ani difranco

we met in a dream

• by admin • In Dreams, Folk, Indie Folk, Music •   0

I appreciate that I have always been perceived as quite innocent and caring. It’s not common anymore and as risque as I like to think that I can be, there is always someone that will eventually hear about it and the giggle and say something like, “Oh hunny…” and well, that puts me in a strange place, because I am intelligent to know what they are implying with their tone, but I can’t even imagine what they could be thinking about at that very moment. Things I have only seen, and tried to ignore, in movies.

It is so rare that I even want to watch a movie or TV anymore. I don’t like the way that it can make me feel. So much so, that I still remember exactly how she calmed me down when we saw that movie in the theater. If you know me, you know that I said that word with an accent and I have grown to expect people to laugh and say, “What?” but that just shows me how many people have moved to this area. Locals rarely notice my accent.. so I guess I have one. Anyway – I am nervously rambling. We saw Dallas Buyers Club and another similar movie. I can’t tell you which one we saw in the theater or which one we saw at my house, but I can tell you what room we were in, how my bed was and where my computer was. For all of the time that I lived in that house, it was the smallest period that I stayed in my brothers room, but at that time, I was. My bed was in the same position when I woke up with those images in my head that lead me to get online and find his YouTube channel within a few clicks.

That always freaked me out. It was very “Slumdog Millionaire.” I ended up searching something that had to do with the, “he was a really good boy” song – which I only know from the mowing the yard video. I was somewhat surprised when it came right up, but I had seen that video before. I will divulge the rest of these details in some future moment that is more romantic than this, but back to my story that I have completely lost sight of: The movie we were watching, at the theater, when the sex scene came on, she could tell I was uncomfortable, I didn’t want her to know how weird I was, but it was milliseconds in when she reached over and held my hand or my leg and I was so distracted that I could focus on that instead of whatever else I had been struggling with. I never forgot that moment, though it kind of embarrasses me to be an adult that still struggles with PDA. I am not wildly religious but I can see where my grandparents raising me for a good portion of my life has reflected in my adult life.

I really have no idea how I ended up here but through that typing and having this song stuck in my head all day, I questioned if maybe she has an autistic sister. There was this time I was having a melt down I suppose, I feel like it was pretty to myself but I must have said something – I know I told her I thought I was autistic because I was just so embarrassed with my life and was trying to figure out why I lacked such basic skills. I don’t know what she said, but whatever was wrong was instantly better. I try not to look back, but I have all the emails if I wanted to see what the hell I’m talking about – but I don’t but I love that I love someone that I feel like understands me. It doesn’t happen often.

maybe i’m supposed to make one of my famous jokes 
that makes everything okay 
or maybe i’m supposed to be the handsome prince 
who rides up and unties your hands 
or maybe i’m the furrow-browed friend 
who thinks she understands 

Album: Little Plastic Castle

And it’s my first time for this kind of thing

• by admin • In Folk, Rock •   0

As I listened to the album, Dilate, way too many times, I start to pay more attention to a few lines at the end.

Somehow, all of my thoughts flow as I drive in my car, but at home I am rarely alone with my thoughts these days, so they will have to wait, I guess.

My brother is planning on leaving to Seattle in a week. I have mixed feelings about it all – but I am keeping on my attempt to trust people in what they need, so I am supporting him and helping him get on his feet there. All while fearing that something will happen to him or Grandma while he is gone. That may be that PTSD limiting my life again. I am glad that he can get past it or doesn’t have a fear of loss, whichever it is.

All my dreams have started breaking

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Heartland rock •   0

I had a pretty emotional week, both good and sad. I helped Emily go through her late fathers things. I don’t think that she made it very far – it was really hard on her. Yesterday when I was seeing what she was up to, she said she had to take care of a few things in Austin, and then I realized my ex was marrying her friend – so I am sure that is where she was, just didn’t think she could tell me.

I have also really been keeping my distance from my ex but with that comes the desire to cuddle with someone or be sweet and close. I never really miss sex specifically but I miss intimacy and I have no desire to meet anyone so that’s a disappointing feeling.

And this is the first time I have seen the clip, but I had been told in the past that after you ‘concert’ so many women, you get a toaster over. In that joke, I don’t think whoever was saying it realized I don’t convert anyone.. I just sleep with straight women and get my heart broken. I am almost tired of this preference by now. I still believes that she has always identified as lesbian.. I just wish I was the lesbian she identified with..

I have been fighting the good fight

• by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Music •   0

This morning, my dog woke me up, I noticed my phone was glowing so I went to look at it. I had 6 missed called and 2 missed facebook calls. It was 7:00 AM.

She takes all of my money and when I am out, she goes and gets some from her grandma. I asked for some because she was spending it frivolously and I didn’t have any. That started a fight.

I was lured over to her house, next door, because she went to Wendy’s and said that she brought me some. I like to feel special, so I went to eat it, but I think it was a trap to put her 4 year old to bed. I struggled with the child and eventually asked her if she wanted me to take her to school in the morning. She agreed, became complacent and went to sleep.

Fast forward to this morning, my ex sure remembered that and expected it. Since we fought, I turned my ringer off. When I finally went over there to take the kid to school, she wasn’t even awake. If she was insisting I take her, that’s one thing, but this is just complete laziness.

On the bright side, I have plans today. However, I am nervous, like always. On my drive back from dropping of the kid, I hopped that she was not mad at me. I feel like she has every right to be. I’ve never really had someone like this in my life.

When I started this site, I needed some way to express myself. It was the first time that she said that she couldn’t talk to me anymore. I wanted to respect her wishes, but I was stuck alone, in my head.  I used to be a slightly popular blogger on this site, JournalSpace.com but there was some hack and the site was deleted – so that was that.  I am sure that lead to my decision to start a site to write to myself so that I would quit emailing her.   At the time, at some point, I told her about the site but no one ever visited it and I didn’t really think anyone ever would.  I made it through an entire relationship with someone that was extremely controlling and in my business and somehow she never saw it.

If I couldn’t stop thinking, I would come here and write.  When there was a song circling in my head, I would come post it here.   I have made slight changes to it over the years but it has served the purpose of giving myself somewhere to express my feelings.   I don’t have many people that I really talk to anymore.  Small talk – sure, but real discussions, no.  Currently the only conversations that people have with me is – how is the job search? – and well, I am done answering that one.  I hate that I get so stuck on ideas or just the fact that I can’t leave people alone.  I know that my inbox would prove that – or my sent box anyway.  I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I am glad that I have people that love me, because I really need it right now.

I expected summer to be there in the morning

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Indie Folk, Music •   Comments Off on I expected summer to be there in the morning

Just when I think that I have my emotions under control, they consume me, keep me up all hours of the night and remind me of who I really am.  Pills and busying myself only lasts so long.  Em is at her fathers house, laying under a roof that he won’t sleep under anymore… I am sure that her thoughts are racing right now.  It makes me completely guilty to be emotional in anyway at this point.