Its been a year since grandma had her first TIA, mini stroke. She can’t walk anymore or even stand up on her own to get in the wheel chair, I helped with her on Tuesday while my aunt was on vacation and I just kept breaking down into tears the whole time. I had been having trouble eating for a few days so I was really weak and could barely lift her with my other aunt. I just couldn’t believe how much changed in a year.
Tonight, my brother and I rode in the old bus in a Christmas parade with our dad. We weren’t super into it but we really wanted to spend time with him while we still have the change to. It has all been so eye opening to how fragile life is and has left me in a state of anxiety that I can’t even explain. I lost my friend suddenly to heart failure on October 22 and then they put grandma on hospice on October 25. She is still alive and they do not say she is dying but I can’t understand why she can’t talk anymore or even really move her arms and legs. I guess that’s what strokes do but it has been so very hard, I cry every day.
My former brother in law and neices’ father tragically took his life on Nov 16 and I have not really been able to come to terms with that one year.
That leaves me with the last concern that I am afraid to even write about. It had been months and then finally I had heard something promising and then nothing. If I wasn’t close enough to check on her nearly daily, I would be struggling even more. I hope that it doesn’t bother her that I just need to see her car continue to move and on my hardest days I make sure I am even more accurate than that. So I will just keep dreaming as hard as I can and sending my unwaivering support over the breeze.
I have been struggling so terribly emotionally but she did send me a picture the day after she said something to me and it has been helping me push though, oh how I love when she sends me pictures.
Her friend tried to video call me on fb while I was working, so I messaged her back to see what was going on. She was at the river killing time in town and needed to find somewhere to be for a few more hours as her house sold. I had only met her once, probably in 2014 – which was a night I will always remember, because it was the first time that I was introduced to any of her friends. Well I told her that she as welcome to come over, that my lunch break was about to start but after that hour I would be working again but she was welcome to hang out as long as she wanted. I didn’t want to turn her friend away. I thought she must be desperate if she was asking me. After she left, I had a smile on my face and in my heart. A few things arose in conversation, though I tried to stay away from the subject – of course I listened anyway.
I was left with a few questions that I either answered my self or don’t really need to ask.
Why did she say she was a lesbian? I mean, I know she is but how does her straight friend know so confidently? This was an unprompted comment that was in response to her frustration that she was back with the boy.
How was he raised, what did that even mean, what is weird about him?
The only question that I asked seemed completely appropriate and that was asking if he was dangerous or violent. She laughed and did not think that he was.
When she said that he was leaving soon to go to some music festival, I wanted to ask more – but all I really had to do was go to sleep and when I woke up I knew that it was the Chicago Riot Fest without any question about it.
I also grew suspicious about how strategic the seeds were that her friend had planted. It wasn’t a bad thing but I kept replaying the conversations over in my head. It didn’t all come up at once and she certainly was not the topic of conversation at all but it seemed that every time we went out to the backyard for her to smoke a cigarettes, she would get to thinking and say something in a venting way – I tried to just listen but she was talking about the love of my life and giving me inside info – on purpose or on accident, I wasn’t going to pry but I also wasn’t going to stop her. I trusted her to be a good friend to my future lady and over all I think her intentions were pure.
I tried not to react when his name came up. I tried to keep all of my options to myself and I think that I did a pretty good job. She kept talking about her current boyfriend or someone that she is in love with. I felt lead to open up but I resisted. One of the last things I said to her, which seemed like a funny ‘joke’ at the time and related to what she was saying about the guy – well I decided to say, “So are you saying that I should tell M that I am in love with her.” She laughed and said, “I think she already knows.”
I repeated: “I think everyone knows..” and that’s about where it ended.
When I was trying to avoid messaging her so much when she was having some radio silence, I tried to meet new friends online because I thought I would feel less alone. I talked to 2 people for a little while, one about 3D printing and art stuff and the other – about pets and things I guess – kind of nothing. It certainly didn’t fill any holes and I guess life doesn’t work like that. I’ve kind of already stopped talking to them just because I don’t even know what to say and even though I felt like my profile was pretty clear that I was only interested in friends and I never once even thought about the conversations as anything else – I purposely only messaged women I was not attracted to – then again, I can’t say that I can think of any women I am attracted to but her – it’s weird but I just have no interest. Well the reason for writing whatever I am writing here is that after Maddison joked asking how M felt about me talking to these women, I replied with something bitter like, “I don’t know she won’t talk to me.” After the shocked reactions that uncomfortably lasted for what felt like over 5 minutes, I followed up with, “and probably nothing because I would like to think she trusts me completely. That night Maddison didn’t even say anything mean because she was so shocked that M wasn’t talking to me. I kept most all of the details to myself because I don’t think it is anyone else’s business but once in a while my heart slips out and spills all over the place. This site is a 7 year running example of that.
I probably don’t tell her anything about the times it has happened before, I usually keep that to myself but this time everyone noticed the way I was acting but I really just felt like I wanted to be alone. Everyone was complaining that I was difficult to be around and well – my response was – then go away. That never happened and the complaints stopped so, I guess I am not an asshole anymore – that’s a nice change. Just give me time. I have a lot of work to do but I continue to try and learn every day.
There’s so much I want to say to her but I am terrified of losing touch. I have a few weeks to think of what I want to do and hopefully we can have the deepest conversation of our lives soon. I just hope that she can put her trust in me.
I’ve been having a really hard time lately. Its just been constant anxiety but I get through. Today, I found out that my mom is in jail again for ‘simple assault’ for the 3rd fucking time. I know that is not good but I can only hope that she gets the help that she needs.
On a completely unrelated note, my brother was singing to this song today and I fell in love with it. Now I am back to what I would consider imaginary issues that are nearly non existent at this point.
Now he is playing a song that I have seen send people into a PTSD breakdown.
Since I fear death for everyone around me so badly lately, just hearing him sing it brings tears to my eyes and a deep pain in my heart. My mother has suffered from alcoholism my entire life and all of my siblings have suffered from it in one way or another. I may not have a problem with drinking too much but I do have deep seeded issues with alcoholics.
His play list is getting to sad for me and leaving me crying… The only songs that I know that hurt more are in my brother’s memorial video. I can never hear those songs without difficulty.
There was a time that I composed lengthy emails to M and I truly believed that they went unread. She has this sweet way of letting me know that is not the case. You would think that after the same thing happened time and time again, it would get easier. It doesn’t. It actually gets more frustrating every time that it happens. I cannot count the number of times that I have had to think, “I thought that we were over this” to myself.
On this Monday in history, I was lucky enough to combine the disaster that is my personal life with what was supposed to be a great day at work. When I am upset, there is no hiding it. I don’t mask my emotions well and every facial expression that I give will remind someone that I am not happy.
The gist of the situation was that just like with M, I met a new friend, I thought she was super cool and fun and faster than before – her jealous boyfriend put a stop to that. It’s the longest non story that could ever exist. The complexity of each situation makes it near impossible to explain why I take it so personally. My ethics — well — no one gives a shit that I am a good person, not to mention that I am far to shy to make the first move with anyone ever.
One of my friends that was trying to make me feel better about everything made me laugh by saying, “If any of these men knew just how innocent you were, none of them would even have a problem with any of it.”
I take it completely personally because I feel like once that they find out that I am a lesbian – it’s over. I had no idea that being a single lesbian was so difficult. Maybe it would be different if I had ever tried to “take someone’s girlfriend” or well done anything else wrong. I still can’t keep up with how I am supposed to know when some guys think its okay when their girlfriends mess around with other girls and others seem to have completely different ideas. I never understood that at all. The fact that I would have a near heart attack just imagining my lady with someone else keeps me from actually ever crossing that line. Life is so complicated and I am so lost. I would rather just never flirt with another girl again just to be able to have true, quality friends.
What hurts most is when you realize that your friends didn’t stand up for you to your boyfriend – I guess it’s just easier to let me take all of the blame since I am not there. It sure makes me look like a terrible person, but why would I care if I know the truth? This is still bullshit and I expected more out of each of them.
It’s hard to tell if this is really the best pizza that I have ever had or if it’s just because she made it. When I called in my order, I spoke to a guy, and as I hung up, I wondered, “Will she notice my pizza?” I know that I am such a nerd. My heart may have melted a little when she told me that she thought she recognized that pizza. I am pretty predictable… Actually, I had been fighting the temptation since my last pizza, on my birthday which was over a month ago – so I would say that I am doing well.
When I got in the car to go home, this song echoed through my heart.
I can’t say that I knew who Bette Davis was. Actually, I was thinking about Betty Page but none the less.. I liked it. I couldn’t have asked for a better lunch break, and she even said something that assured me that she does read my emails, even if she doesn’t reply. Oh, I love that about her..
Let it be on record that I have never put myself out there so much i my life. So far, nothing too terrible has happened. She said yes… when I asked her to go to the movies. It doesn’t take much to turn my boring day around.
Today when I was adventuring off to find life, these songs made their way to my ears and heart. Fuckin 99.5.
followed by,
Now I am going to get onto doing my best, “I am pretty.. but not trying too hard because I know this is not a date…” impression. Dang, I miss anyone making me feel like this, even when I have absolutly no chance.. and couldn’t care less. She knows me.
