I don’t know why my emotions are running so hard or why I choose to read things that will naturally make me cry. If I was trying to distract myself from how badly I want to be her girlfriend and just… shake this fear I can’t get past – it worked, for a minute, but now that I am alone and crying softly at 4 AM in the morning, I want to be held even more.
This is one of the last things my little brother said to me before he passed away in July of that year. It haunts my entire family and its hurting more than usual.
Reading over that message from him just made me breakdown. It’s not very often that I just want to curl up and cry but today its pouring down. I don’t even want her to know how bad I am hurting so I hope that I can conceal it well enough.
My dog seems to be bothered by my crying. She is circling and staring and I feel bad for even inconveniencing my pup at all.
I keep getting stuck in a conversation with myself about what if she thinks I am acting different for a reason that is not why. Why I am acting like anything? I don’t know. I am terrified in life. Maybe it’s really related to me not taking my medicine. I am sure that I am not. Since I have been working from home, my daily routine is all thrown off. Its been about a month and a half by now and I don’t even know how many times I have taken it. I know that I ran out of one of them a good while ago – maybe that’s why I can’t sleep. In high school, I had issues sleeping. I struggled with my dreams bothering me but I can’t even place what they were that was so bad.
Beware of the flood of Rob Thomas that is about to spill over:
Couch boy is the damn girlfriend that I never wanted. My friend’s make tiny jokes about him but if he didn’t make my brother so damn mad, I could probably handle him but he has a way of getting under anyone’s skin, which is possibly why he is homeless and has been my couch boy since January and he had lived at my ex’s for some time while I was living with her in Kyle but he got himself kicked out of there somehow and now he has gotten himself kicked out of here also.
This fight — is all over a damn light. The way my odd house is set up, there is one main room, we facetiously call it the lobby, and all of the other rooms branch off of that. There is no hallway and there are several lights in this lobby. Since the couch is directly below the fan, I lived with him turning that one off – but I could not even see to walk through my house. He sleeps all day because he works “nights.” His latest shift ends at 3 am and that’s not even technically 3rd shift but whatever, if he wants to pretend that he is a vampire, he will have to do it somewhere else.
My brother struggles with severe depression among other things. We have both been turning the lights on as couch boy turns them off. I eventually installed a florescent light so that I could see in the the walk way and in the last few days, my brother has opened it up and disconnected the switch, however one does that. This lead couch boy to unscrew the makeshift outlet I had installed in a light socket. I don’t think these adapters are used much anymore, but I have a cache of vintage items that I should probably never actually plug in – but since my house is from the 80’s. I am sure it is all compatible – I am 1980’s safe around here, don’t tell my renter’s insurance though.
This set of events lead to my brother messaging me mid day telling me that I needed to get couch boy out of the house. As always, couch boy has a ton of explanations and excuses – which makes it impossible for me to get him out and on his own or draining someone else financially.
Now for a few words from our sponsors. Today, I have been kind of sad.
Today, I fell asleep while she was out and tried not to tell her ‘goodnight’ because I felt like I was a burden and I can feel myself get defensive. At work today we watched a video about recognizing the symptoms of the flight or fight feeling and attempting to control it instead of let it control you. I can say that I am using hat training sooner than I thought. I can’t say that I really have a fight or flight feeling but I have a ‘Please don’t let her disappear again.” feeling because I am so afraid of patterns and love.
She is so busy, I know that it’s not me and I know better but as I feel her distance, I panic and respond in an opposite way. In a week, it will have been 6 months since I saw her. In 8 days, it will be 6 months since I accidentally parked next to her a C at the pizza place. I don’t know what happened that day, but I am sure that I screwed something up when I panicked.
It kind of hurts to pretend like you don’t miss having someone in your life. We talk all day long through message but I can’t help but want to hold her hand and see her. It’s like we are in a long distance relationship blocks away from each other. I have never had such an invisible force field keep me from such desires. Anyway, I can’t really sleep and I am worried that she will tell me that we can’t talk again and I just hate that feeling.
The whole reason that I started this website, blog, mess, talking to my self situation, was to help me stop contacting her so often when she’s… doing her own thing. It looks like October is going to be an active month. It didn’t seem to help me sleep any better – at night. Maybe that’s because I slept all day. This being normal thing is quite difficult.
As I approach 3 AM, I’m going to post a hand full of cheesy songs, so I sure hope I have some leeway when it comes to being cool. I really listen to some bad music sometimes. Here’s to being secure and not giving a shit.. since no one will ever read this anyway.
I’m used to being laughed at, it’s really not that bad. Here’s my heart break compilation. I’m just going to hold my breath until she misses me.
Sometimes I feel so guilty for having feelings for her. Then again, I never know her relationship status so it’s always quite confusing. It creates the largest battle inside me.
Have I already said that all that I want is to fall asleep in her arms while she touches my face softly?
…pull put some hope for me.
Sometimes I wonder how I survived high school without getting beat up…
My brother used to sing this song at karaoke. It must be cool – I guess. He may be the answer to the previous question. He was pretty intimidating and grew up in Timberwood so he knew all those rich kids.
If you only knew how I really felt about all those guys.
I’f I couldn’t sleep, could you sleep?
I know that you’ve got me…
and before I go lay down to dream about her. I will end this depressing ass shit with my favorite song by matchbox twenty. yeah, its true, i like all of these things. she can laugh at me anytime that she wants to.
