90s

I thought I knew you…

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Music, Punk •   0

Today, on my way to work, right before I arrived, Gwen Stefani graced my speakers with a long lost song – Sunday Morning.  I jammed out as if I was still in 7th grade, though I was driving.  The first 2 CDs that I ever owned were, No Doubt’s Tragic Kingdom and Jewel’s Pieces of You.  If you remember anything about CDs or I guess any album, is that sometimes.. most of the songs suck, so I didn’t listen to the Jewel CD in full very many times, but Tragic Kingdom is one of my all time favorites.


The more that I listened to the words, the more that I knew that I had to post it here.  Eventually I started questioning a few lyrics, like.. what the hell does, “You’re trying my shoes on for a change…” mean, but I got past it and was left with a few lingering thoughts that were luckily lost until now because of the hustle and bustle at work.  The more the song plays past that line, I realize that it actually has nothing to do with how I feel but there are a few lines that leave me reflecting.

Gwen didn’t always get my feelings right but she sure does have a pretty voice and I could listen to these songs forever.  As I was making this S curve near the rail road tracks, I thought.. what if I didn’t ask to see her that day, she wouldn’t have messaged me saying that she couldn’t see to talk to me anymore, again.

It’s been over 6 months and though I am lucky enough to have forgotten how long the longest has been in the past, but if anyone is concerned about her dedication and follow through, it was quite impressive and speaks loudly for her character. I may be paranoid, but I often worry,but that gets more complicated than I can articulate.

I left work early to go get the new plates for my vehicle.  It’s probably time that I get to that.

I would listen to that album on repeat in 1996 on a Discman that my grandparents bought me.  We were so cool and could skip songs if we wanted to. The sony headphones that came with it were awful.  They were the type with the foam that I am quite sure are no longer in production.

What have I become my sweetest friend.

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Country, Music, Rock •   0

doday, 101 X reminded me that Johnny Cash could put Trent Reznor in his place any day.  This is only a compliment, I love Nine Inch Nails and I have a lot of respect for it all, when I was in high school, I didn’t understand and I was offended that a country singer would attempt a Nine Inch Nails song. A decade later, I hear it on the radio and it says something new that I have never heard before.  I never thought that I would be the liar.

I must just be emotional today because the next song was Oasis’s Champagne Supernova which is another song that I have hear thousands of times, but it also seemed to send a message.  Every day I feel like I learn something new about emotions.  I wonder if I will ever understand.

Back in high school, I wasn’t really aware that Johnny Cash was a bad ass.  I grew up in the country and despised much of the culture.  It didn’t help that society had perpetuated that.

Don’t tell me cause it hurts

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Grammy Nominee, Music •   0
bc0fbcb88a465d14bc64b228fe26bccb

This morning, I was day dreaming about the lady way too early.  I listened to some Adele, sent her a revealing email and by that I mean completely sincere and open – nothing that modern day society may think.

YouTube took me to Tracy Chapman and then No Doubt.  This is a song that I have known most of my life but today, I finally knew what it meant.  I had been there.  It described the last few years of my life.

When everything else disappeared

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Folk Rock, Glam Metal, Grammy Nominee, Hard Rock, Indie Rock, Industrial rock, Music, New Wave, Rock •   0
tumblr_ntsrq0N28Y1sspc3ao2_400

The thing about keeping great records, digital ones at that, is that it is easy to cross reference them when needed.  Today marks 2 years since a difficult day in my life.  That day happens to be the day that I started this site, as a way to deal with the situation.  It looks like it was the next day or so that I was at work, ended up talking to someone that made me a little sad on the phone.. then my boss jumped down my throat and made me cry on a call.. That will be 2 years ago Monday.  In my opinion, I handled it very well.  That call was one call before my lunch, I remember it quite well.  The call after that is the one that I actually started to cry during, barely, but everything had just been building up.  I logged out when it was time to go to lunch, I walked right up to my boss and told her that I was going to the doctor and that I would be back the next day.

In the past, I had been on anxiety medicine, and at some time around when my middle niece was born, about 3 and a half years ago, I had stopped taking it.  With everything that had transpired and how much I was reacting to everything around me, I knew that it was something that I needed in my life.  In retrospect, this site serves as a record of my progress in the last 2 years.  Since then, I have been promoted at work.  I on my 8th training class and somehow I have gained the trust and understanding of the woman that I have fallen in love with.  I feel that way anyway.  It’s a huge deal to me because I tend to keep everyone in my life at a safe distance, but something tells me that she is different.. and I enjoy every minute of it.

When I was coming home from my friend’s house tonight, I drove by her old house for the first time since she had left.  I just kind of turned when I really didn’t have to.  My heart felt a little lighter when I saw his car in the drive way.  I’m uncertain why I can’t bring myself to just ask her a few things.  My imagination had been playing with combinations and statistical realities.. Most people that know me, know that I would wait 2 more years for her without thinking twice.. and hate it – I’m not sure why.  Those act like I am selling myself short and that no one should wait for anyone.. Then the other reactions that I get are more sincere in my eyes, I can’t tell you how much I like it when someone reacts the opposite and confirms that it’s incredibly romantic.  There’s a handful of close friends that know just how I feel.  They see my face when I talk to her.  My attempt to smile as she leaves.  It’s nice when someone actually understands you.  It seems to be so rare lately.

While stumbling around the YouTube.. I found this gem:

and I’ll look out the window..

• by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Indie Rock, Music, Neo-folk •   Comments Off on and I’ll look out the window..

.. making jokes about the way things are

Can I be the first to say that I fall in love with her over and over again.  It’s been like this since the day that met her.  She wouldn’t want to know that I often refer to her as ‘the woman that I am in love with..’  The next few words is always, ‘Well, what’s the problem?”  That’s never fun to try to avoid.. time, life, people, love. you pick.  They usually laugh and ask if she has a boyfriend.  Sometimes I just say that I hope not.. I have a reputation of liking straight women.. if they only knew.. she just might love me too.

This is what YouTube did to me tonight:

Outta this mess..

• by admin • In Music, Riot grrrl •   Comments Off on Outta this mess..

..baby, outta my head

I did something stupid.  It all started when I met this woman at the Ani Difranco concert, the I happened to get a bass guitar for Christmas from my brother.  Very shortly there after she was looking for people in class where she teaches a group to learn 3 songs in 6 one hour sessions.  Of course, I signed up for it without my though or research.  Here are the 3 songs that I am supposed to know how to play, by memory in less that a week.  If you’re wondering, no I don’t practice.  I have decided that these songs are so bad to start with, I can completely mess up and no one will ever know.. I don’t like any of these songs.


If you ask me, they get progressively worse in the order that I have learned them. I am using the term, ‘learn’, very loosely here. These videos are actually really odd. The first one did not seem to have an official video to it so I chose a Buffy one for her.  I want to do something like that with a song and TV show or movie one day.

And some nights I’m scared you’ll forget me again

• by admin • In Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop Rock, Punk Rock, Rock •   0

A few nights ago, I had a dream that I haven’t told anyone about. It was almost like if I just didn’t talk about it. It would just go away. Somehow that approach to things never works as well as it sounds. There is a song that hear on the radio and each time I do.. i think about the dream. This is where I must add some explanation.

From what I can remember, my dream started like a pretty standard night for me. I was pulling up to my mailbox to check the mail on the way home. This night was unlike most, because it was much colder than normal. I was wearing a heavy leather jacket and I could feel the cold on my face as I leaned over my passenger side seat, which for me is more like climbing, and reached for the mail. As I stuck my hand towards the back of the mail box to reach something that had been pushed all the way back of my mail box, I glanced up to see someone looking at me as he walked by. My immediate reaction was to ask if he needed a ride, as it was someone I recognized.. and I did. It was not something that I gave a second thought or even had a chance to consider what the next few minutes could be like. He hesitantly accepted the offer.

I pulled up a little in front of my mail boxes and he got in my car and pointed in the direction that he was going. I nodded and turned the radio back up slightly. It felt like forever and I was burning up in my jacket. The drive felt pretty real as I acted as if I was following his directions.. but I knew exactly where he lived. I never said a word, tried my hardest to keep a straight face as I drove. Most of the time I used the cold and the exaggeration of how cold it was to mask my facial expressions. I wasn’t sure what he would see, but I knew that it would be something.

This was fresh on my mind today as I drove to the store to get dinner. The Sublime song came on again and I just drifted off into thinking about that dream, my thoughts and how I felt. My heart races, I was so nervous, and of what. There were moments when I thought that this is how people get murdered.. Then I realized that he probably had no clue at all. What surprised me the most – is that the emotions that I was trying so hard to hide were shame and guilt. What would have I said if I would have said something? As I pulled up to the store, I thought about a lot of things.

When I went inside… I could have sworn that I saw her. There in line – checking out. My heart stopped and I froze. I was never quite sure but I walked away… What would I say to her?

I have felt like crying for weeks. This isn’t helping any. In a few weeks I will be turning 31 and I have never felt older. My youngest brother would be turning 26 this year. He hasn’t even been gone but a few months and everything has started to fall apart. I often wonder what he would think if he could see us right now.. He would say.. ‘Damn, they really did care about me.’ It all has made me sick.

and for the song that wouldn’t stay out of my dreams and keeps taking me back to them…

In watching both videos, I am quite sure that I did not mention how the dream ended. I pulled up to her house, parked where I normally would and glanced at him as he thanked me. I was just trying my best at this point at hiding my feelings of despair, defeat and some things that I’m just not used to. I drove away, trying not to cry, as I had many times before.

Updated: Match 2018 -Image and tags