come to my window

What do they know about this love anyway

• by admin • In Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Music, Rock •   Comments Off on What do they know about this love anyway

Last night I had two very strange dreams but I think an interesting fact to add is that right before I fell asleep, I accidentally video called here and I was beside myself. I went to bed early just because I was embarrassed.

The dream that I remember from that night was probably related. It took place across the street from my childhood home that I lived in until about 2nd grade. We had walked across the road to the neighbors house and they had some sort of gym / obstacle course set up for the public. As I approached, I realized that C was in line a few people ahead of me and suddenly I was concerned that I was topless and I didn’t want him to see me. So I went home to put a shirt on. I seem to have a lot of dreams where I am completely comfortable being topless and then something happens and suddenly I am not confident anymore. Before I got nervous, I saw that he was there with 2 women – and as I started to get nervous, I realized that neither were here. I started to get defensive for her and then realized she probably didn’t care or at least didn’t want to care so I did not take it upon myself to tell her. In my dream, I guess I wanted to protect her and did not want him seeing me. Possibly common themes in my life. Once I got back after putting a shirt on, he was no where to be seen.

The is the only dream that I had at night. I was watching the kid and she was asleep next to me. She wakes up earlier than I do so when she does, she wants to watch ‘shows’ on my phone. I had given her my phone and put something on and fallen back to sleep. It may have been my guilty conscience yelling at me but the next dream that I had involved a bus. I had been driving the bus with her in it down the highway and we stopped at my house on the way to the destination. She is 5 years old which will be relevant in a minute. In my dream, I came inside and told her I was going to take a nap and then next thing I know is that she is missing and so is the bus. Somehow I am able to call this 5 year old and I have found out that she has made it back to the highway with this bus. I keep telling her to pull over and she keeps telling me that she doesn’t know how. For some reason I have no car so now I am stuck calling her mom begging her to come get me so we can go find the kid who is out driving this bus. Basically, I could not get her to cooperate or take anything seriously and I was freaking the fuck out. I am going to throw some words down here too look at later then head to bed.

I have someone to meet in dream land and I would hate to be late. Since my eyes are growing heavy – I know that she must be waiting to hold me close.

Gymnasium

To dream that you are in a gymnasium indicates that you need to apply what you learned and incorporate it into your daily life. Alternatively, the gym may be telling you that you need to get more exercise.

Obstacle Courses

To dream that you are going through an obstacle course symbolizes the hardships and difficulties that you are experiencing in your waking life. It represents the things that you must overcome in order to reach your goals. The elements in the obstacle course is analogous to the barriers and problems in your life.

Nudity indicates fear of exposure:

Becoming mortified at the realization that you are naked in a public place may reflect your fear of being exposed and feelings of shame. You may be hiding something and are afraid that others can see right through you. Hence, you dream of yourself naked!

Nudity indicates insecurity:

Your naked dream may also point to insecurity issues. You feel that all eyes are always on you – laughing at you, judging you or criticizing you. Being naked magnifies the notion that everyone is pointing at you and laughing. Most of the time, it’s all on your head.

Bus

Dreaming that you are driving a bus means that you are a group leader and a trend setter. If you are driving a stolen bus in your dream, then it means that you are taking drastic measures to get control of your destiny. You are refusing to go along with the system.

Bus Driver

To dream that you are a bus driver suggests that you are moving forward quickly. You need to show more patience and less force. In particular, if you are a school bus driver, then it signifies that through knowledge and learning you will advance rapidly in life. Your dream may be connected with a new learning situation. 


All my dreams have started breaking

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Heartland rock •   0

I had a pretty emotional week, both good and sad. I helped Emily go through her late fathers things. I don’t think that she made it very far – it was really hard on her. Yesterday when I was seeing what she was up to, she said she had to take care of a few things in Austin, and then I realized my ex was marrying her friend – so I am sure that is where she was, just didn’t think she could tell me.

I have also really been keeping my distance from my ex but with that comes the desire to cuddle with someone or be sweet and close. I never really miss sex specifically but I miss intimacy and I have no desire to meet anyone so that’s a disappointing feeling.

And this is the first time I have seen the clip, but I had been told in the past that after you ‘concert’ so many women, you get a toaster over. In that joke, I don’t think whoever was saying it realized I don’t convert anyone.. I just sleep with straight women and get my heart broken. I am almost tired of this preference by now. I still believes that she has always identified as lesbian.. I just wish I was the lesbian she identified with..

Wait by the light of the moon

• by admin • In Folk Rock •   0

It would be great if I wasn’t the most awkward person ever.

I have only been awake for a few hours and today has been quite interesting.   For self preservation reasons, I turned my ringer and all volume off so that I could enjoy my last few days of not having a job.  Around 2 pm she comes calling my name at my window.. she’s not who I wanted to come to my window.  It was the neighbor / ex saying she has been trying to call me.  She asked if I wanted to go to lunch with her.

As I was in the restroom, the 4 year old came banging on my front door.  My brother started yelling because he thinks she takes complete advantage of me and he’s tired of it.  I didn’t have a shirt on and I was on the toilet, so I yelled to Harley to let her in.   I don’t think that she delivered the message that she came to deliver due to all of that excitement.

Moments before this – her mom was chasing the cat that had gotten out and fell.  Apparently she couldn’t get up on her own.  She gets a bit dramatic but what do I know.  I called to complain about her sending her kid to my house and she was screaming in pain so I ran over there.  I questioned if it was to get attention because she knows where I went yesterday and she has acted a bit jealous but why would I care.  I am clear that she is just my friend but she teases and – well, knows me.

I helped her get up and calm down and then we went to go get food after her oldest got off of the bus.  He wanted to go to Olive Garden, so I have to have an economics lesson with him. He started to throw a fit so I threatened to never go to Olive Garden again.  Damn I am such a mean non parent. I offered up Chuy’s and then Maddie suggested Blaze Pizza.  Since the 8 year old was throwing a fit, I asked the 4 year old where she wanted to go.  We ended up going to Blaze.   I parked across from the steps and she claimed I was trying to kill her because the walk was an extra 100 ft, so she pointed out an empty spot in front.

I don’t know how the world does these things happen to me, but it was pretty much like when my friend’s friend wanted to wait for the shuttle bus at the NIN concert and made me wait there forever just to turn around at the wrong time.

I couldn’t tell you what I was thinking about or what we we were talking about, but I can tell you that I looked up – saw her smiling at me and panicked.. just a little.  Of course, I felt the need to yell out, “Omg That’s M and her boyfriend…” you know, because that is the mature, adult thing to do.  Then I proceeded to try to get the kid out and act like I didn’t know them, though that felt rude as hell, I thought it was the correct thing to do.  The kid had conveniently taken her shoes off and I couldn’t function to save my life.  Trying to get those toddler shoes on seemed to take forever.  Then I realized I was standing in their way, but it was way too late to fix that.  I could only hope that she was giggling to herself and slightly amused.

Then of course, I get lost in my own thoughts.  We walk inside and Maddie is asking me a million questions like, “do you want to split a pizza.  What do you want on your pizza?”  The kids think the railing is a monkey bar and that drives me fucking nuts.  I’m over here like, ‘oh shit, she saw me with my ex – I hope she doesn’t think anything crazy..’ like anyone would ever care what I do, but I like to think so.  I through our a few answers.   She laughed at me and said I was dumb.. but I knew that and totally agreed at that moment.  The worst part was feeling like I shouldn’t say hi to my favorite person in the world.  No one taught me how to react in that situation.

We ate lunch.  She kept talking about it and asking me questions and making snide remarks that I just ignored.

I feel like it went something like: So that’s M.  Exchanged comments about thinking she was on my FB as I explained she didn’t have one as far as I knew.  Maybe she had seen it in the past but I never gave her the satisfaction of confirming that.  She asked why I was so hung up with her.  I said I didn’t know, maybe I was supposed to say I am not.  I followed that by saying she is just a really good friend and I enjoy spending time with her because she isn’t like most people I know.  She just looked at me weird.

She’s like my mom in the way that she will use anything that she has ever heard against you in the right moment.  She was acting nice in this conversation, but I knew she was using it to insult me.  By the way she was talking, I could tell that she.. I don’t even know, thought there was a lot more going on that there is.  I guess she doesn’t believe that I can actually just have close friends.  Or maybe she knows that I can’t help but smile when I think about her…

I am quite framiliar with feeling embarrassed when it comes to her, but why did I have to drive up that very second.  I am glad that we saw each other yesterday and that she smiled at me – because I am just so weird.  I don’t act this way around anyone else.

Got to be true to myself

• by admin • In Music, Pop, Rock •   0

It’s been a while since I have posted anything. Tonight on the drive up to Austin, I heard this song and it took me back to the day that it has always reminded me about:

I wondered more than ever, what the words even meant. As I thought more and more about that day that she left me standing by my car as she left.. Then I thought.. “yeah and then I went all Melissa Etheridge on her.” It’s not something that I am specifically proud of, but I won’t deny it all the same. I started flipping through the radio stations when I ended up on one playing this song. I didn’t even have to change the station more than a few times.

The reason that I was in Austin, was for a concert. I saw Dashboard Confessional and 3rd Eye Blind. It was a good show. There was something missing and I was pretty sure that it was her.

Then on the way home, this song came on and I sang it until I lost my voice..

Tell me why it took thinking about her when I heard this song to make me realize that I may be a bit emotional today. I know that she is and I want to — make her smile.

It’s about that time.. when my dog wants me to come to bed.

Giving away promises I know that I can’t keep

• by admin • In Music, Rock •   0

I’m feeling a bit down tonight. The more that I think, the worse that I get… I guess that’s where having a live-in friend is a good distraction.. She’s on her way back for all parties in interest. Right now I am filling my lungs with smoke and my ears with that music. I made it about 15 minutes into their Japan tour and realized that this music is not helping. It’s just reminding me that I have a terrible concept of music or people think I listen to bad music anyway. I like lyrics and well, I haven’t heard and that I understand yet, so it’s time to go back to the standard Ani Difranco, but that won’t help either.

I am about to start and I always tell my self that’s the reason I am missing her so much, somehow it happens every time. Maybe that’s just part of being a woman.. that is in love with another woman, and the rest of the story is irrelevant.

This is where most anyone else would stop me and say, “No, Jen.. the rest of the story is very relevant.” I suppose this is where I get irrational.. I’m like, “No we are just friends.” and that self control that I think I have flies right out the window. It’s not that I don’t have full psychical self control but that emotional self control is non existent.

Every other word circling in my head right now has been said time and time again. How did I end up feeling like this, in this situation.. and I am so certain that I am in the right..

Last night, in my dreams, we had a real conversation.. it wasn’t in the direction that I was expecting, or wanting. I convince myself that it is just my fears manifesting.. Over thinking tends to lead to such things. Sometimes I just want to stare into her eyes.. I feel like we could have a whole conversation without any words. I’m pretty sure that it would end up with her smiling and kissing me.. or maybe I am just slipping off into a day dream again. Actually, I’m certain that I have drifted that direction.

The truth be told – soon enough she will text me and want to hang out. It will be like nothing ever happened.. and I will be completely okay with that. Because my life is pretty fantastic anytime that she is around. My life is so confusing.

This is exactly why I gave up feelings so long ago. Now if I could only remember what it was like to not care about any damn thing right about now. It’s weird how that works.