Break free from the chains

It’s been really hard to write anything for the last year or so. It’s been far too imtemidating and quite honestly it is hard not to be fearful of everything that surrounds you at times.

On the first of this month, she surprised me by asking if I was okay. I had been feeling sick and probably was whining to her over messenger but I never expect that she will read it.

Despite monitoring my traffic heavily, I just can’t bring myself to express myself the way I once could – possibly a symbol of growth, but either way, my heart is content and I am searching for ways to untangle this mess.

I thought that I heard you laughing

Today, I needed a song from 1991 because I noticed that my word cloud at the bottom of the page was not even – we will blame the retrograde or something. I should be asleep – its 9:15 AM – but I have been logging into work early to cover for people, I am logged out until 10 currently.

I realized why I have no songs from 1991 – they are all pretty terrible, except this one.

Last Tuesday, I went to karaoke and this is the song of the night. I watched the words as they scrolled down the screen. It was one of those moments – where I had heard the song so many times, thousands on this one – but that night – one week ago, I felt like I was writing the words as they displayed.

The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I’ve said too much

Trying to keep up with you
And I don’t know if I can do it
Oh no I’ve said too much
I haven’t said enough

I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper, of every waking hour
I’m choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool, fool
Oh no I’ve said too much
I set it up

Consider this
Consider this the hint of the century
Consider this the slip
That brought me to my knees, failed
What if all these fantasies come
Flailing around
Now I’ve said too much

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

I have always known it was a gay song, well I am quite sure its historical anyway – but last Tuesday, it meant more to me.

But I don’t need the same

When I was watching the news today, I saw coverage on a fatal shooting that happened out in Hills of Hays.  I guess it’s a pretty big deal – but the news clip reminded me about what exactly I feared.  The clip was talking about warning signs of domestic violence and I am sure part if it goes along with caring about her so much and wanting the best for her, but I have always feared that I would ignore obvious red flags just because I didn’t want to be too pushy or over step anything.  I remind myself that I could be paranoid because of the way I grew up with my parents.  My dad was subject to physical, emotional and mental abuse for as long as I can remember.  He kept trying to help my mom because he loved her and she was his kids’ mother.   I had not been around that type of manipulation in a long time, so I forgot what it was like until Maddie started treating me like I owed her everything and she could tell me what I could and couldn’t do.  It just made it all so much more real for me.  I realized that as much as I said I would never let anyone tell me what to do – there I was, following orders even though I didn’t agree.  Everyone would tell me to get the fuck out and I knew that I needed to but it wasn’t that easy.  It wasn’t that easy at all.  The harder it was for me and honestly, I am not completely free from it yet but I am trying really hard to distance myself as much as possible until she moves, but it made me realize that it could happen to anyone and that my fears weren’t that far fetched.  A few people really sat me down and talked to me about things when they observed concerning behaviors and it helped me some.  It really took her behavior with this other girl to finally upset me enough to not want to be part of any of it at all.  I don’t know why I am rambling on at this point but it’s important to me to say that I can handle anything and I’m not scared – ultimately. I cherish our friendship.

Here’s a random cute song to counteract that.

How and why would the YouTube play a song like this next:

If I were tough, these songs would not frequent my playlist.

And one of my favorite songs of all time

And scars are souvenirs you never lose
The past is never far

I feel summer creepin’ in and I’m tired of this town again

I’ll start with, I really dislike this video but love the song.  It came on the radio as I was leaving work to go on my lunch break.  It’s been a bad day.  I always forget to take my medicine and today was one of those testing days.  The agent that sits next to me left in tears saying that she needed to go to her doctor and I pretty much felt the same before 11. I am minutes before having to go back to work but here is my video for now.