her stay home.. that day circled in my head for a while today.. I always came back to the same question, “What would have happened if I would have skipped work to go?”
I was just always waiting to go somewhere or do something with her but every time that I thought ‘this’ would be the time, something would change. It’s hard not to think that I was doing something wrong, but she was convincing the last night we were able to talk. She left me believing that it was never due to a lack of caring.. which means more than I can explain.
Updated: March 2018, Image, tags, embedded video link
