1991

And I’ll be your cryin’ shoulder

• by She Says • In Alternative rock, Folk, Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop •   Comments Off on And I’ll be your cryin’ shoulder

As I take one day at a time, over and over again, I create mixed tapes in my head to her. I have been singing many of these songs to her long before I even knew who she was.

There was a point in time that I thought every song on this list was ridiculous, I couldn’t understand a few lines here or there. The lines that sound like exaggeration feel all too real now.

Here are the 90s pop songs playing on my radio. A few may drift from that decade and genre but they fit there to me.

This is just a darling way to bounce back from all of those emotions:

This might be the sound track to my life. I remember the moment and action that go with a few of these lines. When I just wanted her to know who I was – I started writing and never stopped.

Let me tell you about middle school dances… life was never pleasant for me but I don’t talk about that.

That’s god with a lowercase g, the concept.

We are going to continue down R&B lane for a moment so forgive me for that. I have been singing the next two songs a lot but I go got the John Michael Montgomery version as it is much easier for me to achieve. Well, I only sing it when I am alone, no one would want to hear all that.

All-4-One was one of my first CDs after Tragic Kingdom and Pieces of You, which I had received as Christmas gifts that year. My older cousin traded me a very scratched up All-4-One CD for who knows what, surely I got ripped off but that is where I first heard these two songs. That same year, a country artist covered them so I would hear the same songs in a country version on the radio with my grandparents – it was a confusing time and I didn’t understand why. (The reason was $$)

I realize that this 90s mix is quite cheesy but who could expect anything else. This is about the sentiment which is lightly scattered all over the place. Without further ado:

Oh how I loved this song as a teenager with no one to directed it to.

There are a few pop songs that I thought were so ridiculous that I couldn’t even listen to them. They fell into the Aqua – Barbie Girl category in my mind. When they grace my 90s station these days, I will admit, I listen to them and my thoughts drift – once again, the odd lyrics suddenly make a little sense. Brace yourself for bubblegum pop.

One more and I will climb out of this rabbit hole.

So I guess if I could say anything to her – it would be all of that. Another song that I have caught myself listening to when it comes on is one that I felt was the most over played song of my life:

I’ll wrap this up and get back to reality. For the next and final song in this series, it will be hard to believe that I had not heard it before a few years ago after she used ‘Round here’ in a very impactful text message. It seems as though it has been around for over 30 years so I may have just over looked it but when it comes on these days – I stop – I listen and I try my hardest to come up with a plan that will work.

Livin’ a life that I can’t leave behind

• by She Says • In Alternative, Dreams, Rock •   Comments Off on Livin’ a life that I can’t leave behind

The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I’ve said too much

There’s that line in this song that takes me back to everything bagels and desperately listening. That laughter warms my heart more than I could describe. I’d do anything just to spend a little time with her.

Tonight has been hard and I feel I caused it with one bad decision and ridiculously terrible timing.

I should go listen to some Sarah McLachlan. There’s a woman that I can’t get off my mind. I just want to fight for her so badly.

I thought that I heard you laughing

• by She Says • In Alternative, Alternative rock, Music, Rock •   Comments Off on I thought that I heard you laughing

Today, I needed a song from 1991 because I noticed that my word cloud at the bottom of the page was not even – we will blame the retrograde or something. I should be asleep – its 9:15 AM – but I have been logging into work early to cover for people, I am logged out until 10 currently.

I realized why I have no songs from 1991 – they are all pretty terrible, except this one.

Last Tuesday, I went to karaoke and this is the song of the night. I watched the words as they scrolled down the screen. It was one of those moments – where I had heard the song so many times, thousands on this one – but that night – one week ago, I felt like I was writing the words as they displayed.

The lengths that I will go to
The distance in your eyes
Oh no I’ve said too much

Trying to keep up with you
And I don’t know if I can do it
Oh no I’ve said too much
I haven’t said enough

I thought that I heard you laughing
I thought that I heard you sing
I think I thought I saw you try

Every whisper, of every waking hour
I’m choosing my confessions
Trying to keep an eye on you
Like a hurt, lost and blinded fool, fool
Oh no I’ve said too much
I set it up

Consider this
Consider this the hint of the century
Consider this the slip
That brought me to my knees, failed
What if all these fantasies come
Flailing around
Now I’ve said too much

But that was just a dream
That was just a dream

I have always known it was a gay song, well I am quite sure its historical anyway – but last Tuesday, it meant more to me.

I dress my face in stone

• by admin • In Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Music, Rock •   0

Last week, I worked from home the whole week because someone’s wife had covid. Today, I was one of the lucky ones that got to go back into the office because I wasn’t actually present for whatever meeting they were all ‘exposed’ in. Luckily for me, I have only been working in the office for half of the day and only about 2 of those are hours with other employees. It limits my exposure to all but about 3 people. It also leaves me with very little human interaction, which I usually do not mind at all but after the last few weeks I have had, I just don’t even know what to do to distract myself anymore.

It’s a stark reminder of why I can’t handle being in love. I need someone to talk to but I do not want to talk to anyone but her. Last night I kind of opened up to a random friend that knows a little because I had to explain to her what I meant when I told her that I was in love with someone. This friend happens to be someone that used to like me when we worked together before. She was a teenager so my first reason was that but later I explained to her that despite her age, I was still not interested because of my emotional involvement – it was a common thing to explain to women that thought I was making it all up but I kept it short and sweet and when they realized I was insane – they just left me alone anyway. Well, since she has been hearing about this for several years by now – since it seems faker then longer i said it to people – she was sweet about it. Reminded me that it was probably just as hard in her too and that if she wasn’t reading my messages there was most likely a good reason and the good reason certainly wasn’t that she hated me. I don’t know why it helps when people help me destroy irrational fears, but it does. So I have spent the day trying to remind myself to act my damn age and remember what was important. I still cried way too much but I think I did better. I really have no idea, I actually want to kick my own ass.

I stopped taking all of my mental health medication during covid because it didn’t seem like I needed it anymore. I never had anxiety attacks when I didn’t leave my house. Eventually I quit going to the doctor all together because I got a call from my counselor person saying that she took another job so someone else would be contacting me for my next appointment but then I decided that if she could quit, so could I and since my emotional outbursts were down like we have wanted to do, it seemed successful and I thought I was done. I can’t even remember which came first but here I am, in a new house, completely alone and I haven’t taken any of my medicine in months and I don’t even remember my last psych appointment but he was terrible at phone appointments anyway. In person he could ramble on and on and teach me things about myself that I didn’t know but once it was over the phone, he just asked a few basic questions and took my non answers and refilled the prescription. No one even called me to make that next appointment, A lot of people that go there really need it more than I do, so I can’t imagine what it would have been like if I was worse off – but all that to say is that I guess I am worse off.

I smoke and I drink
And every time I blink
I have a tiny dream

But as bad as I am
I’m proud of the fact
That I’m worse than I seem

I guess I need to ask the lady if I am not as bad as I think…

Right now I feel pretty fucked up. After my friend reminded me that is probably just as hard on her that is on me – I have just wanted to protect her from me.

I am going to go take my medicine now – but I am going to continue to listen to songs that tear me to pieces.

But oh baby, maybe someday
Maybe somehow.

When my conservative aunt found out that I was a lesbian, she cried and the apologized. She said that she didn’t care that I was gay but that my life was already so hard, it just hurt her to know that it was only going to get harder.

At the time, I brushed it aside thinking that was just a nice thing to say – but the more social situations that I fail at, the more I think about her words and what she meant.

She wasn’t saying it because so many people hate gay people like I thought.

She was saying that she saw the sea of heart break coming my way.

I used to fight back.

I don’t even want to anymore. Now I just want to hang my head in shame and wonder why I ever thought love was possible. I am all over the place and all alone. Hungry and can’t it. Isn’t it Ironic… I don’t think.

Last thing, of all the songs at the concert that I knew would make me cry, this next one was not one that I had ever paid attention to before that night and well, its been haunting me since.

https://youtu.be/1veYTsVMsI0

And that is why I just want to cry and apologize for being such a damn lesbian all the time.

Oh my resistance ain’t that strong.

• by admin • In Country, Music •   0

Today, I came across a video online. At a glance, I confused Travis Tritt with Tracy Byrd. When I read who it was, I laughed to myself – because it’s really not that far off.

This is the county that I used to listen to as I would fall asleep at nap time when I stayed with my grandma before I started school.  My grandma always had 97.3 playing.  Even when I was too old to take a nap, I spent my summers at my grandparents house.  They had a home daycare that she started in order to take care of me after my mom left us.  To say the least, the song was an emotional journey to listen to.

Last night, I googled her name.  Sometimes I like to do that for the fuck of it.  Nothing new ever comes up.  She is a private person.  There’s not a whole lot to look at but this one site always comes up.  Its come background check type site.  The site is called www.fastpeoplesearch.com which seems like some fake ass shit to me, but the address information on these seems quite accurate.  I’ve google mapped plenty of addresses from that site just to look at old homes.. It’s not the first time I have looked at the site and clicked through names.  Last night, I must have clicked too many times because I ended up on C’s name and much to my surprise, his address was listed as one of my best friend’s houses… She has since moved, long ago, but for the first few seconds, that didn’t register.  My immediate reaction was, why does he have A’s address on his name?  Once I realized the world, in fact, did not revolve around me, I decided that that was one random chain of events.  If I had not moved last year, we would live about a block apart.  Luckily – I did move.. and then move back, so at least we are like 5 blocks away.

It’s still very strange to me.  I decided this was a good sign that I needed to get off the computer and try to go to bed.  I couldn’t.  So I got back on and emailed her – because I like telling her how weird I am.  It’s a tragic flaw of mine…  In my quest to be a tragic hero.

Fillin’ up my mind and emptying my heart

• by admin • In Country, Music •   0

I was driving on I-20 on my way to Shreveport for work when this next song caught my attention. It was only a few lines in and I was distracted. You may not know this but East Texas has a poor selection for music on the radio and I can only imagine that 11 pm isn’t the best time to search for good music. It was then that I decided that this was going to be one of the next songs that I learned to play on bass.

Garth Brooks “What She’s Doing Now”

Today, I presented it to my brother, he pointed out how it is so obviously out-dated. Despite the lack of modernism, I am still going to run with it. You actually can’t just look up anyone on facebook to see how they are doing all of the time.. if you ever want to make someone really miss you, delete your facebook, I suppose. We also discussed that numbers changing aren’t as common with cell phones either, but then again – I know plenty of people that have had several numbers in the last few years.. soo yes, in 1991 this song may have had a slightly different circumstance, it could still all hold true.

You’re so adventurous, I’m so very cautious

• by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Indie Folk, Indie Rock, Music, Neo-folk •   0

6d43953951009d57ba94751a7a07720fToday, we met at our normal halfway point. We walked for as long as we could and I tried by best not to think too much about hugging her goodbye.  As I passed my friend’s house, they returned home, so spent some time over there but that didn’t stop me from emailing her minutes after leaving her side confessing a few of my thoughts that I couldn’t express in person.

They started watching The Never Ending Story around midnight and since I knew that I had way too much thinking to do, I left and listed to my playlist on random.

This is what it thought that I should listen to:



…and that is currently how many songs it takes to walk from her house to mine..

I had a necklace in my pocket for her.. and I wanted to tell her that I loved her before she left, but I just couldn’t accept that this would be the last time that I would see her, so I couldn’t bring myself to act like it could be.