I went out to Stonewall tonight.  I said a few things to her throughout the day but once I started drinking – I knew it was best for me to shut the fuck up, so I didn’t say anything at all.  Well, I did say something after calling her pretty but I had barely started drinking at that point and there was no way it could have been inconsiderate or disrespectful.

It’s really important to me that I never make anything harder on her and that she knows that I have the purest of intentions.  I might get nervous as hell when I don’t know what is expected of me.  The world knows that I wanted to run up to her and hug her but I am guessing that is not the best thing to do.  Then I didn’t want him to see me and try to talk to me, there is no way that I could have kept a straight face if he would have introduced me to her.  I really don’t think that he would have said anything to me in that situation but the few times that I bought sandwiches where he worked, I was quite shocked at how well he remembered me.  I tend to believe that I can blend in and not stand out – but I have never really been that person.  I haven’t been able to follow gender norms since I was allowed to think for myself and around here that didn’t always go so well.

The more I drank, the more my mind wandered.  There was a bunch of kids with Xs on their hands at the gay bar – was very uneventful.  I questioned what I would ask her if I could ask her anything.  The first thing that came to mind was if she could go to that bonzi garden with me sometime next week but I told myself that the scheduled did not match up.  I’d ask her about what she was going to try to tell me about, just what has been going on and what can I do to make things easiest?  I’m afraid she thinks that I can’t handle it or something or maybe she’s just not ready.  It means a lot that she would even try or consider it.  I would ask her if she was happy, but I would want a real answer.  I’d ask her about her grandma, but I am always too scared to ask that question.  My heart sunk when she contacted me to tell me that she found out she was sick – then we lost contact and I thought about it way too often.  I had always wanted to paint those shoes in the barn, but knew I was not good enough and forgot what they looked like exactly, not that I ever really knew, but I did know why they ended up there and that’s what touched my heart.

Then I drifted off into, what would I want her to know.   I would want her to know that my feelings have never changed for her, though I had tried to change them many times.  If she ever needed a place to go, I would welcome her without question or expectation and give up my bed quickly if asked.  Maddison and I are just friends and will not be getting back together and she’s quite aware about how I feel but she tells me you have no interest in me, not that I listen at all, which if you didn’t that’s fine with me too but it turns out, I am quite interested despite my best efforts not to be.  I know that she cares about me.  I know that she cares about me a lot.  I’d never ask if she had any romantic feelings for me, because I just can’t justify that as appropriate.  Though I am sure most people wouldn’t believe it – I try my best to do the right thing.

Something funny did happen at the bar today.  Apparently, when I was up buying drinking, this gay guy saw me and got really excited until I turned around and he was I was a woman.. I totally missed it but my friend did not.  Gotta love that.  I really didn’t have a song so I just chose one.  My brother plays this song all of the time.