Tonight, I feel like I made an ass out of myself in front of the lady.. and by in front of — I mean that I sent her a text message that I questioned later – or 10. Drinking is bad m ‘kay. When you are sitting in a bar and something makes your think.. I should text the lady that I can’t get off my mind.. this text about an email that I sent her almost 2 years ago.. Don’t. You might spend the next forever and a half wondering what she is thinking.
Maybe I’m all messed up Maybe I’m all messed up Maybe I’m all messed up in you
I Grow Fonder Everyday Day, Loose Myself in Time Just Thinking of Your Name
Today, we met at our normal halfway point. We walked for as long as we could and I tried by best not to think too much about hugging her goodbye. As I passed my friend’s house, they returned home, so spent some time over there but that didn’t stop me from emailing her minutes after leaving her side confessing a few of my thoughts that I couldn’t express in person.
They started watching The Never Ending Story around midnight and since I knew that I had way too much thinking to do, I left and listed to my playlist on random.
This is what it thought that I should listen to:
…and that is currently how many songs it takes to walk from her house to mine..
I had a necklace in my pocket for her.. and I wanted to tell her that I loved her before she left, but I just couldn’t accept that this would be the last time that I would see her, so I couldn’t bring myself to act like it could be.
It’s been a while since I have written. I tried to make some changes after I turned 31 and moving on was going to be one of them. That didn’t go as planned, but I did start dressing nicer at work, which flowed over into my daily life, because I am not one to change my outfit multiple times a day.
Since I last wrote, I started talking to a friend’s friend – and the entire time, I was more concerned with what M was going that what she was. She could obviously tell, asking if i was going on a date when I would see her.. I don’t know what it was that I did, but I made it suspicious and nothing was even going on. She has been on my mind a lot lately. I have had vivid dreams about her for the last 2 nights.
The first dream was us messaging each other online – which was supposed to be gmail in my mind, but it clearly wasn’t. It was more of a cheap version of instant messaging like you see on older movies complete with the Mac noise for message received.
In that dream, I asked something like “Does he trust me yet?” and she replied with, “There is no he.” Typing dialogue has always seemed difficult for me, so I will apologize now for blatantly ignoring grammar rules in this paragraph. I know how it is supposed to be but in my blog, it’s like this. I then made a half ass joke about respecting any pro nouns that a human wishes to use.. and she laughed, said she needed that and followed it by ‘That’s not what I meant.’
As I read her last words, my nervousness about her, that I was sure had faded – came right back – full force. I was nervous, shy and didn’t know what to say all of a sudden. She does that to me. I have been working for years to convince myself that she is just my friend and will never be anything else.. the sheer opportunity in my dream left me speechless.
That is actually a dream that I had last Friday night, because I was thinking about it as I was drunk and riding in my friend’s car home from a party Saturday night. I decided to keep it to myself, because – well, besides the fact that I deem it inappropriate.. I share way too much information with her and that is one more thing that I need to work on in this 31st year of life..
The dream that I had last night, leaves me thinking that I thought about that dream way too much over the weekend:
The dream last night was less detailed or I can not recall it as well as I can the other one. The part that stands out most of my facial expression and reaction. I really don’t think that there was more to the dream than this..
I guess I should start with saying that I haven’t talked to M much this month and last night she messaged me asking me how I was feeling. I have been sick. Simple things like a message or email from her leaves my head in the clouds for hours at least.. so that happened..
and then I had a dream at some point last night.
She seemed to be meeting me somewhere and said, ‘I’m still not really supposed to see you.’ I looked at her concerningly and said, ‘Okay.’ I have no idea what the next few words were but somehow she said, ‘Yeah, my new boyfriend’s name is Lawrence and he’s just not big on the idea.’ You can only image how much my heart sunk. It was so fast that it hit the floor and shattered and I know that it was all over my face. That is all that I can remember.. really – all I know is that she had a new boyfriend named Lawrence – the rest of it, I haven’t a clue. It was enough to bring my world to a crashing halt, thus reminding me that just because I can ignore my feelings if I want to, it doesn’t make them any less meaningful or extreme, they come right back the minute that I stop actively trying to ignore them.
Today, as I drove home from work on my lunch break, the radio took me back… the first song is one that I have always loved… Here’s a little Sheryl Crow.
If I thought that I was going to escape that thought process quickly.. I was wrong. I may have woken up thinking about her… but it wasn’t going to end there. The next song that came on was a song that I started dreading about a year ago, when I actually had heard the words. I feel like it was about this time last year. I know that I was headed to get my hair cut and I even remember where I parked on the square to allow the song to finish before I turned off my car to get out… now I hear the words intensely, as if someone was speaking to me.. or more like.. her. It’s a good way to make me feel inadequate quickly. I am sure that it has nothing to do with what she meant the song to be about.. but it sounds quite clear to me.
Honestly, it hurts a little, every time that I hear the song..
You would think that I would stop listening to it. As I listen to it too many times and watch the words play above.. makes me realize – that we are all 3 so similar in personality, that it seems caddy but its really just this whole ball of tension that I will never be able to understand or explain. This song gets to me about as much as the Gotye song. and the last line. the last line always makes my stomach sink and picture what my own custom video would like look in that song. he would be singing the entire song. im not even phased that its a female singer – someone. i always see her face at the end, saying that all miley cirus wrecking ball style.. i should go watch that and cry.. i am so much more emotional that most people know. i feel like we all struggle with sexuality and gender in some way. i never really thought that about him but i know that growing up he was smaller than most of the guys and he’s not that tall now.. i dont know how being a guy works.. i avoid them most of the time. life has beome so complicated that i dont even know anymore. i just see patterns and try to come up with a reason. there is no reason or solution, just continue to do what youre supposed to be doing and everything will work out. it may be the biggest lie that i have ever told myself, but only time can tell.
There are a few songs that come on the radio that I just can not help but sing at full volume… usually with the windows down and somehow I feel like I always notice that I am driving past her street as I start to get into it… if she ever seems me.. it will be so embarrassing.. It’s not my fault that one of my best friends lives right down the road. She would probably just smile.
I’ve been called a hopeless romantic a lot in my life.. but I don’t think that it has ever felt this hopeless before.
While spending too much time looking at this computer today and listening to these songs.. I realized that this is my 105th post since I started writing on this site. It came after a day that she told me that we couldn’t talk anymore.. at all.. I’m just glad that that didn’t last forever. I would be her best friend over not knowing her any day..
As I read 9/11 stuff and was reminded of how important it is to tell people how you feel everyday – I have had a hard time not telling her that I love her. The closest that I have ever gotten was telling her that I deeply care about her. Besides this one email years ago when I told her that I knew that we were falling in love.. I say the dumbest shit sometimes, but I truly believe that she understands me and how I feel.
This morning, I almost told her that “Rumor Has It” by Adele makes me feel weird when I listen to it. I could have added that I still remember where I was and what I was doing when I noticed the lyrics… I decided not to. Instead I just told her about my dream that I had about her last night. We agreed to meet on Father’s day.. Sept 5th.. I’m an odd one.
• byadmin • InFolk Rock, Music • Comments Off on we just don’t run this place
When I took a shower, I heard two lines in two different songs that I had never heard before. That will be the last line in each of the Ani songs that I post. The Adele song separated them. All just as insightful.
The last lines seemed to hit so hard tonight.
This song has some of my favorite lines in it, one being at the 2 minute mark. Music gets me though me day.
