2008

Bring you comics in bed

• by admin • In Country pop, Dreams, Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop •   0

There is this dream that I had – it must have been weeks ago. I know that I wrote about it but I won’t link back to it at the moment. The way the dream starts seems to vary because I remember multiple beginnings but in the end I am always at her house.

There’s a part that is becoming more prominent that wasn’t in the first dreams. While we are sitting on the couch right as I get there – the couch is back against the wall that would lead to the kitchen. I have never been there but I have been in the house before so that leads to a whole new level of confusion for my little brain.

As I am sitting on the couch, I look up and concentrate on the beams above me and then look over at the wood burning stove, almost as a way to remind me that this is something very familiar and not to be nervous or afraid as I feel myself – questioning my decision. She seems to be out of the room in those seconds – as I don’t seem to feel the same way when she is near, only in those silent moments in between.

There was a point in time that she would come and go in my life every so often and every time I had managed to grab her attention – in those moments before seeing her, I would be more than nervous. One of my friends, Crys, was over quite often at the time and she would always have a great way of asking me what I was worried about and reminding me – that that something. It reminds me of those moments.

The main point of all of these words is that in my dream, we hang out in the living room for a while. In my dream last night, she turned to me and kissed me somewhat out of nowhere. I feel like I would have noticed if that had happened before. This time she looked at me and smiled. She said, “I know that you think this is a bad idea, but will you come lay down with me.” Her facial expression said a lot more than her words did. I couldn’t help but smile because it was one of the sweetest things I had seen.

I followed her into the dark where there was a TV lighting up the room. He was there, slightly propped up in the back corner of the room on the bed. Watching the TV which was near or in the closet. She laid down, with a good human’s width between them and then I laid down on the edge on her shoulder and she was on her back. From that point it is always the same. She touches me softly and I can’t stop attempting to control my heart rate because I know that she can feel it against her. It may just be getting more detailed each time. The first dream was so fast I nearly had to put a few pieces together.

Maybe – I should just stop thinking about how much I want to fall asleep in her arms every night and maybe then I won’t have such weird dreams.

If it makes you happy
Beautiful Dream

Can the child within my heart rise above?

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Music •   0

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
‘Til the landslide brought it down

I’m so quick to tell her everything. I hope that she doesn’t hold it against me. Her roommate posted that they were all going to see Smashing Pumpkins on a mutual friend’s FB.  I am constantly reminded of high school and the challenges that it brought to my life.  I would like to think that I am long past that, since I graduated 15 years ago, but I felt myself exploring some deep places in my heart and soul last night.  In the end, I felt ashamed to be who I am and completed defeated, so I was painfully reminded that the pain from the past isn’t really gone.  This is pain that was caused by my peers, completely separate from the difficulties I faced at home.  I hope that one day, people like me will be able to live outside of this.

Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

On my way to work this morning, the original version, by Stevie Nix played on the radio. It’s about a 5 minute drive to work, so any great song playing during this time really makes my day.  It took me to a place that I really didn’t need to be as I walked into work. I think that I fought back a few tears, wished that she could see past the surface and hoped for the best.  I know that she has a deep rooted soul and I ‘hope and pray’ that she understands my deep connection and I don’t look like the standard maniac.. I feel guilty so often, but other times I just feel extremely dedicated and trusting.  I’ve been lectured by about everyone that knows.  My girlfriend even makes fun of me for certain things, often.

I met her just after she left the state.  I tried the line, “I am in love with someone else..” and I even said something like, “I am sad because my girlfriend like thing moved away.”  Those conversations come up often when people want to make fun of me.  I have learned to roll with it, but what really matters, is what she thinks.

You’re so adventurous, I’m so very cautious

• by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Indie Folk, Indie Rock, Music, Neo-folk •   0

6d43953951009d57ba94751a7a07720fToday, we met at our normal halfway point. We walked for as long as we could and I tried by best not to think too much about hugging her goodbye.  As I passed my friend’s house, they returned home, so spent some time over there but that didn’t stop me from emailing her minutes after leaving her side confessing a few of my thoughts that I couldn’t express in person.

They started watching The Never Ending Story around midnight and since I knew that I had way too much thinking to do, I left and listed to my playlist on random.

This is what it thought that I should listen to:



…and that is currently how many songs it takes to walk from her house to mine..

I had a necklace in my pocket for her.. and I wanted to tell her that I loved her before she left, but I just couldn’t accept that this would be the last time that I would see her, so I couldn’t bring myself to act like it could be.

we just don’t run this place

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Music •   Comments Off on we just don’t run this place

When I took a shower, I heard two lines in two different songs that I had never heard before. That will be the last line in each of the Ani songs that I post. The Adele song separated them. All just as insightful.

The last lines seemed to hit so hard tonight.

This song has some of my favorite lines in it, one being at the 2 minute mark. Music gets me though me day.

And all that hurtin’ was more than worth it

• by admin • In Country •   0

This morning started with the worst physical pain, but eventually I pulled myself out of bed with enough time to get ready, buy drinks for work from the gas station and log into my computer on time.  My manager asked me how I was feeling, she seemed concerned and I felt like everyone was talking to me like I was a delicate egg about to crack.  I wondered what people noticed when I ran out yesterday before lunch.  It’s not like my manager doesn’t know that I am sensitive.  She has called me that before.. I always took offense to the word until I heard her refer to her dad as being a sensitive artist, ever since then, I have worn the adjective with pride.  Sensitive is not what you want to be when someone kindly explains to you that things just can’t be.

It’s not hard to see that she did it for me.  What’s hard to grasp is why it has to be that way.  I’ve always been great at living in an alternate universe, denying reality, and I was pretty good at it.  In the 15 years that I have know wholeheartedly that I was a lesbian, not once did I ever consider dating a woman that had a boyfriend.  When I thought I was being really “Progressive” I would act like I was going to mess around with a girl that had a boyfriend, just trying to act tough, but I never actually went through with it, until it was accidental.

She had all my respect from day one, before I even knew her story, before I ever felt her love.  I never wanted to pry or to get into her business.  There’s been insecurity and jealousy issues in my past.  Since I didn’t even feel I needed to ask her age or sexual orientation, you can imagine, “Are you in a relationship?”  never came up.  Today in the car on the way back to work from my lunch break, a George Strait song, “She’ll Leave You With A Smile,”  came on the radio, listening to it had never felt the way it did today.  For lyrics and the song click the respective links.  There was only that one line at the end that really hurt reminding me of the reality.. but it was completely accurate.. it was all worth it.  It hurts like hell, but I know she’s trying to make it simpler on all of us, even though I would prefer the more difficult past.  Not all people are as masochistic.  I would face the pain of being away from here every day if she’d let me.  The disappointment would fade eventually when she would tell me that she couldn’t stay or blow me off.

My friends seem to appreciate her decision to cut me off.  Something I don’t agree with at all, but once again, who am I to judge.  This is all too familiar.  I have already felt like this before.  With some help I was strong enough to let her walk away, because things just couldn’t happen that way.  Last night was the first time I took my new medicine.  I really hope that it doesn’t make me feel so sick again.  She said that it would take three weeks.  There’s a part of me that feels like I am giving in and taking medicine that I don’t want to be taking.  It almost seems shameful, but then again, I just did a lot of things… that – I wouldn’t normally do.  The doctor was very convincing, they always are.  From what I remember about last time, it helped when I really needed it.  There’s a generic now so it’s affordable so.. we shall see.  Looks like I join corporate america more and more every day.

There’s something endearing to be able to look back at a total mess and know that the person you love had the best of intentions.  I’m appreciative of all of the time that I got to spend with her and I can only have faith that I will see her again.  It’s very rare that I find anyone that I feel like this about.. and every time, they seem to have a man that feels the same way about them.  It doesn’t seem to ever turn out in my favor.  Not that this kind of thing happens all of the time, but when I fell in love in 2006, by 2008 she had left me to date some guy that looked like her ex boyfriend.  Amazingly enough she was engaged to said ex boyfriend before I ever knew that she wasn’t dating girlfriend steal-er anymore.

When it’s time to talk about more tragic lesbian stories, I will have to talk about how I got to find out about such said engagement.  The feeling that I experience that day in front of her unknowing sister felt pretty similar to the day that I read my new love’s craigslist post 6 months after meeting her, in which it explained he was in a relationship with a man for over 5 years.  It was unfortunate that I had dated her and fell so quickly for her just the 6 months prior.. It’s a sickening feeling for a dedicated lesbian that can hardly imagine straight sex.. honestly.  But she meant to much to me, I tried to get over that, though it appears that I drove her off because I just don’t know how to be friends with benefits.. I am more of a lover with feelings kind of lady.  Who knew it could make life so difficult at times.