1993
I would stand inside my hell
I feel summer creepin’ in and I’m tired of this town again
I’ll start with, I really dislike this video but love the song. It came on the radio as I was leaving work to go on my lunch break. It’s been a bad day. I always forget to take my medicine and today was one of those testing days. The agent that sits next to me left in tears saying that she needed to go to her doctor and I pretty much felt the same before 11. I am minutes before having to go back to work but here is my video for now.
Hold on, hold on to yourself, for this is gonna hurt like hell
She broke my fuckin’ heart today. on Pi Day.
As I sit here wondering which song I should listen to first, thinking about how I should take a shower so that I can breathe normally and contemplating the desire for my brother’s company. He hasn’t seen me yet and he doesn’t know. It’s almost guaranteed that he will say something insensitive and just piss me off anyway, but the distraction of his constant talking will help me avoid my constant thinking. He is right, we are good for each other.
Its my fault that I feel like this right now, she tried to give me one more peaceful day, because she just might know that practically freak out like the guy that leaves the lights on..
The first time that I watched that video, I emailed her about it. Why am I such a weirdo? When I cry over her, it always feels a little more real.. well, I don’t cry over things that aren’t real.. The way that I breathe out slowly and my chest shakes a little.. it always reminds me of the way that I feel about her, maybe there is a sense of trying so hard to understand the positive.
My dog has started to whine for this cold taco that probably sucks ass at this point. I feel like I ordered it over an hour an a half ago. back in the past.. ast.. ast.. ast..
There I was, sitting at Torchy’s Taco’s. They were particularly busy on this spring break night. She replied to my casual text telling me there was something that she needed to tell me and asked if I wanted to go for a walk tomorrow.
Once we confirmed that one of my least tragic, worst fears were coming true, I tried to remain calm and not be bothered by such shocking news. Since I have been crying for over an hour, slowly and quietly, I do not think that I am doing the best job at that.
My brother has since walked in the room and has started playing the bass behind me. Like with everything, I will trust that this is for the best and then go forward the best that I can. Does she know how much this is crushing me. Is she moving back there with him? This hurts worse than I thought it would.
When I was younger and devastated, I would listen to Sarah Mclachlan.
Her text felt something like this:
It’s just you and me on our island of hope
Outta this mess..
..baby, outta my head
I did something stupid. It all started when I met this woman at the Ani Difranco concert, the I happened to get a bass guitar for Christmas from my brother. Very shortly there after she was looking for people in class where she teaches a group to learn 3 songs in 6 one hour sessions. Of course, I signed up for it without my though or research. Here are the 3 songs that I am supposed to know how to play, by memory in less that a week. If you’re wondering, no I don’t practice. I have decided that these songs are so bad to start with, I can completely mess up and no one will ever know.. I don’t like any of these songs.
If you ask me, they get progressively worse in the order that I have learned them. I am using the term, ‘learn’, very loosely here. These videos are actually really odd. The first one did not seem to have an official video to it so I chose a Buffy one for her. I want to do something like that with a song and TV show or movie one day.
You know I’m such a fool for you
Here I am.. on the road again
