I Wish That I Had Charlie’s Girl

August 6, 2015September 17, 2021 • by admin • In Music, Pop • 0

Today as I was driving home from work, I felt emotionally weak as I replaced Jesse’s name with Charlie in my head without intention.

I started feeling guilty and sad at the same time. Why do I have to love someone that is so taken.. and how will I ever know if she is happy or not.

The realization that I would rather live a life of solitude to ensure that the people that I love are truly happy, is not a foreign concept to me.

There is a lady that I would do anything for and I just want her to know that. No one would believe that I have no so much as kissed her since sometime in 2013 probably about mid October. The moments will last forever in my heart but I have since lost the date because the time frame no longer matters. There is no question, we have the most complex relationship that I have had with someone that is not related to me. That sounds weird as I type it, but it is not hard to tell I do not mean sexual relationship. I just wanted to broaden it to encompass every aspect of my life. There are so many reference points but its almost hard to keep them in order.

My thoughts have gotten so complicated on the matter. Things like the nine inch nails concert and the day she broke up with me play over and over in my head. Sometimes I can’t stop thinking about things that happened before I even met her, those are usually about him and so long ago. I’ve never thought so much or been so distracted by anyone. I honestly feel like she affects me in the most positive ways but I constantly worry that I negativity affect her life. The last thing I want to be is selfish but I also don’t want to be so passive that I see right past the truth.

Tell me how the pain’s supposed to go

July 20, 2015September 17, 2021 • by admin • In Classic Rock, Music • 0

Tell me how it is that you can sleep in the night
Without thinking you lost ev’rything that was good in your life to the toss of the dice?

There is no doubt you’re in my heart now

July 20, 2015September 17, 2021 • by admin • In Classic Rock • 0

Got to be true to myself

July 3, 2015September 17, 2021 • by admin • In Music, Pop, Rock • 0

It’s been a while since I have posted anything. Tonight on the drive up to Austin, I heard this song and it took me back to the day that it has always reminded me about:

I wondered more than ever, what the words even meant. As I thought more and more about that day that she left me standing by my car as she left.. Then I thought.. “yeah and then I went all Melissa Etheridge on her.” It’s not something that I am specifically proud of, but I won’t deny it all the same. I started flipping through the radio stations when I ended up on one playing this song. I didn’t even have to change the station more than a few times.

The reason that I was in Austin, was for a concert. I saw Dashboard Confessional and 3rd Eye Blind. It was a good show. There was something missing and I was pretty sure that it was her.

Then on the way home, this song came on and I sang it until I lost my voice..

Tell me why it took thinking about her when I heard this song to make me realize that I may be a bit emotional today. I know that she is and I want to — make her smile.

It’s about that time.. when my dog wants me to come to bed.

It was too cold to cry when I woke up alone

January 27, 2015September 17, 2021 • by admin • In Music, Pop • 0

and just to be controversial, timely and all those things, I will add this one in there too.

All last summer incase you don’t recall

January 25, 2015September 17, 2021 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Music, Rock • 0

The other day, I had to talk to T because I just felt too crazy. K has since apologized more than most. In our conversation, T reminded me that insecurity and jealousy go hand in hand.

Updated: March 2018, Image

Why does it come as a surprise. To think that I was so naive.

January 15, 2015September 28, 2021 • by admin • In Music, Rock • Comments Off

..if I were really sad, I would listen to these songs.

Just then a tiny little dot caught my eye.
It was just about too small to see.
But I watched it way too long.
It was pulling down.

She matters when everything is meaningless.

It’s funny how we feel so much but we cannot say a word

December 13, 2014June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Music, Pop • Comments Off

Last night, I sent an email that stepped a little bit across those boundaries that I have been trying so hard to determine. I knew it, I even said it in my letter. I felt like I was going to regret it and even woke up the next morning feeling like I should regret it, but guess what, she replied.

I also woke up thinking about my ex, the previous one, I don’t really consider M my ex, because we never had a fair chance.. but anyway, T had some calendar thing last night, she’s basically a model and singer, and I woke up thinking about something that happened weekends ago involving seeing the guy that she left me for for the first time since it happened, over 6 years ago. I told her what happened and how well I handled it, and then I closed facebook and never waited to see her response. That’s tough. I’ll check it later after I am loaded with anxiety medicine and such.

When I heard “What It Takes” and it reminded me about how it used to remind me about T. It did make me think about M when I heard it yesterday but I know that I am just a confused mess. If T had not gotten married to someone that I trusted and respected, because I knew that she did.. I don’t know if I would have ever gotten over it all.

But what do I know, I was probably still a bit confused about T until I met M.. she was the only person that could ever put everything in the past through a different perspective. No one could imagine how immature I used to me. If I told anyone about some weird things that happened with a close guy friend recently, everyone’s jaw would drop.. I didn’t know what to do or how to handle it and I haven’t told a soul about it yet. I started to last night but I have to softly edit it because I couldn’t even speak the words. These two ladies are magical and I know and can not even thank them enough for all that they do for me. I take a little more effort than most, but once in a while, people realize that I am worth it.

The internet has convinced me that I have aspergers but I am almost too afraid to find out, and if I do, I know it is subtle, I have made so much progress in my life and I don’t think most people know the half of it. Now that I think about it, I don’t think that there is one person besides myself that knows most of it at all. Many people know about separate difficulties but each person knows about different thinks. I wouldn’t tell anyone about the domestic violence that I have lived with my whole life, but some people know. I know think my dad knows not to talk about it, or maybe I am the wrong one, feeling like I should keep it a secret. T and M.. both know, at least the present and somewhat present stuff. I try not to talk about when I was little, people get this look on their face and that’s not what I am going for.