1992

They think I make a big deal about nothing

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Music •   0

It was today that all of these things crossed my mind:

Maybe she was showing me the ring in the photo of her blazer, I just told myself it was the same one that i already knew the story about

Letters Unsent:

Then I scrolled through all of our exchanged photos briefly – there were many highs and lows – I made it to the end and knew that you were not completely gone. I know you will come back someday.

I still cry a lot – but its been a long time. Well since the freeze, I am sure I cried during the freeze…

I have 2 friends trying to help me. They both seem to understand me, at least somehow – even though they have about 20 years between them. The younger one, Nikki, has been messaging me and seeing how I am doing – she has me reading about shadow work and sent me some link so I decided to go ahead and read it since I really have no room to be picky right now.

Tam, is who I asked to go to the concert with me, we met up with my friend, Jess from Houston and she gave an extra ticket to my sister so there were 4 of us. She has been a big help, she has been softly supporting me when I have no one to talk to. She’s homebound with a brain tumor, so I guess I felt like she was safe since she didn’t know other humans and lives in new braunfels. she’s the twin flame, tarot card hippy friend. she decided to inform me that she failed to fully explain twin flames and said it was much less romantic than i was expecting, so there’s that, for things I don’t know about but want to believe in, I know nothing.

This morning I woke up to a message of her quoting my IG saying, “Aspiring sensitive artist, more like inspiring sensistive artist” and that really hit me where it counts. I explained to her where the phrase came from and she said a few more things that I needed to hear. She has no idea why is he no longer her and certainly doesnt know its something so close to her but she loves my love for you and I can’t say that I get that often.

but I just really miss the connection we have and cant calm myself down thinking that ive just lost you forever and dont even know how or why.

i feel like if I even tried to completely open up, it would just be completely sad and I cant even allow that. but I dont need romatic love – its nearly a forien concept to me at this point, but I need unconditional love — or at least a little friendship like because you’d think that I lost my only friend over here and somehow – I am right back to hating my sexuality and excitement.. It’s a strange place to be.

there are tons of people in my life and I cant deny that but just because i know someone does not mean that I can stand them and it certainly doesnt mean that they mean a thing to me. I am not sure where I am going with this but I have decided that I am not going to send it so away it goes into the internet until I decide that it looks better in the trashcan.

I promised you I’d never give up

• by admin • In Alternative, Grammy Nominee, Music •   0

You get down, real low down
You listen to Coltrane, derail your own train
Well, who hasn’t been there before?
I come ’round, around the hard way
Bring you comics in bed, scrape the mold off the bread
And serve you French toast again
Well, okay, I still get stoned
I’m not the kind of girl you’d take home

Sheryl Crow

I nearly feel guilty for feeling some songs – but I felt it hard.

I hate when I get lost in songs like this. As I left work, it was playing. Of course, I had to roll down my windows and scream it to myself – it makes me feel better – about doing nothing. I know that she wants me and she even confirms everything that I want to hear but I just feel like I can not complete the puzzle and I do not know what to do.

Some nights, its harder than others. But when I feel like this, I feel like I act like this every damn night.

This is it, boys, this is war, what are we waiting for?
Why don’t we break the rules already?
I was never one to believe the hype
Save that for the black and white
I try twice as hard, and I’m half as liked
But here they come again to jack my style

Fun.

And some nights, I’m scared you’ll forget me again

Sometimes the words between the lines scream out at me. That’s when I ask myself what the fuck is wrong with me. How many patterns can you recognize and disregard before you realize that you aren’t quick or smart – possibly closer to fucking stupid but that is an argument with myself that I hope I never have to truly have.

Current political issues have me fearing the future. As Texas makes abortion less accessible – I fear what next. When “If These Walls Could Talk” came out on HBO, I watched them. The look into the history of abortion terrified me but I didn’t think that it applied to my life at all. Its been over a decade since I have watched either but I know every critical scene because they all got through to me. Now that I have experienced life for about 20 years or more since each, I realize how much the right to an abortion is critical and could affect my life drastically if the circumstances were grossly aligned.

The second one has always been deeply rooted in my heart. I was about 16 or 17 years old when I realized why having a marriage license was so important and at the time there was no hope it sight. I never even fathomed the idea that I may have the possibility to get married in America. Eventually I knew a few counties that I could but that would never help me here. Since then, I have met the one and that was before it was even legal. I celebrated her home state allowing same sexed married months or years after we met. After it was federally legal, my mind tended to drift. It’s kind of cool to have never really believed I would marry anyone but one person, as before her – I never knew it could happen. Enough about the gays, we all know about that and today its more about Demi Moore and 1952.

All those thoughts made me connect each song to each other. When the song below plays, I have equal and different emotions in the same direction as the last, I should probably go to sleep soon, she might miss me in our dreams.

He says I know you have to go
You have gone before
We are fighting on two different fronts
Of the same war
But no matter what else
I will do
I will wait for you

Ani DiFranco

My boxer neighbor was over tonight and saw me writing, she asked about the site. She was so impressed, and said things that really made me feel better about my situation. Sometimes I think I vent to her and just tell her how hard it can be and she really can only listen because she has no personal experiences like that and is so sheltered its nearly an innocent opinion.

People act like caring about someone makes you crazy and sometime that can really hurt.

Here is a song that graced my screen today, its a song that goes so far back in my little heart but it never meant this before. This feeling gets stronger every time i hear it as many months usually pass first. Most sound minded lesbians avoud Sarah McLachlan at all cost, Plus we all see those poor pups on TV at the mention of her name.

‘Hold on, for this is going to hurt like hell’
its actually:

I have seen this movie and this combination hurt before I ever hurt play. Sometimes – I feel like I am stuck in a movie.

It’s 1:11 am, do I get to make a wish? I’ll make half of one – that important half.

I want to dive into your ocean

• by admin • In Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Pop, Rock •   Comments Off on I want to dive into your ocean

It was mid week when a basic email, probably spam, sent a shock to my system. A few months had past since I had really felt my last surge of jealousy. At the time, I was standing in my kitchen cooking and flirting. I don’t know what was exactly said but that’s where I was when I found out that her job had closed down and she was back working with him. I felt a boulder of defeat fall on me that day. I knew there was no change that I would get to see her in any near future now.

Well around Wednesday, I was sleepily clicking through my inbox when today’s date popped out at me. Just when I least expected it, a flood of emotions starting with jealousy, envy, confusion and the slight anger and concern that follows that combination. I have no frickin’ cue what I am so worried about. It’s not like they don’t spend every waking moment together already but it was just a reminder that he gets to spend every birthday with her when I don’t even ever get to see her. It’s just disheartening to me.

I tried to keep my emotions under control, even though she has been quite distant, I just hope that she is doing okay and what makes her heart happy – that seems to be the end result of my minor panic episodes. It just feels so hopeless at times. I never came out and said it to her but I know that she is more than aware of my desires to be around her and most likely for my lack of desire for him to be around – but I try to keep that one under wraps but no one is fooled. In the last few days, I have found myself thankful that so many places are closed today and hoping there are no romantic plans – though – she has been pretty quiet so I can guess that they are busy.

I get this unreasonable concern that he is over there having the time of his life with the lady that I love like some tragic romantic comedy. The likely hood of that is probably quite slim and if that is the case, I will be painfully aware soon enough. Despite my ridiculous fears, I trust her way more than I ever expected to trust anyone. I would like to believe that they haven’t been in that type of relationship for a while but what do I know. Sadly, I know that staying home doesn’t make me any less lonely. That I don’t like being around most of the people that I spend time with to distract myself. The quarantine has already been hard enough. I just struggle with my immaturity in hoping they aren’t having too good of a time. Damn I am an asshole.. Damn, I just want to watch a movie or nap with her once.

It’s true, I am jealous of him a lot – but I try so fucking hard not to be.

Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think

• by admin • In Country, Music •   Comments Off on Trust me friend a hundred years goes faster than you think

The other day when I was driving in the car and flipping through radio stations, I came across “Don’t Blink” right when it started. I listed to the whole song and cried quietly the entire time. Having an 88 year old grandmother during a pandemic has caused me a great deal of fear and stress. I have only seen her once – and that was mainly because I was needed for her mental health reasons – it is really hard for her to stay alone.

I have been trying to concentrate on taking my medicine daily. Once I went to work from home in mid March, my entire routine was thrown off. I no longer got ready for work – I just rolled out of bed. When I started to panic about her working with him again and being quarantined with him and just everything with him and nothing with me – I started to get really worried, jealous – I don’t even know what but I seem to be back to my ‘loving – I don’t care about any of the details as long as she is living the life that she wants to’ self.

Basically, why I mentioned this song, “Don’t Blink” is because it made me cry when I was driving. I rarely listen to an entire new song – things really have to grow on me, but it was reminding me of what I already knew. We had already been discussing how my niece, who was 1 when we met, is a whole ass kid at this point with a 5 year old little brother. It only added to the perspective.

When I found out that there was a cave less than 100 miles away that people got married in, first I joked to the original poster that I was going to get married in her cave and then I ran off to my love to tell her all about it. She responded perfectly, and I like to think that she knows exactly what I am shyly hinting at. Next month will be 7 years since I met her and though I know that it is insane by today’s standards, I really do want to ask her to marry me. I don’t think that either of us really live by anyone’s standards and you can say that we dance to the beat of a different drum, but I sure wish that I could pull off meeting her in the exact spot that we met 7 years ago – I would walk there all dressed up – hopefully she would show up unsuspecting, but I am.. predictable to say the least. I have never even thought about proposing to anyone before. I grew up knowing that marriage was not for me and it would never happen so don’t glorify it.

My mom left when I was 2 – that is many years of watching my father struggle and hearing that you can’t depend on anyone but yourself. He was broken and couldn’t even consider dating or trying again. With that said, I grew up with a very young father that had little to no money. By at least 5 years old, I knew that no one had any extra money to give me for any reason – so don’t even think about asking.

In high school, my friends started fantasizing about their weddings, telling me all about where they were going to get married and what they were going to wear. These were all teenage girls that had no serious boyfriends but they knew that they were getting married one day and no better day than 14 years old to start planning it. At the time, I was realizing that not only was I poor but I was also gay – now I would never have money for a wedding nor was it even legal. I knew what a civil union was, this was the late 90s – but I also knew that I would never have any support from anyone.

So basically, I stopped thinking about it. I was actually already in love with this lady once it started becoming legal.

Well – there were a few states long ago. I remember hearing about Virginia on the radio when I was in the car as a kid, but that may have been the start of civil unions. When I saw that Colorado had legalized gay marriage, which it an awful phrase but it gets my point across – I texted her immediately. She told me something like ‘they know whats up in CO.’

At this point gay marriage and marijuana was legal in CO, I don’t think that many could disagree with whatever her statement was. Now it is still legal, even after Trump has ripped apart the nation, so I better jump on it. I can’t say that I don’t think of how I would ask her to marry me way more often that I would expect and it scares the shit out of me every time, but I think that is how it is supposed to go and we should probably go somewhere amazing to do it – not the side of the road but sometimes you have to work with what is possible. The dang Alanis Morisette concert was the day before that day so I thought it was guaranteed that I would spend it with her but those plans got jumbled to say the least.

Oh yes, and last night I had this dream that was replaying a moment from the past where I reached down to grab her hands and she interlaced her fingers in both my hands and – well – I must say, it’s what my dreams are made of.

Here are some sad country songs –

Phew, for a minute there

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Music, Rock •   0

The woman that I love and I live blocks apart with a main road between us. I try to stay on my side.. but when I turn right to go down the hill, I often catch myself looking to the left where I can see up here hill. I actually feel some sort of guilt every time I catch myself looking in her direction – so often throughout history I have done everything possible to avoid it, but currently I don’t feel that bad and I don’t think she would mind if I looked her direction and saw what I perceive to be her car every once in a while.

Most everyone in my life knows that I am weird at this point. I have done my best to try not to share the details of my love affair with the world – and it really is no affair at all but it seems that everyone knows a little here and there and the small details that I do share usually leave me looking like a real fuck up – but… I could care less because the only opinion on the matter that I am concerned with is hers and I would like to think that I know a little bit about that by now.

Today, I came home on my lunch break which is a rarity but it seems that no one works on the Friday between Christmas and New Year’s Day so it leave the help desk a very slow and boring place, so I left. Somewhere in there I recognized that I am extremely spoiled but I moved past that quickly because it is all a matter of perspective.

On my way home, this time coming up the hill, I caught myself glancing right – only to see a van or something there. There is some sort of defense mechanism in my mind that leaves me making fun of myself – to myself but in an imaginary conversation with someone else. Today’s imaginary conversation was me telling her that someone is parked in her spot – because to me that is creepily hilarious.. but I only assume that she would laugh too. I hate when I am wrong about those things.

That conversation clearly didn’t happen because I appreciate her enjoying my company, but she is all too aware of my quirkiness. She may be the only person in the world that enjoys it – which leaves me the luckiest. She’s probably at work and I am here gushing about her on the internet to myself because that is totally normal. With all things considered, I just embrace it and in my heart, she does too.

If anyone else doesn’t like it – they can go fuck themselves. And that’s how I feel about that.

Creep (1992)

Karma Police (1997)

It was just the other day that I was thinking about how many times, I have accidentally said something just to have someone close to me look at me like – wow I had no idea you were a complete asshole. I suppose it affected me because I seem to think about it at all. I wouldn’t even try to explain myself because it is no one else’s business but I can assure the world that their original opinion of me is accurate as it just appears that way. I have my reasons and it is not what it looks like but there are levels to like that some people will never understand. Maybe I am wrong, but I feel like I do.

When everything else disappeared

• by admin • In Alternative rock, Folk Rock, Glam Metal, Grammy Nominee, Hard Rock, Indie Rock, Industrial rock, Music, New Wave, Rock •   0
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The thing about keeping great records, digital ones at that, is that it is easy to cross reference them when needed.  Today marks 2 years since a difficult day in my life.  That day happens to be the day that I started this site, as a way to deal with the situation.  It looks like it was the next day or so that I was at work, ended up talking to someone that made me a little sad on the phone.. then my boss jumped down my throat and made me cry on a call.. That will be 2 years ago Monday.  In my opinion, I handled it very well.  That call was one call before my lunch, I remember it quite well.  The call after that is the one that I actually started to cry during, barely, but everything had just been building up.  I logged out when it was time to go to lunch, I walked right up to my boss and told her that I was going to the doctor and that I would be back the next day.

In the past, I had been on anxiety medicine, and at some time around when my middle niece was born, about 3 and a half years ago, I had stopped taking it.  With everything that had transpired and how much I was reacting to everything around me, I knew that it was something that I needed in my life.  In retrospect, this site serves as a record of my progress in the last 2 years.  Since then, I have been promoted at work.  I on my 8th training class and somehow I have gained the trust and understanding of the woman that I have fallen in love with.  I feel that way anyway.  It’s a huge deal to me because I tend to keep everyone in my life at a safe distance, but something tells me that she is different.. and I enjoy every minute of it.

When I was coming home from my friend’s house tonight, I drove by her old house for the first time since she had left.  I just kind of turned when I really didn’t have to.  My heart felt a little lighter when I saw his car in the drive way.  I’m uncertain why I can’t bring myself to just ask her a few things.  My imagination had been playing with combinations and statistical realities.. Most people that know me, know that I would wait 2 more years for her without thinking twice.. and hate it – I’m not sure why.  Those act like I am selling myself short and that no one should wait for anyone.. Then the other reactions that I get are more sincere in my eyes, I can’t tell you how much I like it when someone reacts the opposite and confirms that it’s incredibly romantic.  There’s a handful of close friends that know just how I feel.  They see my face when I talk to her.  My attempt to smile as she leaves.  It’s nice when someone actually understands you.  It seems to be so rare lately.

While stumbling around the YouTube.. I found this gem:

You’re so adventurous, I’m so very cautious

• by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Indie Folk, Indie Rock, Music, Neo-folk •   0

6d43953951009d57ba94751a7a07720fToday, we met at our normal halfway point. We walked for as long as we could and I tried by best not to think too much about hugging her goodbye.  As I passed my friend’s house, they returned home, so spent some time over there but that didn’t stop me from emailing her minutes after leaving her side confessing a few of my thoughts that I couldn’t express in person.

They started watching The Never Ending Story around midnight and since I knew that I had way too much thinking to do, I left and listed to my playlist on random.

This is what it thought that I should listen to:



…and that is currently how many songs it takes to walk from her house to mine..

I had a necklace in my pocket for her.. and I wanted to tell her that I loved her before she left, but I just couldn’t accept that this would be the last time that I would see her, so I couldn’t bring myself to act like it could be.