1997

Phew, for a minute there

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Music, Rock •   0

The woman that I love and I live blocks apart with a main road between us. I try to stay on my side.. but when I turn right to go down the hill, I often catch myself looking to the left where I can see up here hill. I actually feel some sort of guilt every time I catch myself looking in her direction – so often throughout history I have done everything possible to avoid it, but currently I don’t feel that bad and I don’t think she would mind if I looked her direction and saw what I perceive to be her car every once in a while.

Most everyone in my life knows that I am weird at this point. I have done my best to try not to share the details of my love affair with the world – and it really is no affair at all but it seems that everyone knows a little here and there and the small details that I do share usually leave me looking like a real fuck up – but… I could care less because the only opinion on the matter that I am concerned with is hers and I would like to think that I know a little bit about that by now.

Today, I came home on my lunch break which is a rarity but it seems that no one works on the Friday between Christmas and New Year’s Day so it leave the help desk a very slow and boring place, so I left. Somewhere in there I recognized that I am extremely spoiled but I moved past that quickly because it is all a matter of perspective.

On my way home, this time coming up the hill, I caught myself glancing right – only to see a van or something there. There is some sort of defense mechanism in my mind that leaves me making fun of myself – to myself but in an imaginary conversation with someone else. Today’s imaginary conversation was me telling her that someone is parked in her spot – because to me that is creepily hilarious.. but I only assume that she would laugh too. I hate when I am wrong about those things.

That conversation clearly didn’t happen because I appreciate her enjoying my company, but she is all too aware of my quirkiness. She may be the only person in the world that enjoys it – which leaves me the luckiest. She’s probably at work and I am here gushing about her on the internet to myself because that is totally normal. With all things considered, I just embrace it and in my heart, she does too.

If anyone else doesn’t like it – they can go fuck themselves. And that’s how I feel about that.

Creep (1992)

Karma Police (1997)

It was just the other day that I was thinking about how many times, I have accidentally said something just to have someone close to me look at me like – wow I had no idea you were a complete asshole. I suppose it affected me because I seem to think about it at all. I wouldn’t even try to explain myself because it is no one else’s business but I can assure the world that their original opinion of me is accurate as it just appears that way. I have my reasons and it is not what it looks like but there are levels to like that some people will never understand. Maybe I am wrong, but I feel like I do.

On a bed of nails, I’ll wait

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Music, Post-Grunge •   Comments Off on On a bed of nails, I’ll wait

As I go to type some nonsense, this song plays in the back of my mind but I can’t quite recognize it. I am not sure what I finally typed in to find it, but I am glad that I did.

You’re falling out of reach
Defying gravity, yeah

And then I took it from there –

And if I don’t make it known that
I’ve loved you all along

And since I have watched The Craft on VHS and DVD over 1,000 times, I will include this favorite.

Hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Folk, Grammy Nominee, Rock •   Comments Off on Hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell

She broke my fuckin’ heart today. on Pi Day.

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As I sit here wondering which song I should listen to first, thinking about how I should take a shower so that I can breathe normally and contemplating the desire for my brother’s company.  He hasn’t seen me yet and he doesn’t know.  It’s almost guaranteed that he will say something insensitive and just piss me off anyway, but the distraction of his constant talking will help me avoid my constant thinking.  He is right, we are good for each other.

Its my fault that I feel like this right now, she tried to give me one more peaceful day, because she just might know that practically freak out like the  guy that leaves the lights on..

The first time that I watched that video, I emailed her about it.  Why am I such a weirdo?  When I cry over her, it always feels a little more real.. well, I don’t cry over things that aren’t real.. The way that I breathe out slowly and my chest shakes a little.. it always reminds me of the way that I feel about her, maybe there is a sense of trying so hard to understand the positive.

My dog has started to whine for this cold taco that probably sucks ass at this point.  I feel like I ordered it over an hour an a half ago.  back in the past.. ast.. ast.. ast..

There I was, sitting at Torchy’s Taco’s.  They were particularly busy on this spring break night.  She replied to my casual text telling me there was something that she needed to tell me and asked if I wanted to go for a walk tomorrow.

Once we confirmed that one of my least tragic, worst fears were coming true, I tried to remain calm and not be bothered by such shocking news.  Since I have been crying for over an hour, slowly and quietly, I do not think that I am doing the best job at that.

My brother has since walked in the room and has started playing the bass behind me.  Like with everything, I will trust that this is for the best and then go forward the best that I can.  Does she know how much this is crushing me.  Is she moving back there with him?  This hurts worse than I thought it would.

When I was younger and devastated, I would listen to Sarah Mclachlan.

Her text felt something like this:

It’s just you and me on our island of hope

Outta this mess..

• by admin • In Music, Riot grrrl •   Comments Off on Outta this mess..

..baby, outta my head

I did something stupid.  It all started when I met this woman at the Ani Difranco concert, the I happened to get a bass guitar for Christmas from my brother.  Very shortly there after she was looking for people in class where she teaches a group to learn 3 songs in 6 one hour sessions.  Of course, I signed up for it without my though or research.  Here are the 3 songs that I am supposed to know how to play, by memory in less that a week.  If you’re wondering, no I don’t practice.  I have decided that these songs are so bad to start with, I can completely mess up and no one will ever know.. I don’t like any of these songs.


If you ask me, they get progressively worse in the order that I have learned them. I am using the term, ‘learn’, very loosely here. These videos are actually really odd. The first one did not seem to have an official video to it so I chose a Buffy one for her.  I want to do something like that with a song and TV show or movie one day.

Has someone taken your faith?

• by admin • In Music, Rock •   0

Let it be on record that I have never put myself out there so much i my life. So far, nothing too terrible has happened. She said yes… when I asked her to go to the movies. It doesn’t take much to turn my boring day around.

Today when I was adventuring off to find life, these songs made their way to my ears and heart. Fuckin 99.5.

followed by,

Now I am going to get onto doing my best, “I am pretty.. but not trying too hard because I know this is not a date…” impression. Dang, I miss anyone making me feel like this, even when I have absolutly no chance.. and couldn’t care less. She knows me.

just a few more..

if she only knew.