‘Cause when I look around
Album: Little Plastic Castle
I think this, this is good enough
And I try to laugh
At whatever life brings
‘Cause when I look down
I just miss all the good stuff
And when I look up
I just trip over things
And I got no illusions about you
Once upon a time thoughts of you
Are picketing my brain
They refuse to work
Such long hours without rest
In unstable conditions at best
They’re out there every day
Holding up there signs
And thoughts of no other man but you
Could possibly get through
The picket lines to enter into my mind
As I listened to the album, Dilate, way too many times, I start to pay more attention to a few lines at the end.
Somehow, all of my thoughts flow as I drive in my car, but at home I am rarely alone with my thoughts these days, so they will have to wait, I guess.
My brother is planning on leaving to Seattle in a week. I have mixed feelings about it all – but I am keeping on my attempt to trust people in what they need, so I am supporting him and helping him get on his feet there. All while fearing that something will happen to him or Grandma while he is gone. That may be that PTSD limiting my life again. I am glad that he can get past it or doesn’t have a fear of loss, whichever it is.
I had a pretty emotional week, both good and sad. I helped Emily go through her late fathers things. I don’t think that she made it very far – it was really hard on her. Yesterday when I was seeing what she was up to, she said she had to take care of a few things in Austin, and then I realized my ex was marrying her friend – so I am sure that is where she was, just didn’t think she could tell me.
I have also really been keeping my distance from my ex but with that comes the desire to cuddle with someone or be sweet and close. I never really miss sex specifically but I miss intimacy and I have no desire to meet anyone so that’s a disappointing feeling.
And this is the first time I have seen the clip, but I had been told in the past that after you ‘concert’ so many women, you get a toaster over. In that joke, I don’t think whoever was saying it realized I don’t convert anyone.. I just sleep with straight women and get my heart broken. I am almost tired of this preference by now. I still believes that she has always identified as lesbian.. I just wish I was the lesbian she identified with..
This morning, my dog woke me up, I noticed my phone was glowing so I went to look at it. I had 6 missed called and 2 missed facebook calls. It was 7:00 AM.
She takes all of my money and when I am out, she goes and gets some from her grandma. I asked for some because she was spending it frivolously and I didn’t have any. That started a fight.
I was lured over to her house, next door, because she went to Wendy’s and said that she brought me some. I like to feel special, so I went to eat it, but I think it was a trap to put her 4 year old to bed. I struggled with the child and eventually asked her if she wanted me to take her to school in the morning. She agreed, became complacent and went to sleep.
Fast forward to this morning, my ex sure remembered that and expected it. Since we fought, I turned my ringer off. When I finally went over there to take the kid to school, she wasn’t even awake. If she was insisting I take her, that’s one thing, but this is just complete laziness.
On the bright side, I have plans today. However, I am nervous, like always. On my drive back from dropping of the kid, I hopped that she was not mad at me. I feel like she has every right to be. I’ve never really had someone like this in my life.
When I started this site, I needed some way to express myself. It was the first time that she said that she couldn’t talk to me anymore. I wanted to respect her wishes, but I was stuck alone, in my head. I used to be a slightly popular blogger on this site, JournalSpace.com but there was some hack and the site was deleted – so that was that. I am sure that lead to my decision to start a site to write to myself so that I would quit emailing her. At the time, at some point, I told her about the site but no one ever visited it and I didn’t really think anyone ever would. I made it through an entire relationship with someone that was extremely controlling and in my business and somehow she never saw it.
If I couldn’t stop thinking, I would come here and write. When there was a song circling in my head, I would come post it here. I have made slight changes to it over the years but it has served the purpose of giving myself somewhere to express my feelings. I don’t have many people that I really talk to anymore. Small talk – sure, but real discussions, no. Currently the only conversations that people have with me is – how is the job search? – and well, I am done answering that one. I hate that I get so stuck on ideas or just the fact that I can’t leave people alone. I know that my inbox would prove that – or my sent box anyway. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I am glad that I have people that love me, because I really need it right now.
In 2015, I saw Ani DIfranco at Emo’s. I have been listening to her since high school tore me apart. She has saved me time and time again.
The first song I had ever heard was “My IQ” and the second was “Untouchable Face”
Who am I?
Somebody, somebody just tell me that much
Just when I think that I have my emotions under control, they consume me, keep me up all hours of the night and remind me of who I really am. Pills and busying myself only lasts so long. Em is at her fathers house, laying under a roof that he won’t sleep under anymore… I am sure that her thoughts are racing right now. It makes me completely guilty to be emotional in anyway at this point.
The first time that I heard this, I listened in amazement and then watched a falling star. I made a wish as I saw it falling towards her house. I have forgotten what my exact wish was but I always try to be specific so that something weird wouldn’t happen.. I can imagine that my wish may have been something like, “I wish that she will do what makes her truly happy, no matter who she ends up with, I just want to know that she loves me.” I look back at that night, often. I wonder what I wished and how much of it has come true since then. She was in San Francisco at the time to see a band.
When she landed, she sent me a text to let me know that she arrived safely. The next text said something like, we should live her someday… Since I have been in love with her for about as long as I can remember at this point, my heart melted all over the place and I never forgot that moment in time.