Last night, I had a dream that we drove a van Uhaul off into a “Ring of Fire” eclipse.
I had been telling her that it was called the Ring of Fire Eclipse and that I was going to call it the Johnny Cash Eclipse.
When I went to go leave for work 30 minutes later than I normally would, I started my car to find this song playing. I got the cheesiest grin on my face suddenly.
She recently told me that she had a dream that we bought a house in the town that we recently met up in. My heart went wild just hearing that. I haven’t seen her since but I have been fightingh terribly.
And I will need to come back to another cover to this song – it get’s me everytime.
On his birthday, she read my good morning message and then took a phone break for the rest of the day which left me alone to think and worry about how romantic their day might be. I didn’t so much mind her not talking to me – I am not like that, I just get so insecure when I know that she is spending his birthday with him with her phone off and I can’t even see her for five minutes. It just hurts and makes me feel really unimportant in her life. I know that will fade as soon as she starts being sweet to me, but which she is distant, it lingers over my head and makes me feel like she doesn’t take me seriously.
I have to say that the isolation that this year has not made it any easier.
On Friday, I hope that she was having fun – even with him… It just broke my heart to consider that they would be having a romantic evening alone.
I truly believe they are not in a relationship anymore and it’s not like that but the fear seems to still be very real. I just want to be important to her.
Just when I think that I have my emotions under control, they consume me, keep me up all hours of the night and remind me of who I really am. Pills and busying myself only lasts so long. Em is at her fathers house, laying under a roof that he won’t sleep under anymore… I am sure that her thoughts are racing right now. It makes me completely guilty to be emotional in anyway at this point.
Today, I was reminded that everything in life is going alright… as I watched my love walk away. It was impossible to even think about the fact that I wouldn’t see her tomorrow.. or anytime soon.. I couldn’t take a moment to realize that would be the last hug she gave me for quite some time. I feel like I stayed strong until after she left, even when I looked over and saw her friend driving. The only way to get through that was to block all of that out and remind myself that she was going to see her family and spend time with all the people that she has been missing. I reminded myself not to be selfish and as soon as she left, I started to cry, slow, soft tears.. in front of my dad and brother. They knew that I was going outside to tell her goodbye and neither one said a thing. It’s not the first time that my brother has seen me cry over her, mainly recently because she was leaving, but I don’t think that my father has ever seen me cry over any woman – so that happened. She is currently riding across country on her next adventure in life and I am sitting here, writing about it and wishing that she could hold me.
Will you search through the lonely earth for me,
Climb through the briar and bramble.
I’ll be your treasure.
They sang all the wrong words.
I’m waiting for you
Today, I drove out to my sister’s house to see her kids. The drive out there is about an hour so it gave me so much time to think. Before this week, there was so much doubt in my mind. Too many people had laughed at me, called me crazy amongst other things for believing in myself and my feelings.. After a while, I started to doubt myself.
Once I was on my way home, thinking about how everything worked out, I wondered.. what the hell did I wish on those falling stars.. you always have to be careful with those. That’s mainly a joke but I do wish on shooting stars and I try to word my wishes perfectly. Now, I really know better than to believe in things like that but I can’t help but entertain myself.
There was this time, when I heard ‘Rush Hour’ by Ani Difranco for the first time. The star fell right out of the sky, straight down, in the direction of her house. I watched in amazement because I was getting all emotional at the time over the song and I paused the music to make a wish. This was so long ago, she was in CA or something seeing a concert in San Fransisco I think, but my wish was for her to be truly happy and for her to love me and all that stuff too.. I really couldn’t say exactly but I know that is how most of my wishes start out and go. There was something about my long drive that made me think about that night and that this is probably just part of what she needs to be truly happy and that is the main thing that I care about. As I got near my house, I looked at this guard rail near my street and remembered that I was specifically there when I saw that star. I have no idea how I remember these things. She means the world to me and I would do anything for her.
• byadmin • InFolk Rock, Music • Comments Off on we just don’t run this place
When I took a shower, I heard two lines in two different songs that I had never heard before. That will be the last line in each of the Ani songs that I post. The Adele song separated them. All just as insightful.
The last lines seemed to hit so hard tonight.
This song has some of my favorite lines in it, one being at the 2 minute mark. Music gets me though me day.
