The other day, I had to talk to T because I just felt too crazy. K has since apologized more than most. In our conversation, T reminded me that insecurity and jealousy go hand in hand.
Updated: March 2018, Image
90s
Pure intention juxtaposed will set two lovers souls in motion
Why does it come as a surprise. To think that I was so naive.
..if I were really sad, I would listen to these songs.
Just then a tiny little dot caught my eye.
It was just about too small to see.
But I watched it way too long.
It was pulling down.
She matters when everything is meaningless.
Your friends they stand around they watch your crumble
I don’t want nobody to follow me, except maybe you
Today, I woke up in quite an emotionally ornery mood. It’s so difficult to miss M so much and continue to give her the space and time that she needs. How do people do this? Why does she do this?
It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word
Last night, I sent an email that stepped a little bit across those boundaries that I have been trying so hard to determine. I knew it, I even said it in my letter. I felt like I was going to regret it and even woke up the next morning feeling like I should regret it, but guess what, she replied.
I also woke up thinking about my ex, the previous one, I don’t really consider M my ex, because we never had a fair chance.. but anyway, T had some calendar thing last night, she’s basically a model and singer, and I woke up thinking about something that happened weekends ago involving seeing the guy that she left me for for the first time since it happened, over 6 years ago. I told her what happened and how well I handled it, and then I closed facebook and never waited to see her response. That’s tough. I’ll check it later after I am loaded with anxiety medicine and such.
When I heard “What It Takes” and it reminded me about how it used to remind me about T. It did make me think about M when I heard it yesterday but I know that I am just a confused mess. If T had not gotten married to someone that I trusted and respected, because I knew that she did.. I don’t know if I would have ever gotten over it all.
But what do I know, I was probably still a bit confused about T until I met M.. she was the only person that could ever put everything in the past through a different perspective. No one could imagine how immature I used to me. If I told anyone about some weird things that happened with a close guy friend recently, everyone’s jaw would drop.. I didn’t know what to do or how to handle it and I haven’t told a soul about it yet. I started to last night but I have to softly edit it because I couldn’t even speak the words. These two ladies are magical and I know and can not even thank them enough for all that they do for me. I take a little more effort than most, but once in a while, people realize that I am worth it.
The internet has convinced me that I have aspergers but I am almost too afraid to find out, and if I do, I know it is subtle, I have made so much progress in my life and I don’t think most people know the half of it. Now that I think about it, I don’t think that there is one person besides myself that knows most of it at all. Many people know about separate difficulties but each person knows about different thinks. I wouldn’t tell anyone about the domestic violence that I have lived with my whole life, but some people know. I know think my dad knows not to talk about it, or maybe I am the wrong one, feeling like I should keep it a secret. T and M.. both know, at least the present and somewhat present stuff. I try not to talk about when I was little, people get this look on their face and that’s not what I am going for.
And if I must be lonely, I think I’d rather be alone
This song….
…is one of those songs I hear from another perspective now.
If she can tell what I am feeling and thinking, that was interesting. I had no idea that the movie had some many reoccurring themes.
Just today, I was thinking about that dream that I had. The one that meant the most to me.
It’s been weeks ago by now. It was the Sunday before I returned to work from my vacation, so I believe that makes it about a month ago. I probably haven’t seen her since I had that dream. Now is the first time I put that all together.
I believe I disclosed a few details about the dream to her. The words that she spoke to me in the dream circle me daily. The look on her face when she said it follows me as well.
“J__, I love you, I truly do, but now is not the time.”
Last night, I had a dream that was similar, but in the one mentioned above, there was nothing but us, completely darkness, like a photo shoot almost.
In the dream last night, it was not as secluded, just every day life, and she said something to someone along the lines of, “She doesn’t know that I will be there to take amazing care of her, no matter what.” There was nothing there, but my heart and feelings, to tell me that she was talking about me, but she sure did spend 3 hours watching a movie that I wanted to see. That goes far with this little lady.
Has someone taken your faith?
Let it be on record that I have never put myself out there so much i my life. So far, nothing too terrible has happened. She said yes… when I asked her to go to the movies. It doesn’t take much to turn my boring day around.
Today when I was adventuring off to find life, these songs made their way to my ears and heart. Fuckin 99.5.
followed by,
Now I am going to get onto doing my best, “I am pretty.. but not trying too hard because I know this is not a date…” impression. Dang, I miss anyone making me feel like this, even when I have absolutly no chance.. and couldn’t care less. She knows me.
just a few more..
if she only knew.