This song has been especially painful since it broadsides me at that one concert. I took my brother’s girlfriend at the time when I ended up with an extra ticket and met someone else there – I think my friend Jessica. I may have shed a few tears at that show.
It has been too difficult to even write about. So many things have happened and I am left crying my eyes out in a house all alone. My puppy doesn’t know what to do but she is trying her hardest to comfort me.
I will skip ahead past all of the agonizing things I have been avoiding writing about. A few days ago I posted some meme about listening to Ani DiFranco and a random guy in my town said that School Night was one of the best songs ever. After I said that I would check it out as I did not know it, he warned me not to if I was having a good day. Since I had nothing to lose, I went straight for it after work. It took a few replays and reading the lyrics before it completely wrecked my world. I knew this movie and I did not know there was a sound track. There is a roller coaster of emotions that goes with this song and I am sure its easy to see which line digs the deepest – its the one that reminds me that no matter how soft I get, I am still a jealous lesbian and I don’t know that I can ever escape that.
I haven’t been able to talk to her in so long and its really getting to me. I feel like I did some stupid shit back on July 20th. It was an important day to me and the day prior I was at work and realized that it was the middle day between when my friend Jenn was murdered (July 15th) and the day my brother died (July 25th) so as I will, I took it as a sign that I had to find a way to check on her because I would not loose her to domestic violence or anything else.
Well things didn’t go as planned and I pretty much embarrassed myself while trying to be some super hero.
Here is my tragic song, though I consider it to reside around the middle of August 2013 so this will be a reflection of my agonizing past, and well, I really have no idea what the current reality is – I am so long and afraid of what I don’t understand, I just panic myself constantly while making all of the wrong decisions.
At this point I am putting my trust in her and believing that she knows best. It terrifies me to no end, but I just wait to hear from her, so patiently and possibly stupidly.
I’m already the asshole. I realized it just a few years ago, that he would be furious.. I knew it would be worse when he realized it was me. When I was younger, I was dilutional, I thought – he won’t hate me.. but at some point, it occurred to me that one day.. he would fucking hate me. and I feel.. that day has come.
That’s based on the information I absorbed mid panic attack at the Walgreen’s parking lot. I believe I referred to this Sunday adventure as in the CVS parking lot for the first month or so but once I calmed down I realized that.. that was clearly.. always a Walgreens but sure CVS when you can’t think straight.
It’s really hard that I only want to be part of one person’s life and somehow – I am not capable.
Today has been really difficult for me. Its been a month since we were supposed to meet at the glass blowing shop and the following night, she messaged me at 5 am stating that she broke up with C and the rest of her message frightened me to the core.
I have been searching for a way to talk to her without censorship and I have been failing greatly.
the easier it is to see inside
outside the glass
the whole world is magnifiedand it’s half an inch
from here to the other side
I have yet to mention the shift in all the random ass memes and shit I have been seeing. Talk about my poems suddenly shifting from in love to devastated, how can accounts that I am following even do that?
This here was posted by some random human that I actually don’t know but I just had to save it somewhere – you know, in case I needed the perfect outline for any future letters. This is not some weird confession that I am bisexual, but don’t think I haven’t considered trying it several times over if it meant that I was treated like a normal human, but that all stems back to something old, from a post a read – that, I just don’t think goes on anymore, but as you can imagine, I never even asked.
But anyway.. this is my life and why I can’t have real friends. Well, it’s not like I do this often, but when I do – her boyfriend tells her to tell me to go fuck the right off.. it’s complicated..
It was today that all of these things crossed my mind:
Maybe she was showing me the ring in the photo of her blazer, I just told myself it was the same one that i already knew the story about
Letters Unsent:
Then I scrolled through all of our exchanged photos briefly – there were many highs and lows – I made it to the end and knew that you were not completely gone. I know you will come back someday.
I still cry a lot – but its been a long time. Well since the freeze, I am sure I cried during the freeze…
I have 2 friends trying to help me. They both seem to understand me, at least somehow – even though they have about 20 years between them. The younger one, Nikki, has been messaging me and seeing how I am doing – she has me reading about shadow work and sent me some link so I decided to go ahead and read it since I really have no room to be picky right now.
Tam, is who I asked to go to the concert with me, we met up with my friend, Jess from Houston and she gave an extra ticket to my sister so there were 4 of us. She has been a big help, she has been softly supporting me when I have no one to talk to. She’s homebound with a brain tumor, so I guess I felt like she was safe since she didn’t know other humans and lives in new braunfels. she’s the twin flame, tarot card hippy friend. she decided to inform me that she failed to fully explain twin flames and said it was much less romantic than i was expecting, so there’s that, for things I don’t know about but want to believe in, I know nothing.
This morning I woke up to a message of her quoting my IG saying, “Aspiring sensitive artist, more like inspiring sensistive artist” and that really hit me where it counts. I explained to her where the phrase came from and she said a few more things that I needed to hear. She has no idea why is he no longer her and certainly doesnt know its something so close to her but she loves my love for you and I can’t say that I get that often.
but I just really miss the connection we have and cant calm myself down thinking that ive just lost you forever and dont even know how or why.
i feel like if I even tried to completely open up, it would just be completely sad and I cant even allow that. but I dont need romatic love – its nearly a forien concept to me at this point, but I need unconditional love — or at least a little friendship like because you’d think that I lost my only friend over here and somehow – I am right back to hating my sexuality and excitement.. It’s a strange place to be.
there are tons of people in my life and I cant deny that but just because i know someone does not mean that I can stand them and it certainly doesnt mean that they mean a thing to me. I am not sure where I am going with this but I have decided that I am not going to send it so away it goes into the internet until I decide that it looks better in the trashcan.
Last week, I worked from home the whole week because someone’s wife had covid. Today, I was one of the lucky ones that got to go back into the office because I wasn’t actually present for whatever meeting they were all ‘exposed’ in. Luckily for me, I have only been working in the office for half of the day and only about 2 of those are hours with other employees. It limits my exposure to all but about 3 people. It also leaves me with very little human interaction, which I usually do not mind at all but after the last few weeks I have had, I just don’t even know what to do to distract myself anymore.
It’s a stark reminder of why I can’t handle being in love. I need someone to talk to but I do not want to talk to anyone but her. Last night I kind of opened up to a random friend that knows a little because I had to explain to her what I meant when I told her that I was in love with someone. This friend happens to be someone that used to like me when we worked together before. She was a teenager so my first reason was that but later I explained to her that despite her age, I was still not interested because of my emotional involvement – it was a common thing to explain to women that thought I was making it all up but I kept it short and sweet and when they realized I was insane – they just left me alone anyway. Well, since she has been hearing about this for several years by now – since it seems faker then longer i said it to people – she was sweet about it. Reminded me that it was probably just as hard in her too and that if she wasn’t reading my messages there was most likely a good reason and the good reason certainly wasn’t that she hated me. I don’t know why it helps when people help me destroy irrational fears, but it does. So I have spent the day trying to remind myself to act my damn age and remember what was important. I still cried way too much but I think I did better. I really have no idea, I actually want to kick my own ass.
I stopped taking all of my mental health medication during covid because it didn’t seem like I needed it anymore. I never had anxiety attacks when I didn’t leave my house. Eventually I quit going to the doctor all together because I got a call from my counselor person saying that she took another job so someone else would be contacting me for my next appointment but then I decided that if she could quit, so could I and since my emotional outbursts were down like we have wanted to do, it seemed successful and I thought I was done. I can’t even remember which came first but here I am, in a new house, completely alone and I haven’t taken any of my medicine in months and I don’t even remember my last psych appointment but he was terrible at phone appointments anyway. In person he could ramble on and on and teach me things about myself that I didn’t know but once it was over the phone, he just asked a few basic questions and took my non answers and refilled the prescription. No one even called me to make that next appointment, A lot of people that go there really need it more than I do, so I can’t imagine what it would have been like if I was worse off – but all that to say is that I guess I am worse off.
I smoke and I drink
And every time I blink
I have a tiny dreamBut as bad as I am
I’m proud of the fact
That I’m worse than I seem
I guess I need to ask the lady if I am not as bad as I think…
Right now I feel pretty fucked up. After my friend reminded me that is probably just as hard on her that is on me – I have just wanted to protect her from me.
I am going to go take my medicine now – but I am going to continue to listen to songs that tear me to pieces.
But oh baby, maybe someday
Maybe somehow.
When my conservative aunt found out that I was a lesbian, she cried and the apologized. She said that she didn’t care that I was gay but that my life was already so hard, it just hurt her to know that it was only going to get harder.
At the time, I brushed it aside thinking that was just a nice thing to say – but the more social situations that I fail at, the more I think about her words and what she meant.
She wasn’t saying it because so many people hate gay people like I thought.
She was saying that she saw the sea of heart break coming my way.
I used to fight back.
I don’t even want to anymore. Now I just want to hang my head in shame and wonder why I ever thought love was possible. I am all over the place and all alone. Hungry and can’t it. Isn’t it Ironic… I don’t think.
Last thing, of all the songs at the concert that I knew would make me cry, this next one was not one that I had ever paid attention to before that night and well, its been haunting me since.
And that is why I just want to cry and apologize for being such a damn lesbian all the time.