1996

And I’ll be your cryin’ shoulder

• by She Says • In Alternative rock, Folk, Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop •   Comments Off on And I’ll be your cryin’ shoulder

As I take one day at a time, over and over again, I create mixed tapes in my head to her. I have been singing many of these songs to her long before I even knew who she was.

There was a point in time that I thought every song on this list was ridiculous, I couldn’t understand a few lines here or there. The lines that sound like exaggeration feel all too real now.

Here are the 90s pop songs playing on my radio. A few may drift from that decade and genre but they fit there to me.

This is just a darling way to bounce back from all of those emotions:

This might be the sound track to my life. I remember the moment and action that go with a few of these lines. When I just wanted her to know who I was – I started writing and never stopped.

Let me tell you about middle school dances… life was never pleasant for me but I don’t talk about that.

That’s god with a lowercase g, the concept.

We are going to continue down R&B lane for a moment so forgive me for that. I have been singing the next two songs a lot but I go got the John Michael Montgomery version as it is much easier for me to achieve. Well, I only sing it when I am alone, no one would want to hear all that.

All-4-One was one of my first CDs after Tragic Kingdom and Pieces of You, which I had received as Christmas gifts that year. My older cousin traded me a very scratched up All-4-One CD for who knows what, surely I got ripped off but that is where I first heard these two songs. That same year, a country artist covered them so I would hear the same songs in a country version on the radio with my grandparents – it was a confusing time and I didn’t understand why. (The reason was $$)

I realize that this 90s mix is quite cheesy but who could expect anything else. This is about the sentiment which is lightly scattered all over the place. Without further ado:

Oh how I loved this song as a teenager with no one to directed it to.

There are a few pop songs that I thought were so ridiculous that I couldn’t even listen to them. They fell into the Aqua – Barbie Girl category in my mind. When they grace my 90s station these days, I will admit, I listen to them and my thoughts drift – once again, the odd lyrics suddenly make a little sense. Brace yourself for bubblegum pop.

One more and I will climb out of this rabbit hole.

So I guess if I could say anything to her – it would be all of that. Another song that I have caught myself listening to when it comes on is one that I felt was the most over played song of my life:

I’ll wrap this up and get back to reality. For the next and final song in this series, it will be hard to believe that I had not heard it before a few years ago after she used ‘Round here’ in a very impactful text message. It seems as though it has been around for over 30 years so I may have just over looked it but when it comes on these days – I stop – I listen and I try my hardest to come up with a plan that will work.

Won’t you please come around 

• by She Says • In Grammy Nominee, Hip Hop •   Comments Off on Won’t you please come around 

Today, I heard this classic on the 90’s on 9 and it was just what I needed. Not my typical genre of choice but it was for the last few years of that decade. Middle school dances were will with R&B.

It reminded me of the time that I was sitting at the light by Palmer’s (was heading West for record purposes) and The Cardigan’s Lovefool came on. You can bet I raced to message her and tell her all about it.

Then maybe you would understand

• by She Says • In Alternative rock •   Comments Off on Then maybe you would understand

As I was returning from lunch yesterday, I glanced at my phone and saw a photo of herself that she had posted. Just seeing her picture made me extremely shy and smile. I put it away and continued to day dream about her. Many hours later, once home, I look at it again because I miss her so very much. I notice a fine detail and zoom in. Its a fine detail that I have caused a few emotional scenes over, so I think its something she would expect from me. My heart started racing and I had to look again – maybe a few times. Then I wrote her a quick excited message that I would later delete and then repeat a few times.

Things had felt weird in my heart but maybe it was because she was pushing through some heavy shit. My dream reminded me that I really need to watch my own excitement and consider her deepest feelings. I am working on centering my self, so that I can be the strongest person for her. I just hope that she is doing well deep in her heart, I worry so very much about that woman.

Before I even realize the ride I’m on, baby, I’m long gone

• by She Says • In Country, Music •   0

I want to learn to play the guitar so that I can sing her 90s country songs – how hard can that be?

One day she will ask me if I learned to play guitar just so I can sing her the next song. I was driving to Shreveport on my 7 hour drive somewhere in East Texas when I heard the line in this song that made me grin to myself – even though I was stuck listening to country music in the middle of no where. I love this song now.

I’m not really sure when it was but the last time time that this next song crossed my radio, I started to cry slightly and then I messed her about it.

So what if right now, everything’s wrong?

• by admin • In Music, Rock •   0

To think:

I woke up one morning in the beginning of August and thought about how bad tomorrow would hurt when she took a phone break for his birthday. I don’t know what day that was but I know it was in the first week of August.

Little did I know, that soon, I would start round (I have lost count) of do my best to control emotions and imagination.

Tonight I saw the uhaul in front of their house and it was so painful.

I softly through two of my snowflake obsidian rocks towards it but i don’t think they even made it past the street. I was hoping that she would at least see one of them while she was moving and think of me. I miss her more than I can allow myself to feel – because it is just too much.

I chose to throw those to her because I read that it’s a highly protective and grounding stone and I was hoping that it would help remove negative energy.

When I spend too long asking myself why she said she was going to move in with me and the suddenly changed her mind – I think that all of the change was too much for her right now. I think that she realizes that I will wait around for her and be there unconditionally where as if she did leave and change her mind, I am sure that it could be hard to retract that decision but I actually know nothing about their relationship because I try to avoid it at all costs.

If I worry that I will not know where she is and that scares me if she ever ends up needing me – I trust that she knows that I can figure it out if I need to. It might take me a little time but when I realized that he lived here, I wasn’t seeking it out – at all, but it fell in my lap – and I told her immediately, by email. Well – that was many years ago and now she is moving away on his birthday, symbolism that i can not stand.

I really struggle with math that doesn’t add up ..

Reason will not lead to solution

• by admin • In Music, Pop •   0

When this song was popular, it was nearly as popular as the macarena. Its weird to think of a generation that didn’t have to skate to that. I promise not to post Wanna Be by the Spice Girls but I will throw in one more from that era.

I was sitting at the light by Palmer’s when this song came on – I was just a few lines in before I was disappointed in how much I was enjoying it

I was watching The Craft way too much this year. Avoiding both of those songs like the plague. It will be a few more years before I actually kiss a girl – but it’s steadily approaching. Does this sound like middle school dances to everyone?

I promised you I’d never give up

• by admin • In Alternative, Grammy Nominee, Music •   0

You get down, real low down
You listen to Coltrane, derail your own train
Well, who hasn’t been there before?
I come ’round, around the hard way
Bring you comics in bed, scrape the mold off the bread
And serve you French toast again
Well, okay, I still get stoned
I’m not the kind of girl you’d take home

Sheryl Crow

I nearly feel guilty for feeling some songs – but I felt it hard.

I hate when I get lost in songs like this. As I left work, it was playing. Of course, I had to roll down my windows and scream it to myself – it makes me feel better – about doing nothing. I know that she wants me and she even confirms everything that I want to hear but I just feel like I can not complete the puzzle and I do not know what to do.

Some nights, its harder than others. But when I feel like this, I feel like I act like this every damn night.

This is it, boys, this is war, what are we waiting for?
Why don’t we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype
Save that for the black and white
I try twice as hard, and I’m half as liked
But here they come again to jack my style

Fun.

And some nights, I’m scared you’ll forget me again

Sometimes the words between the lines scream out at me. That’s when I ask myself what the fuck is wrong with me. How many patterns can you recognize and disregard before you realize that you aren’t quick or smart – possibly closer to fucking stupid but that is an argument with myself that I hope I never have to truly have.

Current political issues have me fearing the future. As Texas makes abortion less accessible – I fear what next. When “If These Walls Could Talk” came out on HBO, I watched them. The look into the history of abortion terrified me but I didn’t think that it applied to my life at all. Its been over a decade since I have watched either but I know every critical scene because they all got through to me. Now that I have experienced life for about 20 years or more since each, I realize how much the right to an abortion is critical and could affect my life drastically if the circumstances were grossly aligned.

The second one has always been deeply rooted in my heart. I was about 16 or 17 years old when I realized why having a marriage license was so important and at the time there was no hope it sight. I never even fathomed the idea that I may have the possibility to get married in America. Eventually I knew a few counties that I could but that would never help me here. Since then, I have met the one and that was before it was even legal. I celebrated her home state allowing same sexed married months or years after we met. After it was federally legal, my mind tended to drift. It’s kind of cool to have never really believed I would marry anyone but one person, as before her – I never knew it could happen. Enough about the gays, we all know about that and today its more about Demi Moore and 1952.

All those thoughts made me connect each song to each other. When the song below plays, I have equal and different emotions in the same direction as the last, I should probably go to sleep soon, she might miss me in our dreams.

He says I know you have to go
You have gone before
We are fighting on two different fronts
Of the same war
But no matter what else
I will do
I will wait for you

Ani DiFranco

My boxer neighbor was over tonight and saw me writing, she asked about the site. She was so impressed, and said things that really made me feel better about my situation. Sometimes I think I vent to her and just tell her how hard it can be and she really can only listen because she has no personal experiences like that and is so sheltered its nearly an innocent opinion.

People act like caring about someone makes you crazy and sometime that can really hurt.

Here is a song that graced my screen today, its a song that goes so far back in my little heart but it never meant this before. This feeling gets stronger every time i hear it as many months usually pass first. Most sound minded lesbians avoud Sarah McLachlan at all cost, Plus we all see those poor pups on TV at the mention of her name.

‘Hold on, for this is going to hurt like hell’
its actually:

I have seen this movie and this combination hurt before I ever hurt play. Sometimes – I feel like I am stuck in a movie.

It’s 1:11 am, do I get to make a wish? I’ll make half of one – that important half.