2011

When it’s exactly 12 o’clock, midnight

• by admin • In Movies, Music •   0

I used to have this problem with jealousy and I would end up acting pretty controlling without it being brought to my attention. When I see it with other people, it is the worst and angers me to no end, so I did everything I could to stop that behavior. For several years, I thought it was gone. I was complacent about everything but never jealous.

I realized why is vanished for a while and it was directly related to my lack of passion in life at the time. When my passion resurfaced, so did the negative feelings that went with it. Then I spent the next half of a decade trying to figure everything out and I have made a lot of progress – but these last few weeks or even months have really reminded me that its not the initial feelings that I can control but how I react to it.

So at this point, if I think something that I know is stupid and I shouldn’t say, I try my best to keep it to myself or at least express that I am not thrilled with my feelings despite having them. Hopefully she can tell the difference.. I used to be a real handful. Then a crazy woman and some kids broke me and in my journey back to the surface, her smile kept me going. It was nearly a year ago when she contacted me. I couldn’t even tell you what day but I was already aware of the lay off but that was only 2 weeks in. When I felt like I was being buried alive, she extended her hand when I least expected it. I have my theories but I never ask. My life is a better place with her in it, so I really should learn to stop concerning myself with my fears and to look forward for once. I keep trying. She makes it easier.

What Are You Doing New Years Eve? (2011)

Got to be true to myself

• by admin • In Music, Pop, Rock •   0

It’s been a while since I have posted anything. Tonight on the drive up to Austin, I heard this song and it took me back to the day that it has always reminded me about:

I wondered more than ever, what the words even meant. As I thought more and more about that day that she left me standing by my car as she left.. Then I thought.. “yeah and then I went all Melissa Etheridge on her.” It’s not something that I am specifically proud of, but I won’t deny it all the same. I started flipping through the radio stations when I ended up on one playing this song. I didn’t even have to change the station more than a few times.

The reason that I was in Austin, was for a concert. I saw Dashboard Confessional and 3rd Eye Blind. It was a good show. There was something missing and I was pretty sure that it was her.

Then on the way home, this song came on and I sang it until I lost my voice..

Tell me why it took thinking about her when I heard this song to make me realize that I may be a bit emotional today. I know that she is and I want to — make her smile.

It’s about that time.. when my dog wants me to come to bed.

I never meant to start a war

• by admin • In Blues, Music, Pop •   0

Skipping work to sleep all day sounds extremely expensive at this point in time. It’s complicated corporate bullshit since tomorrow is.. was a paid holiday. Whatever, health is important and I never miss work. The playlist that has worked itself into my day is quite repetitive.

The first time that I heard this song, I thought about her and it hit pretty hard. Back then – things were much different. I understood a lot less but still felt.. something was happening.

I had searched my last name and Slovania trying to get that former president’s name. It was when I was adding my dad and little brother on skype. Then I was curious enough to search my last name to see what other family members had skype accounts. I was suddenly reminded that the internet is not only nation wide and suddenly my name looked pretty normal next to theirs. I forgot what that lady’s name was so I searched that and found a hilarious parody of “Wrecking Ball.”

From there it was all down hill. My friend was here. She put up with me listening to this song next. We were discussing how we felt about these young ladies getting so naked so casually in music videos. Don’t get me wrong, I am as guilty as every other American enjoying these videos.. but I hate that I do. Out of curiosity, I had to research when that was and sources say August 2013, which was a confusing time for this lady. I’m adaptable. Now I expect it..

The youtube must have sensed my mood because after I listened to that song tonight, this popped up.

It was like it was reading my mind. Damn computer – quit reminding me how predictable I am. At least I have dealt with situations better this time. I don’t think that I have ever been able to consider anyone else’s feelings before. I am always reminded of simple text messages that put me back in my place. I never wanted to hurt her, at all.

In other news, I told my friend that I was over here about my brother’s snake bite situation 11 years ago. She teared up and felt it was Oprah worthy. I’d rather believe that anyone would help a family member the same. I wasn’t really the one helping but more of my grandmother. It was a bad day.. or while I guess you would say.

You said that you could let it go

• by admin • In Music, Pop •   0

Oh tonight is rough and this song has always gotten to me pretty well.

Despite everything falling to pieces around me as I tried to solve the puzzle.. she makes me feel incredibly special. The verse by Kimbra really affects me deeply because.. I wasn’t the best girlfriend with T. I had a lot of anxiety problems and freaked out often at things like her staying out late with guys. Maybe if she actually listened to me like M listens to him, I wouldn’t be single at this time.

It hurts because I blame myself for that. For most things really. Now I just want to calm the hell down so that I can hang out with my favorite people without making their boyfriends mad or sad or whatever boyfriends do. I don’t know much about those things.