anxiety
And all that hurtin’ was more than worth it
This morning started with the worst physical pain, but eventually I pulled myself out of bed with enough time to get ready, buy drinks for work from the gas station and log into my computer on time. My manager asked me how I was feeling, she seemed concerned and I felt like everyone was talking to me like I was a delicate egg about to crack. I wondered what people noticed when I ran out yesterday before lunch. It’s not like my manager doesn’t know that I am sensitive. She has called me that before.. I always took offense to the word until I heard her refer to her dad as being a sensitive artist, ever since then, I have worn the adjective with pride. Sensitive is not what you want to be when someone kindly explains to you that things just can’t be.
It’s not hard to see that she did it for me. What’s hard to grasp is why it has to be that way. I’ve always been great at living in an alternate universe, denying reality, and I was pretty good at it. In the 15 years that I have know wholeheartedly that I was a lesbian, not once did I ever consider dating a woman that had a boyfriend. When I thought I was being really “Progressive” I would act like I was going to mess around with a girl that had a boyfriend, just trying to act tough, but I never actually went through with it, until it was accidental.
She had all my respect from day one, before I even knew her story, before I ever felt her love. I never wanted to pry or to get into her business. There’s been insecurity and jealousy issues in my past. Since I didn’t even feel I needed to ask her age or sexual orientation, you can imagine, “Are you in a relationship?” never came up. Today in the car on the way back to work from my lunch break, a George Strait song, “She’ll Leave You With A Smile,” came on the radio, listening to it had never felt the way it did today. For lyrics and the song click the respective links. There was only that one line at the end that really hurt reminding me of the reality.. but it was completely accurate.. it was all worth it. It hurts like hell, but I know she’s trying to make it simpler on all of us, even though I would prefer the more difficult past. Not all people are as masochistic. I would face the pain of being away from here every day if she’d let me. The disappointment would fade eventually when she would tell me that she couldn’t stay or blow me off.
My friends seem to appreciate her decision to cut me off. Something I don’t agree with at all, but once again, who am I to judge. This is all too familiar. I have already felt like this before. With some help I was strong enough to let her walk away, because things just couldn’t happen that way. Last night was the first time I took my new medicine. I really hope that it doesn’t make me feel so sick again. She said that it would take three weeks. There’s a part of me that feels like I am giving in and taking medicine that I don’t want to be taking. It almost seems shameful, but then again, I just did a lot of things… that – I wouldn’t normally do. The doctor was very convincing, they always are. From what I remember about last time, it helped when I really needed it. There’s a generic now so it’s affordable so.. we shall see. Looks like I join corporate america more and more every day.
There’s something endearing to be able to look back at a total mess and know that the person you love had the best of intentions. I’m appreciative of all of the time that I got to spend with her and I can only have faith that I will see her again. It’s very rare that I find anyone that I feel like this about.. and every time, they seem to have a man that feels the same way about them. It doesn’t seem to ever turn out in my favor. Not that this kind of thing happens all of the time, but when I fell in love in 2006, by 2008 she had left me to date some guy that looked like her ex boyfriend. Amazingly enough she was engaged to said ex boyfriend before I ever knew that she wasn’t dating girlfriend steal-er anymore.
When it’s time to talk about more tragic lesbian stories, I will have to talk about how I got to find out about such said engagement. The feeling that I experience that day in front of her unknowing sister felt pretty similar to the day that I read my new love’s craigslist post 6 months after meeting her, in which it explained he was in a relationship with a man for over 5 years. It was unfortunate that I had dated her and fell so quickly for her just the 6 months prior.. It’s a sickening feeling for a dedicated lesbian that can hardly imagine straight sex.. honestly. But she meant to much to me, I tried to get over that, though it appears that I drove her off because I just don’t know how to be friends with benefits.. I am more of a lover with feelings kind of lady. Who knew it could make life so difficult at times.
‘All day, all night, I’ll be waitin’ standby’
The work day did not go well. Every song on the radio was suddenly speaking to me. I made it all the way to my second call before my caller shared her first name with my heart breaker. I hadn’t cried yet. It was just before lunch when my manager decided to monitor my phone calls and nit pick me at the wrong time. The calls come in back to back so when she wants to give me feedback she just walks over and starts talking to me over my caller, as if I can hear what they are both saying. It’s like, “Don’t let anything distract you from your caller, unless it’s me.” But anyway, she pointed out that I ‘didn’t even attempt’ to sell them tv service or cell phone service. That’s where I would stop and argue if I thought it would get me anywhere.. Oh I attempted, I am sure that it was there in the back of my mind somewhere, but there was no appropriate moment in conversation to fit it in without sounding like a complete tool.
So after she tells me about how I can’t do my job right and reminds me to be consistent, I can’t do much to keep me from just busting into tears. Over the last 5 months, work has become increasingly more stressful. They disbanded the department that I was working in and decided that we were all going to sales. I am no sales person. I can’t even sell myself to the woman that I love. Three more calls come in before lunch, my voice quivered and if anyone was paying attention they would have known how hard I was fighting back the tears.
Over the last 8 years I have learned to stay pretty professional under pressure, call centers will teach you that. It was more than I could take today, so I said I was sick and just left. There’s a good chance that my manager was listening to my next calls too. Who knows what she thought.
Yesterday after I came home from talking to her, I went to a friend’s house because I didn’t want to be alone. I didn’t say a word. One of the two women present liked to poke fun at the whole thing. It wasn’t something I was ready to face or talk about. It must have been apparent that something was wrong. My friend asked if anything had happened with my grandma or if i had lost my job. That made me feel like I wasn’t looking so good and, well, I already know that I don’t have a poker face. They made me tell them and I simply muttered out that she didn’t want to talk to me anymore. They seemed to understand where she was coming from and respect her for having the courage to walk away from me. There’s no way to fully understand but I am trying so hard to.
When I was driving home and Selena Gomez’s song caught my attention, I was even more disappointed than when I liked the Wrecking Ball video. My super cool chick would have been so disappointed in my sell out self. Too bad she’s not around to show me good music anymore.
Updated: March 2018, image and tags
Today is going to be a hard day
I woke up feeling like I was hungover without even drinking the night before. I can’t even remember when I drank last. I feel like she means well and wants to watch out for me, but instead, I just feel like I have a bunch of bricks on my chest. I don’t even want to go to work. I cried in front of my friends last night..