2004

Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think

• by admin • In Country, Music •   Comments Off on Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think

The other day when I was driving in the car and flipping through radio stations, I came across “Don’t Blink” right when it started. I listed to the whole song and cried quietly the entire time. Having an 88 year old grandmother during a pandemic has caused me a great deal of fear and stress. I have only seen her once – and that was mainly because I was needed for her mental health reasons – it is really hard for her to stay alone.

I have been trying to concentrate on taking my medicine daily. Once I went to work from home in mid March, my entire routine was thrown off. I no longer got ready for work – I just rolled out of bed. When I started to panic about her working with him again and being quarantined with him and just everything with him and nothing with me – I started to get really worried, jealous – I don’t even know what but I seem to be back to my ‘loving – I don’t care about any of the details as long as she is living the life that she wants to’ self.

Basically, why I mentioned this song, “Don’t Blink” is because it made me cry when I was driving. I rarely listen to an entire new song – things really have to grow on me, but it was reminding me of what I already knew. We had already been discussing how my niece, who was 1 when we met, is a whole ass kid at this point with a 5 year old little brother. It only added to the perspective.

When I found out that there was a cave less than 100 miles away that people got married in, first I joked to the original poster that I was going to get married in her cave and then I ran off to my love to tell her all about it. She responded perfectly, and I like to think that she knows exactly what I am shyly hinting at. Next month will be 7 years since I met her and though I know that it is insane by today’s standards, I really do want to ask her to marry me. I don’t think that either of us really live by anyone’s standards and you can say that we dance to the beat of a different drum, but I sure wish that I could pull off meeting her in the exact spot that we met 7 years ago – I would walk there all dressed up – hopefully she would show up unsuspecting, but I am.. predictable to say the least. I have never even thought about proposing to anyone before. I grew up knowing that marriage was not for me and it would never happen so don’t glorify it.

My mom left when I was 2 – that is many years of watching my father struggle and hearing that you can’t depend on anyone but yourself. He was broken and couldn’t even consider dating or trying again. With that said, I grew up with a very young father that had little to no money. By at least 5 years old, I knew that no one had any extra money to give me for any reason – so don’t even think about asking.

In high school, my friends started fantasizing about their weddings, telling me all about where they were going to get married and what they were going to wear. These were all teenage girls that had no serious boyfriends but they knew that they were getting married one day and no better day than 14 years old to start planning it. At the time, I was realizing that not only was I poor but I was also gay – now I would never have money for a wedding nor was it even legal. I knew what a civil union was, this was the late 90s – but I also knew that I would never have any support from anyone.

So basically, I stopped thinking about it. I was actually already in love with this lady once it started becoming legal.

Well – there were a few states long ago. I remember hearing about Virginia on the radio when I was in the car as a kid, but that may have been the start of civil unions. When I saw that Colorado had legalized gay marriage, which it an awful phrase but it gets my point across – I texted her immediately. She told me something like ‘they know whats up in CO.’

At this point gay marriage and marijuana was legal in CO, I don’t think that many could disagree with whatever her statement was. Now it is still legal, even after Trump has ripped apart the nation, so I better jump on it. I can’t say that I don’t think of how I would ask her to marry me way more often that I would expect and it scares the shit out of me every time, but I think that is how it is supposed to go and we should probably go somewhere amazing to do it – not the side of the road but sometimes you have to work with what is possible. The dang Alanis Morisette concert was the day before that day so I thought it was guaranteed that I would spend it with her but those plans got jumbled to say the least.

Oh yes, and last night I had this dream that was replaying a moment from the past where I reached down to grab her hands and she interlaced her fingers in both my hands and – well – I must say, it’s what my dreams are made of.

Here are some sad country songs –

And I won’t put my hands up and surrender

• by admin • In Folk, Music, Pop •   0

Today, throughout our daily texts, I told her that I wanted to rewrite history casually, but told her I would explain later. What I didn’t say, is that right after I sent this email that I am about to post from 6 years ago, I then proceeded to go back to the craigslist ad that had made my heart skip a beat just minutes prior when I saw my future’s photo pop back up on my screen.

This email would haunt me for years to come. It would be the concrete item that tied back to that moment of – well I will not define that emotion right now but what happened next was not what I expected. It’s something that lead to a lot of personal grown ultimately, but at the time it felt like a ton of bricks knocking the wind out of me. As I meteorically stood there thing to catch my breath it suddenly occurred to me, if she did in fact care about me the way I truly believed and still believe that she cares about me – then my first email will probably feel about the same when she reads it.

I have never felt worse about such an innocent email but I learned not to reply to things before I actually read them no matter what it could say. There is no need to reference what the post said because I am afraid that I won’t forget it and I am sure she can remember the direction or at least the lines that she might have preferred for me not to stumble upon.

It don’t really bother me much now because, well it became my reality but at the time, I haven’t a clue.. at all – and it only lead to other discoveries. It wasn’t long ago that I decided to figure out what day it was I zoomed in on the Planet K app and saw a familiar name accidentally, shockingly but accidentally all the same. That was February 13th, so it took about 2 months to figure out who.. which didn’t make the world any easier.

Now I will back track and tell you why I was at home mid day on a work day reading w4w craigslist ads.

There was a point in my life when I was afraid and I just wanted to erase it all. For some reason, I feel like the way to do that is to get in ridiculously irresponsible situations that will always lead to disappoint. usually it involved a cute, straight girl, but I have no idea why I think that is safe. You never take it seriously, because you know that it is not real. They feel the same way and usually have a boyfriend. In this case, her boyfriend knows and claims to be fine with us spending time together. She had a few kids and she worked with me. On this day, she decided to tell me that she needs to choose her boyfriend and we need to stop hanging out. I was irritated more than anything. This was actually the first in a series of events that I could not see coming. I am glad I decided to attempt this with women that I was not specifically emotionally attached to because it was about to escalate quickly. I still thought I was quite attractive and a catch back 6 years ago – so I decided to leave work upset and quickly ended up online ‘to find someone better to distract myself with.’

Within minute I was completely distracted but I don’t think that it was the direction that I was expecting. It was by a woman.. a very attractive one.. but not a stranger. When I clicked on her post, I was filled with excitement. It included 3 photos of her and before I so much as read the first sentence – I responded with the above email as if it was an accident that we lost touch. I was head over heels for her and everything seemed wonderful – until it didn’t. This would have been several months later but apparently I hadn’t a clue for that long. The farther I read, the worse it got. That’s about the moment that I got offended but it wasn’t personal. I don’t know what it was. Possibly political. For the first time, I felt discriminated against because I was a lesbian.. just like all the bisexual women usually talk about. I am not even sure what I was thinking at that point but I know that I wanted to know why I was not good enough.

I refuse to look at many past emails because I only embarrass myself but I know that I must have read that post more than 100 times. It hurt. I was mad. I didn’t even know what I was mad about and we never really talked about it – but I always felt guilty about the way she must have felt after she read it, knowing what I was about to walk into.

White Flag (2004)

I know you didn’t bring me out here to drown

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Country, Pop Rock, Post-Grunge, Soft Rock •   0

I’ve been having a really hard time lately. Its just been constant anxiety but I get through.  Today, I found out that my mom is in jail again for ‘simple assault’ for the 3rd fucking time.  I know that is not good but I can only hope that she gets the help that she needs.

On a completely unrelated note, my brother was singing to this song today and I fell in love with it.  Now I am back to what I would consider imaginary issues that are nearly non existent at this point.

Now he is playing a song that I have seen send people into a PTSD breakdown.

Since I fear death for everyone around me so badly lately, just hearing him sing it brings tears to my eyes and a deep pain in my heart.  My mother has suffered from alcoholism my entire life and all of my siblings have suffered from it in one way or another.  I may not have a problem with drinking too much but I do have deep seeded issues with alcoholics.

His play list is getting to sad for me and leaving me crying… The only songs that I know that hurt more are in my brother’s memorial video. I can never hear those songs without difficulty.