1999

It never really mattered too much to me that they were just too damned blind to see

• by She Says • In Music, Soul music •   Comments Off on It never really mattered too much to me that they were just too damned blind to see

She sent me a selfie the other day from when she had gone to a party. She wore a necklace that I had given her so many years ago and paired it with a statement that absolutely filled my heart. I have been wildly shy since. She is far too pretty to be talking to someone like me but I will pause my life just to open doors for her. I can only hope that she is into this trade off. Wait until she finds out that I can fix her internet too. That is a big joke, I doubt my customer service skills or troubleshooting guesses can get me very far here – except that paycheck I depend so heavily on.

Once, a few years ago, my brother stopped me in the hall and asked me how I was going to ask her to move in with me if I was too shy to even talk to her. I felt it was a keen observation on his behalf and answered that I had lived with plenty of people that I didn’t talk to but that was a complete joke. I know that I will be able to get through such a ‘rough’ situation. After a week or two, I am certain that I will be able to handle being around such a pretty lady – nerds have a hard time with that.

Today, I have been trying to find ways tell her that no matter what, she will always be safe with me but I don’t really know how to put that in words in a normal way. How does one say – I do not subscribe to the societal ideal that people can kick people out of where they live.. For any reason. I think I am still a bit sad with that turn in my graphic novel. Suddenly Blue didn’t feel like the Warmest Color after all. The book was great and tugged at my heart strings in every direction. Made my life feel so much more normal for a minute until the story took a 360 and the darkest dive possible. I want to tell her that she is safe with me and that I would never let anything get between us but that doesn’t even sound believable if you have to state it. I’d like to think she already knows this but if I were her, I can’t say that I would be so sure of anyone in this world. If I need to create an ethical soundness resume, at least I have plenty of experience and references.

Here is a random, unrelated, song that I hear on 90s on 9 today. It is a blast from the past that I enjoyed hearing.

You sound so close but it feels like you’re so far

• by admin • In Country, Folk, Music, Neo-folk, Pop •   0

I flooded my house with the washing machine the other day. Since then I have been pretty tired and on the verge of tears. Visiting Grandma opened that flood gate for me. Since my car had been broken down since before the corona virus outbreak started, I hadn’t been able to go visit her. Finally they asked me to, so I took off a couple of hours from work and went to see her. I took a few pictures – just because I am so afraid of losing everything that I know and love. My life has been relatively stable lately so I don’t really know what is with the flood of emotions on top of my other massive water issues but I am so emotionally exhausted and would like someone to remind me how miserable I became when I did effectively block out most all emotions for about 5 years. Those 5 years practically vanished. I hardly have any reference points or memories at all. There may be a few small joys that come back when referenced or seen in pictures but for the most part – they are just gone.

I really never know what’s going on but ultimately trust her 100% but only trust myself about 85% – so that leads to an internal battle where I convince myself that I am wrong and that I need to just keep to myself and quit being so damn annoying – but this inner monologue is rough. I am my own worst enemy – and now I am stuck with me all alone in some quarantine bullshit while she is with dude.. most all of the time. I wish that I was secure enough for that not to bother me – but it appears that we all knew it. She probably didn’t even want me to know that she was working with him again because she knew that it would make me panic.

Taking my medicine regularly has been difficult too. I have my alarm set for 9:55 and I clock I clock in for work at 10:00 AM – this is another way that I have fucked up my life. We are going back to the office in about 3 weeks from what I understand. I suppose I should start waking up earlier seeing that I typically have a 30 minute commute.

I’m just sad and I don’t even know why but listening to this song did not help matters any.

I’m driving myself crazy and I’m making you insane

• by admin • In Blue Rock, Folk, Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Music, Soul music •   0

The song that I am adding tonight is more of a compilation of the past, not complete relevant currently but I love it so it is the night’s theme.

I would imagine I mentioned in my last entry that I got a huge splinter, passed out a few times and was taken to the hospital by a friend – in the middle of the Covid-19 shit, which I can’t even stand the word so I only type it for clarity. I had to get a tetanus shot and the spot still hurts on my arm. I guess it had been about a day and a half now but today I start getting a terrible head ache as the rain came in. I reminded myself it could be allergies, it could be pressure change – but of course IT COULD BE COVID-19!

This shit is crap because everyone is all over the place about it. My county is up to 42 cases which statistically sounds really small mathematically, but I remind myself that those are confirmed cases and everything just seemed to always be changing so I can’t even believe anything. I am just staying home and going to the grocery story every few weeks when my dad can take me. A few people have been coming over to my house, but I guess I will see how that ends up for me. Going to the hospital is the move that I would not have made if I could help if and its more than embarrassing that I went for a splinter, but I was freaking the fuck out.

The more I thought about it – this would have never happened when I was poor before I had health insurance. If my brother was home, when I passed out, he would have removed it – saving me the hospital visit, the $150 co pay and possibly any infectious diseases I could have contracted from walking through those doors. But he was not – and the person around me was not someone I need performing medical tasks on my sleeping body, so to the dirty hospital we go. It was actually completely empty. I was screened at the door. It was the fastest visit I have ever had – so around here we are actually doing pretty good compared to most people.

When checking the news, it says 4 people remain hospitalized and 10 have recovered. There were some tents set up to the side of our hospital and from what I understood from people later is that is where they had the Covid-19 patients at. The problem was that I only had ibuprofen at my house and I read some crap that it could cause complications if you were to get the virus – so just to be safe I didn’t want to take it but after my head ache was throbbing and I decided I was more likely to be having side effects to the tetanus shot than anything else, I took the medicine, talked to the woman I love and cried sweetly to her about how much extra attention I needed – and thankfully the medicine kicked in and started working because I am the worst when it comes to feeling bad. I used to get sick a lot but now that I have changed jobs, I really haven’t been sick at all. I had been working in the same building for 15 years before – there is no telling what was going on in that old moldy thing.

On to the song, an internet friend of mine, Bree, of which I met around 2004, introduced me to Doria Roberts. The song tonight comes from her album, Restoration and is the only one I have actually listened to but to my completionist partner, she will be happy to know that I listed to it from start to finish many times. And note to future self; I meant future partner – just slips sometimes. That woman I love. whatever it is that I should say.

Before the song starts, I want to say that she was more like 1000 miles away – but I survived somehow and she came back and my life is so much fuller with her in it. She is currently six blocks away in the least creepy way of saying that, which is less than half of a mile according to the internet. I just want to run to her. I haven’t seen her in so long – but I remind myself – I am lucky to have her in my life and then I continue being grateful, but today I was feeling so sick, scared and alone, it was pretty bad. She found a way to comfort me. I have never believed in metaphysics more in my life.

Basically, I hope she is my twin flame. I’m not even scared.

Doria Roberts – Nothing Sold, Nothing Bought (1999)