1983

I want to dive into your ocean

• by admin • In Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Pop, Rock •   Comments Off on I want to dive into your ocean

It was mid week when a basic email, probably spam, sent a shock to my system. A few months had past since I had really felt my last surge of jealousy. At the time, I was standing in my kitchen cooking and flirting. I don’t know what was exactly said but that’s where I was when I found out that her job had closed down and she was back working with him. I felt a boulder of defeat fall on me that day. I knew there was no change that I would get to see her in any near future now.

Well around Wednesday, I was sleepily clicking through my inbox when today’s date popped out at me. Just when I least expected it, a flood of emotions starting with jealousy, envy, confusion and the slight anger and concern that follows that combination. I have no frickin’ cue what I am so worried about. It’s not like they don’t spend every waking moment together already but it was just a reminder that he gets to spend every birthday with her when I don’t even ever get to see her. It’s just disheartening to me.

I tried to keep my emotions under control, even though she has been quite distant, I just hope that she is doing okay and what makes her heart happy – that seems to be the end result of my minor panic episodes. It just feels so hopeless at times. I never came out and said it to her but I know that she is more than aware of my desires to be around her and most likely for my lack of desire for him to be around – but I try to keep that one under wraps but no one is fooled. In the last few days, I have found myself thankful that so many places are closed today and hoping there are no romantic plans – though – she has been pretty quiet so I can guess that they are busy.

I get this unreasonable concern that he is over there having the time of his life with the lady that I love like some tragic romantic comedy. The likely hood of that is probably quite slim and if that is the case, I will be painfully aware soon enough. Despite my ridiculous fears, I trust her way more than I ever expected to trust anyone. I would like to believe that they haven’t been in that type of relationship for a while but what do I know. Sadly, I know that staying home doesn’t make me any less lonely. That I don’t like being around most of the people that I spend time with to distract myself. The quarantine has already been hard enough. I just struggle with my immaturity in hoping they aren’t having too good of a time. Damn I am an asshole.. Damn, I just want to watch a movie or nap with her once.

It’s true, I am jealous of him a lot – but I try so fucking hard not to be.

With you I’d walk anywhere.

• by admin • In Music, Rock •   Comments Off on With you I’d walk anywhere.

There are a few songs that I have known my whole life – most being Jimmy Buffett or some variation of country from the mid 80s or earlier. It seems as though he has gained notoriety in recent years but he didn’t used to be that popular. I can remember being embarrassed that I listened to him, but many of those were my teenage years where anything would have embarrassed me. It was great exposure therapy and helped me get to the point that I am at now. I used to be incredibly shy and most people wouldn’t know it except that one lady that makes me question everything I know just by entering a room.

When it comes to Jimmy Buffett, there are a few songs that I feel get too much attention and this is one of them, but today it touched my heart all the same. She sent me a stunning photo and it lead to me quoting the following song. As I typed out the line and stopped, the song continued in my head. The next line was about California – which I thought was cute so then I wanted to listen to it. I forgot that the first line includes San Francisco, which happens to be where she was at that second in life and it just made me twinkle a little. Then I told her all about it and went on.

The other day, a friend posted this on the Internet and I joked with her that it was going to get me in trouble. This is completely unrelated to the post and kind of the song, but in my heart, its so related.

https://youtu.be/omnDcaEX7ZI?t=227

I could leave but I won’t go

• by admin • In Alternate Metal, Grammy Nominee, Hard Rock, Heavy Metal, Music, Nu metal, Pop, Pop Rock, Progressive rock, Soft Rock •   0

This morning, as I headed to work, I wondered if her number was still the same because I plan on texting her tomorrow. It’s an important day.

I wondered how she felt about my current situation. The interruption of the work day put that though to rest.

It reminded me that life is never what it seems.

Genesis “That’s All”

Disturbed “The Sound of Silence”

Youtube decided that I needed to listen to this song:

Phil Collins “In the Air Tonight”

Genesis “Land of Confusion”

That I never wanna get myself free

• by admin • In Blue Rock, Country Rock, Music, Rock, Southern Rock •   0
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These are not songs that I willingly listened to, but sometimes my rock star brother sets my play list for the day without any input from myself.  I thought that we were going to play some Jimmy Buffett but now I am listening to 38 Special coming from the living room in the tune of my brother.  He sounds better than the originals, don’t get me wrong, but I would choose something else – and then it made me thing.

For the first time, I heard every word.  These are songs that he sings daily.   Now I just wanted to be in her arms and know that – know that something.  I’m pretty sure that my heart beats a little differently when I think about it too much.

‘I could leave but I won’t go, it’d be easier I know’

• by admin • In Pop Rock, Progressive rock •   0

Getting out of bed in the morning is always the hardest part.  Maybe I should change the time that I have been taking my medicine.  People say it can make a difference.  I strolled into work a casual 20 minutes late but no one complained.  Luckily, last Thursday I went straight into work and took the next available day off.  Thank you last week me for knowing that this week me would still not want to have anything to do with work.  It’s almost like I have been here before and I just don’t want to see another self fulfilled prophecy, so I can’t even talk about that, but I plan on doing things a lot differently.

Last time I felt like I had lost everything that I had dreamed about for so long, I went a little… wild.  I was on a search for something that is not easy to find and I went about it all the wrong way for so long.  In about 2012 I had realized that it just wasn’t working for me and quit dating ladies.. I actually hadn’t called anyone my girlfriend since 2009, until I met her.

She called me her girlfriend first, and since I wasn’t trying to find myself in some weird embarrassing situation, I was sooo clear.  I had asked her if we were actually together, you know, before I went and told the whole world.  It was a Saturday, it was slow at work, and I actually posted it on facebook and oh did my friends react..   I never told her but she’s not on facebook and would probably have considered it all silly anyway.  (To see the reactions)  The first one to comment was a girl that I had started to talk to briefly in May.  I had actually been at her mother’s benefit the day that I had met said lady.  Every time i wear those jeans and button up shirt together, i think of that day.  The shoes that I were wearing haven’t been worn since about that time.  Maybe they didn’t make me feel sophisticated enough for her.

The point of thinking about that was that, I never changed my relationship status away from that.  In July when she broke up with me, I left it stay the same for a while.  My friend Amber said that if I didn’t change it I would look crazy.. So I made it private.  I’m sure that’s less crazy.  Now, every time I open my facebook, on the right it says “In a relationship” and I get just a little sad thinking about how absolutely excited I was when I believed that I had everything I had been dreaming about.

Which leads me to thinking about how she just made my heart flutter so much by just walking in the door less than a month ago.  Maybe I shouldn’t have ignored the yellow flowers.  It does mean friendship, after all.  They were the ones standing out like my animation reference.  The denial was too strong.  The fantasy was also.  We have a way of seeing what we want to and ignoring the rest.

She is someone that I would tight rope walk on the bendy line of my out stretched morals while reminding myself to quit looking down so I’m not so afraid of falling.   I am scared of heights but no afraid of falling.

Now if I can just convince myself to leave her alone until she wants to have me back in her life.  Until then I am making changing to make sure I am easier to deal with.  She shouldn’t have to deal with me and my jealousy.

If the question ever arises, “Why would I spend time messing with a website that no one may see?”  The answer is simple: Someone may read it, and it may make a difference, specifically referring to only one person of course.  And if not, what do I have to lose?  It’s my attempt to do a little better about that walking away so tough and never looking back thing.  I only expected it to last a few weeks but it seems that I never even made it to the first step.. for me to shut the heck up.  It seems impossible.  The forces at be are more powerful than my amazing will power.. That’s all.

Updated: March 2018 – Image and tags