Yesterday, I saw the eclipse with her and it was the most magical. Beyond what works could express. The clouds tried to get in the way but it quickly faded into a day that I could never forget.
Here’s some random songs that could be better:
Once I was driving and I saw the best shooting star just as the opening bars to this song played. I remember crying the softest tears to the piano.
I feel like this was a song that I originally learned at nap time from the country station:
One of my reps said something on Friday that I have been reflecting on all weekend. She was just making a joke but it was all too true.
I have been having a lot of emotional issues.. They come to light in the means of.. what my “recovery coach” calls ’emotional outbursts.’ We are working on trying to reduce the amount I have per day.. like I am an alcoholic or something. They don’t even know the amount of self medication I do… I limit that conversation to – I have tried it before… little do they know I try it every waking house that I can. Little shit sets me off. I feel swamped at work because, since I am skilled with computers and relatively smart – I have made it to some type of coordinator position. I coordinate about 20 people.. and well, since I can barely coordinate myself.. there are struggles.
A lot of people rely on me and when it all happens at the same time, I freak out. I loose all professionalism, but I am normally very nice so most people overlook it.
Only one person has ever pointed it out and tried to help me with it. He said.. When you are the captain of a ship, you have to remain calm in a disastrous situation. If the captain freaks out, so will the crew.
He was my last supervisor with tons of experience. I tried to control myself in front of him. Then he was promoted and now my supervisor is 8 years younger than I am with even less experience. He’s a smart guy that can keep his cool but I don’t think that he can teach me how to, so that’s why I ended up seeking professional help. I get embarrassed. I have ignored it and worked around it for the last 34 years of my life. Okay, we can shave 5 or 6 of those years off but I have always had oddities about me. I would have been labeled as high functioning autism so quickly if I was born 30 years later.
Anyway, it all started when she called me at work saying that I had the car seats in my car and she needed them because the 3 year old had therapy. I went and asked to go to lunch about 10 minutes early to resolve the issue and as I got out to the car, I realized that I had forgotten some papers that she had emailed me that she needed on lunch break. I called her to make sure that I had to go back and get them: I did.
From that moment on, it was an emotional roller coaster. I ran back up there to get my papers, rushed home driving recklessly. Its not safe. It’s not good for my vehicles.
My grandma always jokes that my cars never work. Between my budget and the way I treat them.. its really no mystery.
Well – what my agent said, was that the worst time to ask me for help is Monday morning. She said I was usually better after lunch. Little does she know I can’t drag myself out of bed in order to smoke enough to go to work on Monday’s so I have to catch up on lunch. Today, I took my medicine and an extra Xanax (prescribed) to help a little. After I calmed down, I started crying.
What I thought about over the weekend is about how I never remember to take my medicine on the weekends, so that Monday morning is the 48 hours without it. I take 2 anxiety/depression medicines daily and one is supposed to be twice a day.
Since people usually have new year’s resolutions, I guess the day after your birthday is as good as any. I really need to start taking my medicine right. I think I am fucking myself up more that I am helping.
Today, she has been on my mind. I wish that she would just say something. We have this struggle that I couldn’t even explain.