Words

I’ve never put someone else’s emotions first

• by admin • In Words •   0

As I reread my text to her, I wonder if she notices the changed that I have made for her.  It nearly too me 30 years to consider someone else’s feelings and I hope that I do an okay job of it.

Long before I ever discovered why I wasn’t invited places, she was going fishing somewhere south west of here.  I threw the biggest fit over text about that.  She said something like that I shouldn’t make her feel like shit just because she wanted to go an do something.

Those words cut so deep and I have tried to conscientiously be positive in all of my messages to her after that.  It’s not always easy and I am sure that I am not always perfect at it but I am pretty sure that it is the first time that someone was ever able to get through to me like that.

I have had a history of making mistakes with my words.  People think I am harsh, but I think the doctors call it anxiety.  My medicine has helped me a lot.  When my emotions don’t get out of control, I don’t seem to either.

The thought of hurting her is more that I can ignore.  I hope that she understands where I’m coming from when I cause trouble.  She has always been amazing at calming me down when I start to panic about whatever it is that I am making a big deal of at the time.

Sexuality is a strange thing

• by admin • In Words •   0

I read an interesting article today, unrelated to direct subjects, the reference and reaction of her ‘feminist husband’ is refreshing.

I Waited Until My Wedding Night To Lose My Virginity And I Wish I 

I try to be as open with her as possible.  Actually, I pretty much tell her everything that I can.  Still trying to figure out what I think about him.  Why I even think about him.  I suppose it’s because I am constantly reminded of him in her moments of extended silence.

Today I wrote her a deep email.  I told her about a recent, shocking dream, even though I couldn’t even get my description written out.  I mentioned December 17th to her.  Now I realize that remembering specific dates probably isn’t normal.  It’s a feared date or whatever ya call it. Not a happy one.  It is the day I realized what the internet could do.  It won.  I lost.

I also liked this article:

10 Ways Introverts Interact Differently With The World

I’d hang out with both of them, if that’s what it took.  I would  be as open-minded as possible hoping that he would be as sensitive as possible.  I have no reason to think that he wouldn’t.  I still hate his friends though.

Did you exchange a walk on part in the war for a lead role in a cage?

• by admin • In Dreams, Music, Rock, Words •   0

I rearranged my house so much today. I couldn’t help but think about how she said from one hoarder to another.. I hope that she isn’t really bothered by my stuff.. if she only knew how much I would do for her…

Currently, I am trying my damnedest to leave her alone. I miss her so much.. but I keep reminding myself of my dream, and hoping that some how all of that is true.

Tonight, I wanted, more than anything – to just tell her how much I wanted her to hold me.

When I thought about the dream more, I remember that she also said something like she would take perfect care of me one day.. which is weird, I don’t expect anyone to tell me that they will take care of me.

I started to have a sad look on my face when she told me that now was not the time. As I felt my face drop, she gave me this look.. a playful but serious look. It’s as if I completely understand her without words. She seemed to say, “This is not the time for that either..” I tried to act composed. She saw right through me but appreciated the efforts..

Like that – she was gone. I should be used to that by now. Would you believe that I actually thought that I was over being consumed with emotions?

The Sweetest Dreams

• by admin • In Dreams, Words •   0

Last night, before I went to bed, I sent her a quick email telling her about my Halloween and wished her sweet dreams.  I usually send her a text or an email each morning and night, since she is the first and last thing on mind.  Maybe its super annoying, but until she tells me so, I am convinced that it is romantic.

At some point after that, I had the sweetest dream about her:

She grabbed my face softly and said, “J—, I love you, I truly do…” that’s generally when I stop listening.  Even in my dreams, she says things like, “But now is not the time, please don’t doubt my feelings for you.”

Maybe that’s what I needed to hear, so my dreams manifested it.

It’s time to go breathe some fresh air – or eat some pizza

• by admin • In Words •   0

 

I often have to remind myself that I don’t know everything.  Sometimes, I don’t know a lot about a subject at all.  It’s never easy, but in the end, I end up convincing myself that she knows what’s best, I trust her opinion and that she would make the best decisions for her.  I have never trusted anyone like that.  I am more than amazed at the way I have handled everything, and the directions my thoughts generally go.   Today I am going to tell my story with crap I save off the internet..

1979677_525929480849727_1768997077_n

Continue reading →

Names, Dates, and Times

• by admin • In Movies, Words •   0

I like coming across lists like this. Too often lists on the Internet are boring. It reminds us to be thankful for what we have.

20 Signs You’re Succeeding In Life Even If You Don’t Feel You Are

I know that I have come an extremely long way. I wonder is that psychic that I talked to over 15 years ago was right about me settling down in my 30s.

Day number one of 30 doesn’t feel too bad. Of course all the people that tell me that I look 18 help that a little. Living in a college town and aging is a difficult process. Would she want to know that I would totally settle down with her. Often, I want to tell her that she knows the single me. She sees the romantic me come out from time to time, but she has never really known the dedicated and charming side.. or so I feel. This has all been rough and I think about it all too much.

I have quotes from “The Lake House” spinning in my head. I finally watched the first half and it was everything that I had imagined. I wonder if she has seen the movie..

It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want to

• by admin • In Music, Pop Rock, TV, TV Show, Words •   1

Why do I even care if T told me happy birthday before she did… She surprised me last year and I’m still holding my breathe.. and fighting my urge for pizza… and failing. I wonder if I piss her off… or could she find it romantic too? I’ve never feel like this before.

I want to learn how to make videos like this:

I wouldn’t dare tell anyone else that I downloaded Premiere… and stared at it for a minute. It was almost as overwhelming. How did this happen?

It amazes me – how the mind works. How do is it that over 10 years after I graduated, I start thinking about how he was moved into my algebra I class half way through the year in 7th grade with a bunch of other guys. Our class was all female before that. That was the first time he interrupted my energy.. They sat in the back at this long table. Why do I think about these things?

Internal battles are something else. I try to stay away from lifehouse, since, you know, I don’t want to get beat up – but it’s pretty much how I feel today. The only thing that I want to do is spend time with her.

I guess you never know

• by admin • In Medical, Words •   0

I’ve always known that I was different, everyone has always told me that I that I think differently.  As of lately, I have been trying to determine what makes me.. some impossible sometimes.  At first I suspected that I could have Asperger syndrome.  Recently, I have met a lot of friends that have kids that have been diagnosed with it and the symptoms are all too relate able.   Just now I ended up reading an article about ADD and wondered.. what if I have ADD.  I feel like a lot of people have been diagnosed with this.  Either way, if it just a crutch to rely on pharmaceuticals to avoid having to deal with your situations on your own?  I often feel guilty, but remind myself how much it helps.

20 Things to Remember If You Love a Person with ADD