80s

In front of total strangers won’t you kiss me

• by admin • In Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Movies, Music, Rock •   0

During my ‘birthday party’ I received a text that sent me back to what’s really important.  I don’t mean to get side tracked so easily, but the minute that I see her.. that’s all that I can see.  Nothing else matters, especially people that I try my hardest to forget that they exist..

She said that she was kind of in trouble, and that left me blaming myself.  We don’t do a thing wrong,  but I’m aware that my feelings are wrong and maybe she has some of those too.  It’s all an extremely complicated journey that just makes me want to watch The Lake House all the way through, just to hear Sandra Bullock say, “You waited!”  I can barely handle romantic things like that.

At night, as I lay in bed, I think about how we are similar to a couple that you would see in a black and white romance movie.  However, as unexpected as it is, I am the woman, all done up with curly hair and a white dress completely with doughy eyes and all, and she is Hugh Grant, in a suit with a fancy hat on, kissing me sweetly just before she tells me that she has to leave.  Oh how I love / hate how that feels.  I know that she feels the same way about me as I do her.. or I wouldn’t be so quick to sacrifice my time and sanity.

and one more video to help the heart beat…

So perhaps I should leave here

• by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Music, Pop •   Comments Off on So perhaps I should leave here

The song must have started just as I got into the car to go to work, because it played nearly the whole way to work. I had found another song that I had heard a million times. but I had never listened.. Maybe because if had never meant a thing to me. There were a few lines that really stood out to me.. and I was convinced, once again, about the radio conspiracy.

At the time, I didn’t think there was a better song to explain how I felt. Then I had to come home on lunch and listen to one of my classic favorites. I stumbled across this lovely live version of “As Is” by Ani and the slight alterations made me smile, so here it is. At least she admits that she’s an asshole. Who am I to judge?

They’re talkin’ about you and it’s bringin’ me down

• by admin • In Hard Rock, Pop, Pop Rock, Rock, Soft Rock •   0

Today, I heard this song on the radio… and it took me back to the day my sister and niece saw her at walmart when she was buying her bike. The look on my sister’s face when she was talking to me about it said… “Sis.. believe what you want, but your lady is bi.. and with a guy.” Why couldn’t she have been wrong.. just this once.

I often wonder if I am convincingly over her.. but I am sure she sees right through it. It’s one of those things when you are glad people can see right through you, but at least your trying.

‘I could leave but I won’t go, it’d be easier I know’

• by admin • In Pop Rock, Progressive rock •   0

Getting out of bed in the morning is always the hardest part.  Maybe I should change the time that I have been taking my medicine.  People say it can make a difference.  I strolled into work a casual 20 minutes late but no one complained.  Luckily, last Thursday I went straight into work and took the next available day off.  Thank you last week me for knowing that this week me would still not want to have anything to do with work.  It’s almost like I have been here before and I just don’t want to see another self fulfilled prophecy, so I can’t even talk about that, but I plan on doing things a lot differently.

Last time I felt like I had lost everything that I had dreamed about for so long, I went a little… wild.  I was on a search for something that is not easy to find and I went about it all the wrong way for so long.  In about 2012 I had realized that it just wasn’t working for me and quit dating ladies.. I actually hadn’t called anyone my girlfriend since 2009, until I met her.

She called me her girlfriend first, and since I wasn’t trying to find myself in some weird embarrassing situation, I was sooo clear.  I had asked her if we were actually together, you know, before I went and told the whole world.  It was a Saturday, it was slow at work, and I actually posted it on facebook and oh did my friends react..   I never told her but she’s not on facebook and would probably have considered it all silly anyway.  (To see the reactions)  The first one to comment was a girl that I had started to talk to briefly in May.  I had actually been at her mother’s benefit the day that I had met said lady.  Every time i wear those jeans and button up shirt together, i think of that day.  The shoes that I were wearing haven’t been worn since about that time.  Maybe they didn’t make me feel sophisticated enough for her.

The point of thinking about that was that, I never changed my relationship status away from that.  In July when she broke up with me, I left it stay the same for a while.  My friend Amber said that if I didn’t change it I would look crazy.. So I made it private.  I’m sure that’s less crazy.  Now, every time I open my facebook, on the right it says “In a relationship” and I get just a little sad thinking about how absolutely excited I was when I believed that I had everything I had been dreaming about.

Which leads me to thinking about how she just made my heart flutter so much by just walking in the door less than a month ago.  Maybe I shouldn’t have ignored the yellow flowers.  It does mean friendship, after all.  They were the ones standing out like my animation reference.  The denial was too strong.  The fantasy was also.  We have a way of seeing what we want to and ignoring the rest.

She is someone that I would tight rope walk on the bendy line of my out stretched morals while reminding myself to quit looking down so I’m not so afraid of falling.   I am scared of heights but no afraid of falling.

Now if I can just convince myself to leave her alone until she wants to have me back in her life.  Until then I am making changing to make sure I am easier to deal with.  She shouldn’t have to deal with me and my jealousy.

If the question ever arises, “Why would I spend time messing with a website that no one may see?”  The answer is simple: Someone may read it, and it may make a difference, specifically referring to only one person of course.  And if not, what do I have to lose?  It’s my attempt to do a little better about that walking away so tough and never looking back thing.  I only expected it to last a few weeks but it seems that I never even made it to the first step.. for me to shut the heck up.  It seems impossible.  The forces at be are more powerful than my amazing will power.. That’s all.

Updated: March 2018 – Image and tags

Well, how can I forget you, girl?

• by admin • In New Wave, Pop Rock •   0

As I walked back to my bedroom from the kitchen, the pumpkin caught my eye.  We bought pumpkins to carve back in October when we were having a good moment.  She had to go out of state and there they sat waiting to be carved.  The one I bought was bigger, something happened to it and it started to rot around Christmas.  I haven’t really gone near it in a while, but there’s a pumpkin sitting in there.  Interestingly enough, now that I write about it, I am reminded of a pumpkin that I had in Kyle under similar circumstances.   It would probably even appear in the background of photos I had taken at the time.  There are too many similarities between the two ladies who have caught my attention, right now to the way they disappeared so gracefully from my life after making it such a wonderful place.