doday, 101 X reminded me that Johnny Cash could put Trent Reznor in his place any day. This is only a compliment, I love Nine Inch Nails and I have a lot of respect for it all, when I was in high school, I didn’t understand and I was offended that a country singer would attempt a Nine Inch Nails song. A decade later, I hear it on the radio and it says something new that I have never heard before. I never thought that I would be the liar.
I must just be emotional today because the next song was Oasis’s Champagne Supernova which is another song that I have hear thousands of times, but it also seemed to send a message. Every day I feel like I learn something new about emotions. I wonder if I will ever understand.
Back in high school, I wasn’t really aware that Johnny Cash was a bad ass. I grew up in the country and despised much of the culture. It didn’t help that society had perpetuated that.
The thing about keeping great records, digital ones at that, is that it is easy to cross reference them when needed. Today marks 2 years since a difficult day in my life. That day happens to be the day that I started this site, as a way to deal with the situation. It looks like it was the next day or so that I was at work, ended up talking to someone that made me a little sad on the phone.. then my boss jumped down my throat and made me cry on a call.. That will be 2 years ago Monday. In my opinion, I handled it very well. That call was one call before my lunch, I remember it quite well. The call after that is the one that I actually started to cry during, barely, but everything had just been building up. I logged out when it was time to go to lunch, I walked right up to my boss and told her that I was going to the doctor and that I would be back the next day.
In the past, I had been on anxiety medicine, and at some time around when my middle niece was born, about 3 and a half years ago, I had stopped taking it. With everything that had transpired and how much I was reacting to everything around me, I knew that it was something that I needed in my life. In retrospect, this site serves as a record of my progress in the last 2 years. Since then, I have been promoted at work. I on my 8th training class and somehow I have gained the trust and understanding of the woman that I have fallen in love with. I feel that way anyway. It’s a huge deal to me because I tend to keep everyone in my life at a safe distance, but something tells me that she is different.. and I enjoy every minute of it.
When I was coming home from my friend’s house tonight, I drove by her old house for the first time since she had left. I just kind of turned when I really didn’t have to. My heart felt a little lighter when I saw his car in the drive way. I’m uncertain why I can’t bring myself to just ask her a few things. My imagination had been playing with combinations and statistical realities.. Most people that know me, know that I would wait 2 more years for her without thinking twice.. and hate it – I’m not sure why. Those act like I am selling myself short and that no one should wait for anyone.. Then the other reactions that I get are more sincere in my eyes, I can’t tell you how much I like it when someone reacts the opposite and confirms that it’s incredibly romantic. There’s a handful of close friends that know just how I feel. They see my face when I talk to her. My attempt to smile as she leaves. It’s nice when someone actually understands you. It seems to be so rare lately.
While stumbling around the YouTube.. I found this gem:
Nearly two decades ago, our grandparents bought my brother, cousin and I the cassette tape of our choice. My cousin has Brooks and Dunn, Brian had the tape with “Jukebox Junkie” on it.. a one hit wonder, so I would have to look that one up and I had Collin Raye “I Think About You.” The thing about cassette tapes was that, you listened to the whole thing, so I knew every song on that tape.
Today as I thought about my late little brother.. Stephen… I think that’s what people say.. I start to cry. As I type and consider my sentence structure.. I can’t help but appreciate everything that, my absolute favorite teacher, Ms. Couch taught me.. It’s been a rough few months..
I was half way through work on Friday when I read the news about Ms. Couch’s passing.. Her daughter posted a message on her facebook. I read it during my lunch break. Brian was right next to me and saw my facial expression drop and tears come to my eyes. I turned to him and told him that Ms. Couch had died. He knew her.. he knew what she meant to me.. and he is the only person that knows what a difficult life I have lived..
There has been a few women that I have opened up to in my life. Most of them, ladies that I have dated.. a select few. Months ago, I did something stupid and pissed M off. She said something mean over email that made me cry instantly. This could have been a year ago – it feels like it has been some time. I had just finished season one of “Alphas” and was quite convinced that I could has Asperger syndrome and I decided to tell her. She was quick to say something sweet, which calmed me down quickly.. but I don’t really have many people like that in my life anymore. I have found ways to push most everyone away. It scares me to notice. I isolated myself for a while after T left but I had some good friends that didn’t let that happen. There has been so many people that have helped me grow up despite my obvious challenges.
That day, that M made me cry, I messaged T and told her what was going on, generically, I respect M’s privacy and try my hardest not to talk about her. That day I told her that I thought that I might have Asperger syndrome and she calmed me down by saying sweet things too. She convinced me that I have just been dealt a very difficult hand and that I have done the best that I can do handle everything that is thrown at me. She assured me that I was a unique and strong individual that just faces many more obstacles than most. I have no idea how all of this is connected, but I know that it is.
There are three songs that I will list here. The first one is my initial inspiration for writing today. The second verse made me cry. They are all very eye opening. The second one has always made me cry. I haven’t listened to it today but for some reason I am going to make myself. That country song “Holes in the Floor of Heaven” isn’t a song that I can handle either. It’s hard to imagine that I lost my grandfather nearly half of my life ago – it reminds me about how much time does not help.. any.
The third song uses genders that are not fitting to my fantasy world – but then again – neither does anything else, so I will dream and imagine a life where I have everything that everyone else does and that is in the least selfish way possible. There is something about being hopelessly sad that makes you wish that you had a loving girlfriend to hold you and touch your hair as you cry – much like that feeling I get when I am super sick. How does one day, I just need you to be sweet to me in the most platonic way possible. I am sorry that I am in love with you. I will put it all on pause, just hold me.
the youtube reminded me of a few more videos that i had to watch. would you know that I cried like a baby the whole time. I won’t be revisiting those videos options. The last song made me smile so much when I thought about how we met on this corner outside my house because she walked over. My heart did begin to rush the minute that I saw her. We went to IHOP.. I am pretty sure that I ate stuffed french toast.. strawberry.
being in love is rough… especially when.. why is life like this?
When I listen to the last song – the pronouns start to bother me. that same feeling that I get from the last words in “Rumor Has It.”
