Tonight, important things were said and I felt trusted.
1981
Oh my life is changing everyday
Since it was Valentine’s day, I spent time with the woman that I love most – my grandma. On the way to her house, I heard a song on the radio that caught my attention. It was about half way through the song when I realized that it must be called “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collins, because I recognized a line that took me back to “Stan” by Eminiem. It’s funny that I have watched the movie “Kids” and related this song to Eminiem.. it’s just unexpected to learn anything from Marshall Mathers.
I really have no idea what that song is about but the first few lines spoke to me, then I realized it was the song that was referenced in “Stan” and I have always loved that song. I used to watch the “Guilty Conscience” video way too often too.
Today, when I was talking about going to see a friend after I left her house – she said, “That’s something you have a lot of – friends, that’s really good.” She married when she was 16 years old. She feels like she missed out on a lot in life – and I know that having her own personal friends is one of them. She is a twin so if it wasn’t her sister, it was her husband. She has no idea how much my friends help me get through. There are moments when I feel like no one cares and no one understands and that everything is pointless – and just at the right moment, someone steps back in my life and reminds me that I am worth it.. and that everything is just circumstantial. It makes a big difference. Never underestimate how much a few words might help someone on such a deep level.
When this video came out, I thought that it was so great. My life has changed a little, however, it is still entertaining.
The next song that I paid attention to while driving to my grandma’s house was The Cranberries.
Then I came home and my brother was singing a personal favorite of ours.
I could leave but I won’t go
This morning, as I headed to work, I wondered if her number was still the same because I plan on texting her tomorrow. It’s an important day.
I wondered how she felt about my current situation. The interruption of the work day put that though to rest.
It reminded me that life is never what it seems.
Genesis “That’s All”
Disturbed “The Sound of Silence”
Youtube decided that I needed to listen to this song:
Phil Collins “In the Air Tonight”
Genesis “Land of Confusion”
I Wish That I Had Charlie’s Girl
Today as I was driving home from work, I felt emotionally weak as I replaced Jesse’s name with Charlie in my head without intention.
I started feeling guilty and sad at the same time. Why do I have to love someone that is so taken.. and how will I ever know if she is happy or not.
The realization that I would rather live a life of solitude to ensure that the people that I love are truly happy, is not a foreign concept to me.
There is a lady that I would do anything for and I just want her to know that. No one would believe that I have no so much as kissed her since sometime in 2013 probably about mid October. The moments will last forever in my heart but I have since lost the date because the time frame no longer matters. There is no question, we have the most complex relationship that I have had with someone that is not related to me. That sounds weird as I type it, but it is not hard to tell I do not mean sexual relationship. I just wanted to broaden it to encompass every aspect of my life. There are so many reference points but its almost hard to keep them in order.
My thoughts have gotten so complicated on the matter. Things like the nine inch nails concert and the day she broke up with me play over and over in my head. Sometimes I can’t stop thinking about things that happened before I even met her, those are usually about him and so long ago. I’ve never thought so much or been so distracted by anyone. I honestly feel like she affects me in the most positive ways but I constantly worry that I negativity affect her life. The last thing I want to be is selfish but I also don’t want to be so passive that I see right past the truth.