Last night, I sent an email that stepped a little bit across those boundaries that I have been trying so hard to determine. I knew it, I even said it in my letter. I felt like I was going to regret it and even woke up the next morning feeling like I should regret it, but guess what, she replied.
I also woke up thinking about my ex, the previous one, I don’t really consider M my ex, because we never had a fair chance.. but anyway, T had some calendar thing last night, she’s basically a model and singer, and I woke up thinking about something that happened weekends ago involving seeing the guy that she left me for for the first time since it happened, over 6 years ago. I told her what happened and how well I handled it, and then I closed facebook and never waited to see her response. That’s tough. I’ll check it later after I am loaded with anxiety medicine and such.
When I heard “What It Takes” and it reminded me about how it used to remind me about T. It did make me think about M when I heard it yesterday but I know that I am just a confused mess. If T had not gotten married to someone that I trusted and respected, because I knew that she did.. I don’t know if I would have ever gotten over it all.
But what do I know, I was probably still a bit confused about T until I met M.. she was the only person that could ever put everything in the past through a different perspective. No one could imagine how immature I used to me. If I told anyone about some weird things that happened with a close guy friend recently, everyone’s jaw would drop.. I didn’t know what to do or how to handle it and I haven’t told a soul about it yet. I started to last night but I have to softly edit it because I couldn’t even speak the words. These two ladies are magical and I know and can not even thank them enough for all that they do for me. I take a little more effort than most, but once in a while, people realize that I am worth it.
The internet has convinced me that I have aspergers but I am almost too afraid to find out, and if I do, I know it is subtle, I have made so much progress in my life and I don’t think most people know the half of it. Now that I think about it, I don’t think that there is one person besides myself that knows most of it at all. Many people know about separate difficulties but each person knows about different thinks. I wouldn’t tell anyone about the domestic violence that I have lived with my whole life, but some people know. I know think my dad knows not to talk about it, or maybe I am the wrong one, feeling like I should keep it a secret. T and M.. both know, at least the present and somewhat present stuff. I try not to talk about when I was little, people get this look on their face and that’s not what I am going for.
