There are too many lines that speak to me in this song. Today I had my 5 year anniversary at work. Next week will be my 31st anniversary in this world. It’s strange to notice that I still learn and grow every day.
Updated: March 2018 – Image
Danica Sills
‘Staring at the bottom of your glass, hoping one day you’ll make a dream last’
Today my song didn’t come to when I was driving back to work but when I was coming home from the hospital after visiting my friend, Ronnie… She had to have some random surgery, pretty scary stuff, but when I left.. I was still reminded her by that damn radio.
Last night, around midnight, I got a call from Ronnie. She had already told me that she had to leave work early because she was sick and that she had to get surgery today. When she called me back later, she asked me if I would come stay up there with her.
It was the first time that I had ever slept at a hospital before. As I was driving up there, I was convinced that there was no way that they would let me even go back there to see her. I’ve seen ‘If These Walls Could Talk 2″ and I have felt.. very much in a patriarchy world lately, but much to my surprise, no one batted an eye and everyone was really nice. The chair made into a bed and they gave me a blanket a pillow. She is just a friend that has become important to me.
When you sleep at a hospital, you don’t. When I am woken up every hour for whatever they are doing, it takes me that long to get back to sleep. Around 5 am I decided to get up and go home. She was getting blood work done and I don’t need to see.. blood. My sister dropped off my niece and I slept until I had to put her on the bus at 6:45. My bed has never felt so inviting. It couldn’t have hurt that I had to wash all of my sheets and blankets on account of my dog becoming tragically ill during this lovely week. So after the kid was on the bus, of course I had to sleep just a little longer.
The dream seemed so real so I couldn’t even imagine how it started. When I have a dream that all of my teeth are falling out, it always happens the same way. It’s always a jagged, bloody mess. I can’t say that there is ever any physical pain but always a feeling of panic and embarrassment. This morning in my dream I was wearing some kid of retainer and my teeth were all just so loose. Something happened differently this time. From past dreams, I never remember trying to do something about it, just putting my broken teeth in my pocket or something. Today in my dream, I had called my grandmother to ask her if I could borrow money to go to the dentist. It seems so strange like, what the heck is the dentist going to do but.. it’s what happened. I don’t remember how she responded at all but I remember specifically telling her that I only had $200. From what I know about dentistry, I wasn’t going to get much for that $200.
My alarm had been set, but somehow I had turned it off, maybe just to lay down for one more minute. Something suddenly woke me and work had started 15 minutes ago. More concerned that I had all of my teeth, I went and brushed my teeth and rushed off to work. My hair may have looked like… well awesome. and I was in the clothes that I slept in at the hospital, but I went to work.. and I had all my teeth.
That moment that I realize the song I referenced has nothing to do with my post at all, but was part of my day and I am pretty sure that is completely related. We all know that I have no clue what I am talking about at this point anyway.
Updated: March 2018 – Link to video, image and tags
‘I could leave but I won’t go, it’d be easier I know’
Getting out of bed in the morning is always the hardest part. Maybe I should change the time that I have been taking my medicine. People say it can make a difference. I strolled into work a casual 20 minutes late but no one complained. Luckily, last Thursday I went straight into work and took the next available day off. Thank you last week me for knowing that this week me would still not want to have anything to do with work. It’s almost like I have been here before and I just don’t want to see another self fulfilled prophecy, so I can’t even talk about that, but I plan on doing things a lot differently.
Last time I felt like I had lost everything that I had dreamed about for so long, I went a little… wild. I was on a search for something that is not easy to find and I went about it all the wrong way for so long. In about 2012 I had realized that it just wasn’t working for me and quit dating ladies.. I actually hadn’t called anyone my girlfriend since 2009, until I met her.
She called me her girlfriend first, and since I wasn’t trying to find myself in some weird embarrassing situation, I was sooo clear. I had asked her if we were actually together, you know, before I went and told the whole world. It was a Saturday, it was slow at work, and I actually posted it on facebook and oh did my friends react.. I never told her but she’s not on facebook and would probably have considered it all silly anyway. (To see the reactions) The first one to comment was a girl that I had started to talk to briefly in May. I had actually been at her mother’s benefit the day that I had met said lady. Every time i wear those jeans and button up shirt together, i think of that day. The shoes that I were wearing haven’t been worn since about that time. Maybe they didn’t make me feel sophisticated enough for her.
The point of thinking about that was that, I never changed my relationship status away from that. In July when she broke up with me, I left it stay the same for a while. My friend Amber said that if I didn’t change it I would look crazy.. So I made it private. I’m sure that’s less crazy. Now, every time I open my facebook, on the right it says “In a relationship” and I get just a little sad thinking about how absolutely excited I was when I believed that I had everything I had been dreaming about.
Which leads me to thinking about how she just made my heart flutter so much by just walking in the door less than a month ago. Maybe I shouldn’t have ignored the yellow flowers. It does mean friendship, after all. They were the ones standing out like my animation reference. The denial was too strong. The fantasy was also. We have a way of seeing what we want to and ignoring the rest.
She is someone that I would tight rope walk on the bendy line of my out stretched morals while reminding myself to quit looking down so I’m not so afraid of falling. I am scared of heights but no afraid of falling.
Now if I can just convince myself to leave her alone until she wants to have me back in her life. Until then I am making changing to make sure I am easier to deal with. She shouldn’t have to deal with me and my jealousy.
If the question ever arises, “Why would I spend time messing with a website that no one may see?” The answer is simple: Someone may read it, and it may make a difference, specifically referring to only one person of course. And if not, what do I have to lose? It’s my attempt to do a little better about that walking away so tough and never looking back thing. I only expected it to last a few weeks but it seems that I never even made it to the first step.. for me to shut the heck up. It seems impossible. The forces at be are more powerful than my amazing will power.. That’s all.
Updated: March 2018 – Image and tags