1994

Promises of what I seemed to be

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Indie Rock, Music, Rock •   Comments Off on Promises of what I seemed to be

I’m not even sure why, but I agreed to stay with the kids while she went up to see her new girl again.  This time I didn’t freak out like I usually do, until she got home.  The only thing that I can imagine is that I must have had a dream between 5:30 AM when my alarm accidentally went of and when she got home at 6:11 because when the Alexa went off and said she was home, it woke me up. I felt like I have been up for hours.  When she walked in the door I asked her to bring me a drink.  I proceeded to cry hysterically and I didn’t even know why.  I was panicking and crying, telling her that I thought she was going to come home and hold me.  I explained that I thought that I was going to wake up in her arms and that she promised me she would be home in time to get her kids to school.

I left because my brother had sent me some strange messages. I got home and he was having his own breakdown.  He kept getting really mad at me and yelling at me like she does.  He said I didn’t care and I didn’t understand when I asked him if he would put the meth pipe away.  He continued to rant about how he could die at any minute and I needed to get a pen and paper to write some things down.  I couldn’t find one fast enough for him so he started telling me the same story that he has told me since it happened, nearly 2 years ago.

The only thing that was different this time, is that the girl that essentially sexually assaulted him as he slept in her bed, asked him what he was doing there after she did it.  She clearly thought he was someone else, that had been drinking.  I remember how mortified I was when someone accused me of saying in appropriate things to her at work and they were just words and she completely made the thing up.  With him, something physically actally happened.  I feel like she is gaslighting him making him feel like he did something wrong and it is tearing him up to the point where he will live in my house rent free as I am struggling mentally, emotionally and financially and smoke meth in my house without hiding it.  I never saw this coming.

I tried to talk to my psychiatrist about all of the problems that I am having. I explained my excessive and uncontrollable anger.  I told him about depressed I have been.  I told him about my excessive spending and increased sex drive.  He said it was all situational and anyone would have the problems that I am having right now.  It felt like when my ex, T, would tell me that I am not autistic and that I was just dealt a really hard hand in life.  I don’t know how I feel about that.  I can’t change the family I was born into or the problems that they have but I keep doing my best to try to be strong and face everything head on.

What happened this morning must be part of having PTSD.  I have been trying to do some research, because it was a very strange occurrence.  At the time, I was quite sure that I had been laying there in bed awake since 5:30 when the alarm had gone off.  After I was with my brother and he was breaking down, I got away by saying I needed to go pick up my medication and get some tacos for us to eat.  As I was walking into the gas station, I remembered being startled awake by the Alexa.  If I was startled awake then there is no way that I was not sleeping at that point.  It all seems so blurry even though it was only this morning.  Maddison kept asking me why I was crying and I couldn’t even tell her why.  I have tried to explain to her that I would have the same issues with Teal when she would stay out with her friends late after working at Salt Grass.  I would cause the biggest scenes and I was completely un-medicated then.

This is what my PTSD looks like

Broken, bruised, forgotten sore

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Death metal, Industrial rock, Music, Nu metal •   Comments Off on Broken, bruised, forgotten sore

Today when I accidently googled 512, I came across this song.

I felt like I needed a little Lamb of God on my site.  I couldn’t tell you what the hell they are saying but I am sure it’s good.

When I was younger, I used to go to every Kittie show possible.  I must have seen them 10 to 20 times.  I ran a website called KittieIzGod.com based off the name of their first demo tape.  It was called Sex Iz Hell.  I realize that doesn’t really translate but I was like 15 years old.

There used to be a good Sweeny Todd version of Somewhat Damaged on YouTube but I couldn’t find it today. This will have to do.

Can the child within my heart rise above?

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Music •   0

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
‘Til the landslide brought it down

I’m so quick to tell her everything. I hope that she doesn’t hold it against me. Her roommate posted that they were all going to see Smashing Pumpkins on a mutual friend’s FB.  I am constantly reminded of high school and the challenges that it brought to my life.  I would like to think that I am long past that, since I graduated 15 years ago, but I felt myself exploring some deep places in my heart and soul last night.  In the end, I felt ashamed to be who I am and completed defeated, so I was painfully reminded that the pain from the past isn’t really gone.  This is pain that was caused by my peers, completely separate from the difficulties I faced at home.  I hope that one day, people like me will be able to live outside of this.

Can I sail through the changin’ ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

On my way to work this morning, the original version, by Stevie Nix played on the radio. It’s about a 5 minute drive to work, so any great song playing during this time really makes my day.  It took me to a place that I really didn’t need to be as I walked into work. I think that I fought back a few tears, wished that she could see past the surface and hoped for the best.  I know that she has a deep rooted soul and I ‘hope and pray’ that she understands my deep connection and I don’t look like the standard maniac.. I feel guilty so often, but other times I just feel extremely dedicated and trusting.  I’ve been lectured by about everyone that knows.  My girlfriend even makes fun of me for certain things, often.

I met her just after she left the state.  I tried the line, “I am in love with someone else..” and I even said something like, “I am sad because my girlfriend like thing moved away.”  Those conversations come up often when people want to make fun of me.  I have learned to roll with it, but what really matters, is what she thinks.

and I’ll look out the window..

• by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Indie Rock, Music, Neo-folk •   Comments Off on and I’ll look out the window..

.. making jokes about the way things are

Can I be the first to say that I fall in love with her over and over again.  It’s been like this since the day that met her.  She wouldn’t want to know that I often refer to her as ‘the woman that I am in love with..’  The next few words is always, ‘Well, what’s the problem?”  That’s never fun to try to avoid.. time, life, people, love. you pick.  They usually laugh and ask if she has a boyfriend.  Sometimes I just say that I hope not.. I have a reputation of liking straight women.. if they only knew.. she just might love me too.

This is what YouTube did to me tonight:

And I hope that you are having the time of your life but think twice, that’s my only advice

• by admin • In Uncategorized •   Comments Off on And I hope that you are having the time of your life but think twice, that’s my only advice

I need to remember why I created this site in April.. and it was to leave her alone.  Ladies like to miss you once in a while.  I have been reminded of this more than once.

I can’t say that I have actually listened to this song before today.  I had heard it but never listened.  It spoke to me today on the way home for my lunch break….

Zombie by The Cranberries gave me a similar feeling months ago.

There is so much going on that I just want to talk about it, but I don’t even know who that right person would be.