Alanis Morissette

So you wanna play with magic

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Last night I threw an emotional fit, alone – because the Alanis Morisette concert that I have been waiting for since December.

I signed up to get a pre-sale ticket and those went so fast, I thought that I would be able to get a ticket with seats after pre-sale was over but those also went so fast that I ended up buying lawn tickets for $120 each – when the pre-sale lawn tickets that I thought I was too good for sold for $43 each. I was so pissed at myself – and NOW – I won’t even get to go. I didn’t really have the $240 to spare at the time but I did it because I thought that I would finally get to go to a concert with her. Hell, at the time, I thought that we would be living together by now and practically married – but I guess that is what happens when you life in a fantasy world and forget to ground yourself with reality.

Ultimately, I know not to depend on anyone but myself and to never get too excited over anything. When I get good news, I try my hardest not to tell anyone for fear that it will disappear before it ever happens. I grew up knowing that marriage wasn’t for people like me. I knew that my father would never be able to afford a wedding before I even understood that I was gay and once I realized I was not only poor but gay too – I knew there was no chance at ever having a normal, happy life – but it hasn’t kept me from dreaming about it.

In 1999 when I realized that I was only interested in women, there was no hope of legalized gay marriage and I thought that legal marijuana was just something people talked about – like feminism. The concept was great but the world would never stand for any of that. At the time, I didn’t even smoke but my dad did and I knew that it was enough to cause worry for my family. I knew that it made me have to lie to people that I loved if the topic ever came up. It was controversial before my sexuality ever existed.

It’s a long way down

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Today – I have felt completely predictable. Upon my own behalf and from hers as well. Last night we ended up in a conversation where she told me that she didn’t work at her same job anymore due to the virus shit. That’s about all I feel comfortable calling it these days. I was in my kitchen when I read the message and I felt my heart sink. I don’t know why it scares me that she lives and works with him – it just makes me feel like I will never get to see her again and that is the realest fear in my heart.

I know that she loves and and I usually know that she wants me too. My insecurity game runs hard and when he is involved, I practically just admit defeat because I never want to cause her trouble and I never really understand but I do understand that it tears at my heart no matter how hard I try to control it.

My pills only do so much good. Busying myself only helps for so long. Sending her what I would consider to be intimate messages will just have to do. I will continue to pour out my heart and continue if my words are welcome. My master plan seems to be full of holes but all that matters is that she has what she wants and I can’t even say that I am sure of that.

I had no choice but to hear you

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I would like to think that she thinks about me when she hears this song.

I am ridiculous sometimes but we have tickets to see Alanis Morissette in June. The concert happens to be the day before the 7 year anniversary of the day that we met. It will be a good show. I might get emotional.

Head Over Feet (1995)

Mary Jane (1995)

That I would like you to know that if you’re ever single

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I have been struggling for about 2 years and trying to end this relationship and now that it’s done, I feel extremely lost. A lot of my friends have contacted me and assured me that I was doing the right thing. I have been filled with rage and fear. When I went to the doctor, she said my blood preasure was high and she could tell that I was nervous. She refilled my emergency medicine, which I have been afraid to ask to have refilled because last time they wanted me to pee in a cup. I panicked and they didn’t.

Her best friend has been talking to me and I feel like she is on my side. She reassures me that my actions are inline with any stable person’s reaction.

This song – just gets to me sometimes.. 

You stated your case time and again

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Astrology, Folk, Grammy Nominee, Hard Rock, Music, Pop, Post-Grunge •   Comments Off on You stated your case time and again

Today, has been one of those days.  A co-worker was out, so I was left juggling nearly 30 all center agents that all think they are the center of the universe.  Really its probably only a quarter of them but it seems like a lot.  I have been pissing people off left and right.  After a long day of making my agents mad because they expect too much from me and getting yelled at and threaten by customers, I come home and have to deal with the two closest people telling me how much I don’t do for them.  I offered to watch my sisters children during pride weekend and somehow ruined it and misunderstood when my brother wanted  a ride to Subway so somehow I have ruined his night and he is going to starve.  I didn’t respond appropriately, not that I even know what that would be.  I cried some and then listened to the following songs.  It started with a song that made me think about her the other day while I was in the grocery store. It reminded me of my blind and most likely stupid faith.  The rest of the songs came on following it on YouTube. I would be lying if I said that it didn’t hurt when she said, “I don’t need you anymore and I don’t want you.”  I suppose that would shock most anyone.  Just give it time and I will find a way to fuck it up.  I am pretty sure, I have always wished that someone thought about me when they heard this song..

For fun I decided to look up my horoscope today, because why not. I can’t feel like everyone hates me without blaming the universe or something, can I.

Since I am no longer a teenager, I was not sure where one would get a horoscope, so I just googled it and selected the Chicago’s news paper, because seems to be a legitment source:

Relations with others might be strained or aloof today. People are not sure which action to take or which direction to go. You probably feel the same way. Therefore, be ginger about whatever you do. Go gently. Avoid important decisions and avoid spending money on anything other than food or gas.

You held your breathe and the door for me

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Hard Rock, Post-Grunge •   0

Today I got the biggest surprise, and loved every minute of it.  Even if I did keep talking and say everything that came to mind without filter, whatever, that’s me.  Tonight I am listening to a lot happier music than normally.  Ani Difranco isn’t specifically sad but it discusses political issues, even subtily that are just too real and tend to get me down.

Tonight I listen to this song and think about her.  I feel like a pompous ass when I hear a song and it reminds me of someone, because I could see them saying those words to me.. I feel like it should usually be the opposite.. but I am pretty fond of myself, even if I fake otherwise well…