1996

I promise you I’d never give up

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop •   Comments Off on I promise you I’d never give up

That dream played over and over in my head today, even though I was quite busy, I still couldn’t shake it. When I first woke up from it, I was still pretty nervous – feeling like I just got screamed at in my face extremely aggressively but the more time passed, the more I just felt the elated emotions of her reaction.

There were moments in the day when I had the attitude of, “What the hell is he doing in my dreams? This is not how that is supposed to go.” I feel pretty stupid when I enjoy my dreams so much. There I was, in dreamland spending time with my dream lady – and there comes Mr. Ironic to fuck everything up. He isn’t quite a ‘beautiful wife’ by any means but that doesn’t mean that my heart doesn’t feel like it once in a while. Let it be known that my dream self does not plan to be submissive again. HAH okay I am joking – even if my compartmentalization game is strong, I can’t actually control my dreams or the way they leave me feeling.

This morning was actually my psych appointment. I have to go every 3 months because in early 2018. I decided to try going to MHMR since I felt the need to prove to everyone that I was trying not to be a raging asshole all of the time. Since then, my job has chanced and I escaped the abusive relationship that I ended up in so there really isn’t much left to talk about. He asks me about my dreams. I have shared themes of my reoccurring dreams with he, he confirmed they were anxiety dreams but I don’t typically share many details with him about anything. He knows that I am in love with someone that isn’t allowed to see me. On that front, he has actually been quite supportive. He has never told me that I should stay away from her or distance myself as he had about my ex and my previous job. He had wanted me to seek employment somewhere else, but I told him it simply wasn’t economical for me to do so – but then last year, they laid me off, so that took care of that problem.

Today, I told him about how the baby screaming and Shawn’s dogs whining really got to me the other day. I didn’t tell him that I took a Xanax over it and went to sleep. Those are supposed to be for emergencies – but when I was doing my best to be nice to a screaming kid that wanted the exact keyboard that I was using for more than an hour straight, I just couldn’t deal anymore.

What I want to know is why my dream self sheepishly just walked away when I was told to? Shouldn’t I be some sort of badass in my dreams? Couldn’t I have extended my overly muscely arm over and picked him up by the neck and told him, “If you fucking hurt her, I will kill you.” That’s what my dream self should do. Instead, I stood there as he screamed in my face telling me to get the hell out of his house. Once I was not frozen with fear, I started to leave, only pausing at the door to walk back and ask her is she was okay. That’s when she begged me just to go and said she would catch up with me shortly. I think one of the hardest parts about the dream is the her facial expressions that are stuck in my mind. She seemed so afraid and panicked. I just had to walk away, because I thought it was what she wanted – and it was so hard. The dream ended when I rode a silver mountain bike a few houses down to my own house.

After she said she would meet up with me soon, he added that she wouldn’t. The next moment is actually the most important part of it all because she very sternly said that she was not with him and he would not tell her what to do anymore. The strength in her voice allowed me to walk away knowing that she could emotionally handle the situation. It didn’t really make it easier, but I did walk away – because she asked me to.

If It Makes You Happy (1996)

She’s got a smile that heals me

• by admin • In Music, Pop, Rock, Soft Rock •   0

Thank you, BOB FM, for introducing me to such music right before bed.

It takes a special type of recluse to be introduced to a song that was recorded over 10 years before you were born. I suppose, that wouldn’t be common knowledge.

Today, I tried my best to tell her something really deep in my heart, as much as you can over a text type communication. There were moments after we said goodnight that I wanted to tell her, “I care about you deeply” because I just feel like there are so many emotions loaded into those words, but maybe it’s just me. It my memory is as accurate as I think it is, the first time that I told her that was right before she left to San Francisco. It meant – I loved her but feared the shear idea of such a thing. Tonight, I felt the need to say all that, but instead, I said goodnight.

Then there are the songs that I have been listening to for as long as I can remember. I have always heard the words but never understood what they could possibly mean – tonight, I realize – every pop song can’t be speaking to me – but I have decided to turn off BOB because apparently, my mind is else where.

I hate when I have to ask what the difference between creepy and romantic is and so far everyone can only tell me, it depends on if they like it. How terrifying is that when you have no idea. Luckily for me, I don’t think I was creepy but I was always afraid that pure human emotion was a thing of the past. This song has always seem somewhere in between to me.

I could leave but I won’t go

• by admin • In Alternate Metal, Grammy Nominee, Hard Rock, Heavy Metal, Music, Nu metal, Pop, Pop Rock, Progressive rock, Soft Rock •   0

This morning, as I headed to work, I wondered if her number was still the same because I plan on texting her tomorrow. It’s an important day.

I wondered how she felt about my current situation. The interruption of the work day put that though to rest.

It reminded me that life is never what it seems.

Genesis “That’s All”

Disturbed “The Sound of Silence”

Youtube decided that I needed to listen to this song:

Phil Collins “In the Air Tonight”

Genesis “Land of Confusion”

I’ve been wallowing in my own confused and insecure delusions

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As I walked into my favorite Stripes, I saw there men crowded around this awesome old black Mustang.  They were paying as I was using the ATM so I complimented them on the car. Turns out, it was the cashier’s car.. he is a nice guy, we all bonded over cars for a few minutes and it was a great moment and then I proceeded on with my day and came across this mix.

I was leaving the neighborhood as Santeria came on, and I played it way too loud and I passed her street..

And then Terrible Lie came on so I had to take a detour through the old neighborhood where we used to walk. That was be blasting 90s music from the minivan next to the elementary school today.

Then 99.5 thought that I needed a little Staind in my life after that.

Purely for camedic value, they through in Dirty Deeds..

I reached by destination by the time that Forty Six and two was ending. It felt powerful but no one would understand.

I thought I knew you…

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Music, Punk •   0

Today, on my way to work, right before I arrived, Gwen Stefani graced my speakers with a long lost song – Sunday Morning.  I jammed out as if I was still in 7th grade, though I was driving.  The first 2 CDs that I ever owned were, No Doubt’s Tragic Kingdom and Jewel’s Pieces of You.  If you remember anything about CDs or I guess any album, is that sometimes.. most of the songs suck, so I didn’t listen to the Jewel CD in full very many times, but Tragic Kingdom is one of my all time favorites.


The more that I listened to the words, the more that I knew that I had to post it here.  Eventually I started questioning a few lyrics, like.. what the hell does, “You’re trying my shoes on for a change…” mean, but I got past it and was left with a few lingering thoughts that were luckily lost until now because of the hustle and bustle at work.  The more the song plays past that line, I realize that it actually has nothing to do with how I feel but there are a few lines that leave me reflecting.

Gwen didn’t always get my feelings right but she sure does have a pretty voice and I could listen to these songs forever.  As I was making this S curve near the rail road tracks, I thought.. what if I didn’t ask to see her that day, she wouldn’t have messaged me saying that she couldn’t see to talk to me anymore, again.

It’s been over 6 months and though I am lucky enough to have forgotten how long the longest has been in the past, but if anyone is concerned about her dedication and follow through, it was quite impressive and speaks loudly for her character. I may be paranoid, but I often worry,but that gets more complicated than I can articulate.

I left work early to go get the new plates for my vehicle.  It’s probably time that I get to that.

I would listen to that album on repeat in 1996 on a Discman that my grandparents bought me.  We were so cool and could skip songs if we wanted to. The sony headphones that came with it were awful.  They were the type with the foam that I am quite sure are no longer in production.

and I’ll look out the window..

• by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Indie Rock, Music, Neo-folk •   Comments Off on and I’ll look out the window..

.. making jokes about the way things are

Can I be the first to say that I fall in love with her over and over again.  It’s been like this since the day that met her.  She wouldn’t want to know that I often refer to her as ‘the woman that I am in love with..’  The next few words is always, ‘Well, what’s the problem?”  That’s never fun to try to avoid.. time, life, people, love. you pick.  They usually laugh and ask if she has a boyfriend.  Sometimes I just say that I hope not.. I have a reputation of liking straight women.. if they only knew.. she just might love me too.

This is what YouTube did to me tonight:

And some nights I’m scared you’ll forget me again

• by admin • In Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop Rock, Punk Rock, Rock •   0

A few nights ago, I had a dream that I haven’t told anyone about. It was almost like if I just didn’t talk about it. It would just go away. Somehow that approach to things never works as well as it sounds. There is a song that hear on the radio and each time I do.. i think about the dream. This is where I must add some explanation.

From what I can remember, my dream started like a pretty standard night for me. I was pulling up to my mailbox to check the mail on the way home. This night was unlike most, because it was much colder than normal. I was wearing a heavy leather jacket and I could feel the cold on my face as I leaned over my passenger side seat, which for me is more like climbing, and reached for the mail. As I stuck my hand towards the back of the mail box to reach something that had been pushed all the way back of my mail box, I glanced up to see someone looking at me as he walked by. My immediate reaction was to ask if he needed a ride, as it was someone I recognized.. and I did. It was not something that I gave a second thought or even had a chance to consider what the next few minutes could be like. He hesitantly accepted the offer.

I pulled up a little in front of my mail boxes and he got in my car and pointed in the direction that he was going. I nodded and turned the radio back up slightly. It felt like forever and I was burning up in my jacket. The drive felt pretty real as I acted as if I was following his directions.. but I knew exactly where he lived. I never said a word, tried my hardest to keep a straight face as I drove. Most of the time I used the cold and the exaggeration of how cold it was to mask my facial expressions. I wasn’t sure what he would see, but I knew that it would be something.

This was fresh on my mind today as I drove to the store to get dinner. The Sublime song came on again and I just drifted off into thinking about that dream, my thoughts and how I felt. My heart races, I was so nervous, and of what. There were moments when I thought that this is how people get murdered.. Then I realized that he probably had no clue at all. What surprised me the most – is that the emotions that I was trying so hard to hide were shame and guilt. What would have I said if I would have said something? As I pulled up to the store, I thought about a lot of things.

When I went inside… I could have sworn that I saw her. There in line – checking out. My heart stopped and I froze. I was never quite sure but I walked away… What would I say to her?

I have felt like crying for weeks. This isn’t helping any. In a few weeks I will be turning 31 and I have never felt older. My youngest brother would be turning 26 this year. He hasn’t even been gone but a few months and everything has started to fall apart. I often wonder what he would think if he could see us right now.. He would say.. ‘Damn, they really did care about me.’ It all has made me sick.

and for the song that wouldn’t stay out of my dreams and keeps taking me back to them…

In watching both videos, I am quite sure that I did not mention how the dream ended. I pulled up to her house, parked where I normally would and glanced at him as he thanked me. I was just trying my best at this point at hiding my feelings of despair, defeat and some things that I’m just not used to. I drove away, trying not to cry, as I had many times before.

Updated: Match 2018 -Image and tags

I’m Not The Kind Of Girl You’d Bring Home

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Blue-Eyed Soul, Country, Folk, Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Pop •   0

Today, as I drove home from work on my lunch break, the radio took me back… the first song is one that I have always loved… Here’s a little Sheryl Crow.

If I thought that I was going to escape that thought process quickly.. I was wrong. I may have woken up thinking about her… but it wasn’t going to end there. The next song that came on was a song that I started dreading about a year ago, when I actually had heard the words. I feel like it was about this time last year. I know that I was headed to get my hair cut and I even remember where I parked on the square to allow the song to finish before I turned off my car to get out… now I hear the words intensely, as if someone was speaking to me.. or more like.. her. It’s a good way to make me feel inadequate quickly. I am sure that it has nothing to do with what she meant the song to be about.. but it sounds quite clear to me.

Honestly, it hurts a little, every time that I hear the song..

You would think that I would stop listening to it. As I listen to it too many times and watch the words play above.. makes me realize – that we are all 3 so similar in personality, that it seems caddy but its really just this whole ball of tension that I will never be able to understand or explain. This song gets to me about as much as the Gotye song. and the last line. the last line always makes my stomach sink and picture what my own custom video would like look in that song. he would be singing the entire song. im not even phased that its a female singer – someone. i always see her face at the end, saying that all miley cirus wrecking ball style.. i should go watch that and cry.. i am so much more emotional that most people know. i feel like we all struggle with sexuality and gender in some way. i never really thought that about him but i know that growing up he was smaller than most of the guys and he’s not that tall now.. i dont know how being a guy works.. i avoid them most of the time. life has beome so complicated that i dont even know anymore. i just see patterns and try to come up with a reason. there is no reason or solution, just continue to do what youre supposed to be doing and everything will work out. it may be the biggest lie that i have ever told myself, but only time can tell.