What would she think if she could see me right now.. she’d be impressed that I could scream every word to these terrible songs that I have listened to since I owned my first CD…
and I do know.. deep down inside, she would be rooting for me.
but I am still crumbling.
YouTube picked every one of these damn songs – which only proves that I was never cool – only, extremely excited.
I stopped it after that one because it freaked me out. I have seen The Social Network and the way my random poems have changed is really fucking weird. A post with those to come because I have been saving them just because its unbelievable. I guess you notice what is on your mind.
You get down, real low down You listen to Coltrane, derail your own train Well, who hasn’t been there before? I come ’round, around the hard way Bring you comics in bed, scrape the mold off the bread And serve you French toast again Well, okay, I still get stoned I’m not the kind of girl you’d take home
I nearly feel guilty for feeling some songs – but I felt it hard.
I hate when I get lost in songs like this. As I left work, it was playing. Of course, I had to roll down my windows and scream it to myself – it makes me feel better – about doing nothing. I know that she wants me and she even confirms everything that I want to hear but I just feel like I can not complete the puzzle and I do not know what to do.
Some nights, its harder than others. But when I feel like this, I feel like I act like this every damn night.
This is it, boys, this is war, what are we waiting for? Why don’t we break the rules already? I was never one to believe the hype Save that for the black and white I try twice as hard, and I’m half as liked But here they come again to jack my style
Fun.
And some nights, I’m scared you’ll forget me again
Sometimes the words between the lines scream out at me. That’s when I ask myself what the fuck is wrong with me. How many patterns can you recognize and disregard before you realize that you aren’t quick or smart – possibly closer to fucking stupid but that is an argument with myself that I hope I never have to truly have.
Current political issues have me fearing the future. As Texas makes abortion less accessible – I fear what next. When “If These Walls Could Talk” came out on HBO, I watched them. The look into the history of abortion terrified me but I didn’t think that it applied to my life at all. Its been over a decade since I have watched either but I know every critical scene because they all got through to me. Now that I have experienced life for about 20 years or more since each, I realize how much the right to an abortion is critical and could affect my life drastically if the circumstances were grossly aligned.
The second one has always been deeply rooted in my heart. I was about 16 or 17 years old when I realized why having a marriage license was so important and at the time there was no hope it sight. I never even fathomed the idea that I may have the possibility to get married in America. Eventually I knew a few counties that I could but that would never help me here. Since then, I have met the one and that was before it was even legal. I celebrated her home state allowing same sexed married months or years after we met. After it was federally legal, my mind tended to drift. It’s kind of cool to have never really believed I would marry anyone but one person, as before her – I never knew it could happen. Enough about the gays, we all know about that and today its more about Demi Moore and 1952.
All those thoughts made me connect each song to each other. When the song below plays, I have equal and different emotions in the same direction as the last, I should probably go to sleep soon, she might miss me in our dreams.
He says I know you have to go You have gone before We are fighting on two different fronts Of the same war But no matter what else I will do I will wait for you
Ani DiFranco
My boxer neighbor was over tonight and saw me writing, she asked about the site. She was so impressed, and said things that really made me feel better about my situation. Sometimes I think I vent to her and just tell her how hard it can be and she really can only listen because she has no personal experiences like that and is so sheltered its nearly an innocent opinion.
People act like caring about someone makes you crazy and sometime that can really hurt.
Here is a song that graced my screen today, its a song that goes so far back in my little heart but it never meant this before. This feeling gets stronger every time i hear it as many months usually pass first. Most sound minded lesbians avoud Sarah McLachlan at all cost, Plus we all see those poor pups on TV at the mention of her name.
‘Hold on, for this is going to hurt like hell’ its actually:
I have seen this movie and this combination hurt before I ever hurt play. Sometimes – I feel like I am stuck in a movie.
It’s 1:11 am, do I get to make a wish? I’ll make half of one – that important half.
• byadmin • InMovies, Music • Comments Off on As they turn your dream to shame
Leave it to me to yell at myself in my sleep. I would love to say, I used to struggle with a few things – and then I remind myself.. that when I least expect it, my sub-conscience makes sure to jump in and make sure I don’t forget. I guess the trust is, I am completely scared of life and most importantly genuine emotions.
On a short drive to a friend’s house, I reflected on how I least expected that in my dream. I can only tell that by my reaction. I seemed confused and completely off guard which wouldn’t be the case at all. I usually proceed with caution – but this time it wasn’t at that house, it was somewhere else, that I have not seen before.
When I got to Jeremy’s, he was watching Les Miserables. I walked in seconds after this song started and like the drama music boy that he is, he paused the movie to tell me the long back story and make sure that my heart was completely broken before I watched the following scene. I caught myself thinking, “I don’t usually pay attention to the crap on his TV, but when I do, of course it’s something like this.”
I Dreamed a Dream
It was the single most depressing scene to hear about. I didn’t see much else of the movie because I was not there very long. Well – she dies, that was sad. It was enough to set the perspective straight for a little while at least.
I have been stuck in my head thinking about what happened at the Pizza place. I haven’t heard from her sense. I’m afraid that either C noticed and is mad or she was hurt by seeing me with Maddie, which I think would be unlikely – because I am sure that she knows how I feel – but I can’t help but wonder or worry that I screwed up some how.
At least she reads my messages – I am just more concerned that something is wrong but I ignore it because I don’t want her to think I am weird.
I hate when this song is playing deep down inside. Tomorrow, I am having some dumb procedure and I am a bit nervous about it. People say it is nothing, but at this point, I am worried about what they could or could not find.
When I drive by her old house, there are tons of construction equipment parked in front. There’s something quite depressing about that.
I nearly cry every time I listen to this song. Since it came our in 2014 – it has always had the same effect on me, but right now it feels realer than it ever has before.
Then of course, YouTube brought these feelings back too. It knows what songs hurt best together.
I am writing to you because she said you listen and understand and didn’t try to sleep with that person at that party even though you could have. Please don’t try to figure out who I am. I don’t want you to do that. I just need to know that people like you exist. Like if you met me you wouldn’t think I was the weird kid who spent time in the hospital. And I wouldn’t make you nervous. I hope it’s okay for me to think that. You see, I haven’t really talked to anyone outside of my family all summer. But tomorrow is my first day of high school ever, and I need to turn things around. So I have a plan. As I enter the school for the first time, I will visualize what it would be like on the last day of my senior year. Unfortunately I counted, and that’s one thousand three hundred and eighty-five days.
When I first saw the movie, I asked her if she had seen it?
After reading over that letter, I had to do some math before I went to bed, it has been 470 days since we have had a conversation… I hope that I don’t have to wait 915 more.
A few nights ago, I had a dream that I haven’t told anyone about. It was almost like if I just didn’t talk about it. It would just go away. Somehow that approach to things never works as well as it sounds. There is a song that hear on the radio and each time I do.. i think about the dream. This is where I must add some explanation.
From what I can remember, my dream started like a pretty standard night for me. I was pulling up to my mailbox to check the mail on the way home. This night was unlike most, because it was much colder than normal. I was wearing a heavy leather jacket and I could feel the cold on my face as I leaned over my passenger side seat, which for me is more like climbing, and reached for the mail. As I stuck my hand towards the back of the mail box to reach something that had been pushed all the way back of my mail box, I glanced up to see someone looking at me as he walked by. My immediate reaction was to ask if he needed a ride, as it was someone I recognized.. and I did. It was not something that I gave a second thought or even had a chance to consider what the next few minutes could be like. He hesitantly accepted the offer.
I pulled up a little in front of my mail boxes and he got in my car and pointed in the direction that he was going. I nodded and turned the radio back up slightly. It felt like forever and I was burning up in my jacket. The drive felt pretty real as I acted as if I was following his directions.. but I knew exactly where he lived. I never said a word, tried my hardest to keep a straight face as I drove. Most of the time I used the cold and the exaggeration of how cold it was to mask my facial expressions. I wasn’t sure what he would see, but I knew that it would be something.
This was fresh on my mind today as I drove to the store to get dinner. The Sublime song came on again and I just drifted off into thinking about that dream, my thoughts and how I felt. My heart races, I was so nervous, and of what. There were moments when I thought that this is how people get murdered.. Then I realized that he probably had no clue at all. What surprised me the most – is that the emotions that I was trying so hard to hide were shame and guilt. What would have I said if I would have said something? As I pulled up to the store, I thought about a lot of things.
When I went inside… I could have sworn that I saw her. There in line – checking out. My heart stopped and I froze. I was never quite sure but I walked away… What would I say to her?
I have felt like crying for weeks. This isn’t helping any. In a few weeks I will be turning 31 and I have never felt older. My youngest brother would be turning 26 this year. He hasn’t even been gone but a few months and everything has started to fall apart. I often wonder what he would think if he could see us right now.. He would say.. ‘Damn, they really did care about me.’ It all has made me sick.
and for the song that wouldn’t stay out of my dreams and keeps taking me back to them…
In watching both videos, I am quite sure that I did not mention how the dream ended. I pulled up to her house, parked where I normally would and glanced at him as he thanked me. I was just trying my best at this point at hiding my feelings of despair, defeat and some things that I’m just not used to. I drove away, trying not to cry, as I had many times before.
Skipping work to sleep all day sounds extremely expensive at this point in time. It’s complicated corporate bullshit since tomorrow is.. was a paid holiday. Whatever, health is important and I never miss work. The playlist that has worked itself into my day is quite repetitive.
The first time that I heard this song, I thought about her and it hit pretty hard. Back then – things were much different. I understood a lot less but still felt.. something was happening.
I had searched my last name and Slovania trying to get that former president’s name. It was when I was adding my dad and little brother on skype. Then I was curious enough to search my last name to see what other family members had skype accounts. I was suddenly reminded that the internet is not only nation wide and suddenly my name looked pretty normal next to theirs. I forgot what that lady’s name was so I searched that and found a hilarious parody of “Wrecking Ball.”
From there it was all down hill. My friend was here. She put up with me listening to this song next. We were discussing how we felt about these young ladies getting so naked so casually in music videos. Don’t get me wrong, I am as guilty as every other American enjoying these videos.. but I hate that I do. Out of curiosity, I had to research when that was and sources say August 2013, which was a confusing time for this lady. I’m adaptable. Now I expect it..
The youtube must have sensed my mood because after I listened to that song tonight, this popped up.
It was like it was reading my mind. Damn computer – quit reminding me how predictable I am. At least I have dealt with situations better this time. I don’t think that I have ever been able to consider anyone else’s feelings before. I am always reminded of simple text messages that put me back in my place. I never wanted to hurt her, at all.
In other news, I told my friend that I was over here about my brother’s snake bite situation 11 years ago. She teared up and felt it was Oprah worthy. I’d rather believe that anyone would help a family member the same. I wasn’t really the one helping but more of my grandmother. It was a bad day.. or while I guess you would say.
