1995

And I’ll be your cryin’ shoulder

• by She Says • In Alternative rock, Folk, Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop •   Comments Off on And I’ll be your cryin’ shoulder

As I take one day at a time, over and over again, I create mixed tapes in my head to her. I have been singing many of these songs to her long before I even knew who she was.

There was a point in time that I thought every song on this list was ridiculous, I couldn’t understand a few lines here or there. The lines that sound like exaggeration feel all too real now.

Here are the 90s pop songs playing on my radio. A few may drift from that decade and genre but they fit there to me.

This is just a darling way to bounce back from all of those emotions:

This might be the sound track to my life. I remember the moment and action that go with a few of these lines. When I just wanted her to know who I was – I started writing and never stopped.

Let me tell you about middle school dances… life was never pleasant for me but I don’t talk about that.

That’s god with a lowercase g, the concept.

We are going to continue down R&B lane for a moment so forgive me for that. I have been singing the next two songs a lot but I go got the John Michael Montgomery version as it is much easier for me to achieve. Well, I only sing it when I am alone, no one would want to hear all that.

All-4-One was one of my first CDs after Tragic Kingdom and Pieces of You, which I had received as Christmas gifts that year. My older cousin traded me a very scratched up All-4-One CD for who knows what, surely I got ripped off but that is where I first heard these two songs. That same year, a country artist covered them so I would hear the same songs in a country version on the radio with my grandparents – it was a confusing time and I didn’t understand why. (The reason was $$)

I realize that this 90s mix is quite cheesy but who could expect anything else. This is about the sentiment which is lightly scattered all over the place. Without further ado:

Oh how I loved this song as a teenager with no one to directed it to.

There are a few pop songs that I thought were so ridiculous that I couldn’t even listen to them. They fell into the Aqua – Barbie Girl category in my mind. When they grace my 90s station these days, I will admit, I listen to them and my thoughts drift – once again, the odd lyrics suddenly make a little sense. Brace yourself for bubblegum pop.

One more and I will climb out of this rabbit hole.

So I guess if I could say anything to her – it would be all of that. Another song that I have caught myself listening to when it comes on is one that I felt was the most over played song of my life:

I’ll wrap this up and get back to reality. For the next and final song in this series, it will be hard to believe that I had not heard it before a few years ago after she used ‘Round here’ in a very impactful text message. It seems as though it has been around for over 30 years so I may have just over looked it but when it comes on these days – I stop – I listen and I try my hardest to come up with a plan that will work.

Won’t you please come around

• by She Says • In Grammy Nominee, Pop, R&B •   Comments Off on Won’t you please come around

‘Cause I wanna share forever with you, baby

Its been a year since grandma had her first TIA, mini stroke. She can’t walk anymore or even stand up on her own to get in the wheel chair, I helped with her on Tuesday while my aunt was on vacation and I just kept breaking down into tears the whole time. I had been having trouble eating for a few days so I was really weak and could barely lift her with my other aunt. I just couldn’t believe how much changed in a year.

Tonight, my brother and I rode in the old bus in a Christmas parade with our dad. We weren’t super into it but we really wanted to spend time with him while we still have the change to. It has all been so eye opening to how fragile life is and has left me in a state of anxiety that I can’t even explain. I lost my friend suddenly to heart failure on October 22 and then they put grandma on hospice on October 25. She is still alive and they do not say she is dying but I can’t understand why she can’t talk anymore or even really move her arms and legs. I guess that’s what strokes do but it has been so very hard, I cry every day.

My former brother in law and neices’ father tragically took his life on Nov 16 and I have not really been able to come to terms with that one year.

That leaves me with the last concern that I am afraid to even write about. It had been months and then finally I had heard something promising and then nothing. If I wasn’t close enough to check on her nearly daily, I would be struggling even more. I hope that it doesn’t bother her that I just need to see her car continue to move and on my hardest days I make sure I am even more accurate than that. So I will just keep dreaming as hard as I can and sending my unwaivering support over the breeze.

I have been struggling so terribly emotionally but she did send me a picture the day after she said something to me and it has been helping me push though, oh how I love when she sends me pictures.

If I could make you stop and take a look at me

• by She Says • In Movies, R&B •   Comments Off on If I could make you stop and take a look at me

The last few months have been extremely difficult. This movie came up in conversation and of course, I needed something to do with all these emotions.

I spent the evening helping my oldest aunt take care of my grandmother. It was exremely difficult and I kept breaking down in tears. I was supposed to stay the night but had so much anxiety about it, I made myself sick.

You’re here, there’s nothing I fear

• by She Says • In Dreams, Grammy Nominee, Pop •   Comments Off on You’re here, there’s nothing I fear

Spent 2.5 decades cringing when such songs played only to deeply listen and sing along as if the energy that is expelled will aid her on her tortuous journey.

I am quite convinced that my dream from last month is coming true and I don’t even care if that is slightly crazy one bit.

In other timely information, I started this site 9 years ago.

I left work crying that day.

She had told me that we couldn’t talk anymore for the first time. My world seemed to crumble. When I was at work, I got a call from a sweet older lady with the same name as her. I was in sales at the time and my boss must have been observing that call actively. The next call came in and my boss started trying to chastise me for not making a sales offer to the sweet old lady. It was hard enough to repeatedly say her name. I am quite sure that my next caller was able to hear me starting to softly cry as I was doing everything I could to make it through my day and then my boss was coming down hard on me for not making a sales offer to a sweet old woman that was probably telling me some heart breaking story in which I refused to accost her with an over priced service she doesn’t need – well – after that following call, I had made it to my lunch break, I walked straight up to my boss and told her that I wouldn’t be back after lunch, that I was sick and that I would get a doctor’s note. I am quite sure that my next move was to my primary doctor to get back on anxiety medication, which is usually my go to when I can’t handle life.

At the time, I would have never believed that I would be where I am 9 years later, in many ways, all of which I consider positive. (Somewhat – that is optimistically speaking). Either way, I would have been thrilled to know that she would even remember my name. As of 9 years ago, I was blindsided and expecting the worst and not seeing what was actually going on – that would take many more years or repeating this pattern before I would realize that it was not something I was imaging and my writing here helped that a lot.

The youtube playlist continued, so I will continue with the most nostalgic of music. This was one of the first 2 CDs I owned: