2003
Before I even realize the ride I’m on, baby, I’m long gone
I want to learn to play the guitar so that I can sing her 90s country songs – how hard can that be?
I’m not really sure when it was but the last time time that this next song crossed my radio, I started to cry slightly and then I messed her about it.
I ain’t afraid of ever losing faith in you
On his birthday, she read my good morning message and then took a phone break for the rest of the day which left me alone to think and worry about how romantic their day might be. I didn’t so much mind her not talking to me – I am not like that, I just get so insecure when I know that she is spending his birthday with him with her phone off and I can’t even see her for five minutes. It just hurts and makes me feel really unimportant in her life. I know that will fade as soon as she starts being sweet to me, but which she is distant, it lingers over my head and makes me feel like she doesn’t take me seriously.
I have to say that the isolation that this year has not made it any easier.
On Friday, I hope that she was having fun – even with him… It just broke my heart to consider that they would be having a romantic evening alone.
I truly believe they are not in a relationship anymore and it’s not like that but the fear seems to still be very real. I just want to be important to her.
I will go down with this ship
The last week and a half has been incredibly frusterating for me. After my car broke down late at night, with help from my dad, I had it towed to my house. After 2 people have messed with in for over 4 days off and on, I am back to waiting until the weekend for the hope that something will go right. Sometimes I feel like I am going to be looking for a new car soon – and I have that feeling.
I have been fortunate to have plenty of people willing to help me get back and forth to work. With my job, I am completely prepared to work from home at any given moment. Just a few days ago, I picked up four hours that I was able to work from home to cover for another employee. Where that becomes a bad thing is when my car is broken, I am struggling so get up the courage to ask my boss if I can work from home for a few days and he declines.. because he doesn’t want people to take advantage of it. He knows damn well my car is very broken – so that translates to that he has no control of the team, to me.
I had a performance review with said boss today and he had nothing but positive and kind feedback. He paused to try to come up with something that needed improving and laughed his way out of the fact that he had none. He told me that I was up for a promotion but that we didn’t get the raises until September. I will almost feel bad if I am the only one that gets promoted out of the 3 of us in the position but I guess that’s what it’s like when you are working on such a small team.
As I floated my way through my day dream – I joked with myself on the way to a bathroom break later in the day; “Now if my future-girlfriend would just promote me.” I can’t imagine that she would know that I call her that but it’s been going on for way longer than I would be willing to admit. Calling her my ex gf would be completely confusing. I try not to even refer to her by her first name most of the time because of this one time this one thing happened. Basically, if she has ever raised her voice even the slightest when talking to me, I immediately attempted to stop doing whatever it was I was doing to cause that. Then I remind myself that life was a lot different back then but I just try to keep my excited girl self quiet HOWEVER the need to refer to my future girlfriend comes up now and then and that’s what comes out.
The first time someone hears me say it they ask questions like, “…What?!?” Then I simply give a sentence or two statement and act like it’s completely normal. Then I just accuse them of not understanding lesbians if they even think twice about it.
Later in the day, a friend called me on the phone. We talked about a site that I am working on for his job and we moved on to him offering me a place to stay if need be when the time comes. I should handle these situations better because I never do it right but somewhere in there I said that I wasn’t looking for a roommate because my girlfriend would be moving in with me at some point. It just slipped out because.. I didn’t really think that he knows much about my life and just seemed easiest but suddenly he got really excited for me and I had to explain that I had no explanation as to why I said that… but she was just still my future girlfriend. Who needs labels anyway. she knows that she is my love and I think that’s all that matters.
And when we meet
Which I’m sure we will
All that was there
Will be there still
But wouldn’t it be beautiful?
This wasn’t really a song that I was ever into. To me, the song boarder lines bubblegum pop music and I know that I am at least far too cool for that. This song came out right around the time that I graduated high school. At the time I was attending mostly metal and hard rock shows. There was no way that someone could even pay me to stand around and listen to this crap – or wear a colored t-shirt for that matter.
I have gone through my share of phases but it turns out that being a lesbian was not one of them. No one ever actually said that it was a phase for me. I am sure plenty of them hoped that it was but knew that even mentioning that would only dare me to prove them wrong.
My family has had to do a lot of adapting because of me and though they are not perfect at it, nothing bad has happened to me yet. My grandmother was terrified about what would happen when my dad found out. She actually encouraged me to move out on my own for that very reason though she never said it directly. He was a conservative republican with a lot of guns and a lesbian daughter that just didn’t talk about it. Everyone knew how much he loved me but they still weren’t sure what would happen. I can’t imagine how many years of worry I have caused several members of my family. My life has always been quite hostile or possibly more volatile.
So now that I realize nothing that I have said has anything to do with this video or why I am posting it tonight. Well, it all started when I saw that Alanis Morissette is touring with Garbage and Liz Phair this morning. I quickly messaged her and told her about it and we made plans to go see them but then I realized I really didn’t know who Liz Phair was. I thought about Lilith Fair but didn’t know if it was just because it sounded similar. I thought she was known for her feminist agenda and it turns out that she is associated with both but I could only find this one song by her. I would imagine the older ones were before my time. I was still listening to Jimmy Buffett and country music depending on which house hold I was staying in.
So I start to listen to the song and the music is like nails on a chalkboard to me but I can tolerate the lyrics, because, I too am not right at times. Here you have it, Liz Phair – some 90s singer that I should know but do not.
Why Can’t I? (2003)
If I didn’t Say It, I Still Would Have Felt It
Your friends they stand around they watch your crumble