Words

I don’t know how I do this.. or why

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This morning, my co-worker had a flat tire, so she called and asked for a ride home.  Before I left the house, I told my girlfriend that I would most likely be taking her home on my way home.  It was just about 15 minutes before I was scheduled to leave when I received a text message stating that my girlfriend may need to go to the ER.  I didn’t see this because I was working but 6 minutes before work ended, I received an email to my work email saying hurry home, “I need to go to the ER.”  I asked what happened and she replied, “Extreme pain may be cyst may be more I feel dizzy and nauseous due to it.”  So I told her that I had to take my co-worker home but I would be there as soon as possible because it was on the way.

As I am driving home, I message her 15 minutes after leaving work to tell her I am exiting. She says that she can barely move, so I ask her to tell the kid to get his shoes on and make sure that she doesn’t need an ambulance all over text message while driving.  Something in her words makes me realize it seems like she expects me to stay at the hospital with her and her 2 kids.  At first I thought I was rushing home to babysit so that she could go.  Then I realized she probably couldn’t drive so I was offering to driver her there.  Since I had not had so much a bathroom break in hours, I started to panic because I had sitting down and relaxing on the toilet scheduled in my near future.  Now I do not see a chance to use the restroom in sight and I am envisioning having to take care of 2 small children that can not behave at home in a hospital waiting room for hours.  I have never sat in a hospital waiting room for anyway, so the idea of dragging children there when we live less than 10 minutes away was bizarre.  Somehow when I texted her telling her that I had to shit, and I couldn’t do that at a hospital with 2 kids, she said “What” So I called because I was nearly wrecking my car trying to text her and rush home.  Apparently, I yelled at her and she hung up on me.  I came home, tried to get her son to put his bike away and clean his shit out of the bathtub because nothing disgusts me more than him crapping his pants at 7 years old, staying in it for way too long and then bathing and leaving chunks of shit in the tub..  When his bike gets stolen because he likes to display it in the front yard, I will laugh.  If he gets sick from playing in his poop, I won’t be surprised..

Fast forward to after I have changed the babies shitty diaper, she is only 3, so I guess I will forgive this, and after I have dressed her – we are all finally in the car and now I have done something to make my girlfriend not want to go to the hospital and demand to go home.  I take her to the hospital anyway, but she refuses to go in.  We drive back home, and she just lays in bed refusing to speak to me.  I guess I will go feed her kids and stare at the computer until I go to bed.

What is the point?

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Somehow, I feel, that I am really getting the raw end of the deal here.  As we approach my girlfriend’s seven-year-old son’s birthday in less than 48 hours, I am perplexed with what to do about dealing with each kid crapping themselves daily.  The 2-and-a-half-year-old is one thing but the seven-year-old is a bigger problem.  With little to no disciple, they keep me running continuously if I am home.  I have about 14 call center agents that do that same to me at work and in the end, I am more than done with this exhausting schedule.

Friday, the two-year old’s father is scheduled to fly in at midnight so that he can take her back to WA state to visit.  It is beyond me as to why he chooses to fly in on the seven-year old’s birthday nor can I understand what makes him think that he should stay for 5 entire days when I couldn’t even stay him being in my gfs house for more than a day and now that I have moved in, I am stuck.  Months ago, I made it clear to my brother that he always had a place to stay with me and he has finally accepted that he needed to some stay at my house, which is now someone else’s house that I stay n and primarily pay for but that’s neither here nor there.  When Friday arrives, my brother is expected to give up his bed to the ex-boyfriend that decided to crash the party.

I can only hope that my brother is understanding and does not take it personally.  I had no idea that his bed was spoke to when I offered it to him.  While I was folding clothes, I realized what my biggest problem with him is.  My girlfriend loves to control me by my emotions if she likes to admit it or not.  It’s hard not to fall in love with young children that you take care of so often.  I feel like it’s even harder when their future is uncertain and you are currently providing for them.

Months ago, after a fight, she made it very clear that if I were to leave her, I would never see her kids again.  She is quick to say that I am their mother or try to include me in the family, but the minute you exclude me from their future because of our relationship status, is the minute I no longer feel safe to love them or even respected.

My time had been interrupted but I feel like its completely unfair that I love then, support them, take care of them and their biological fathers are guaranteed to be part of their lives but I am not because I did not create them.  This is the type of double standard that is going to ultimately drive me away.

she left today

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e753a282deb03b37b62d956af268a1adIts been a long two weeks and shes on her way back to be with her family. It was a bittersweet change of events. I’m already planning my trip out to see her.

We spent time together before she left and she said all of the things that I have been waiting to hear.  It was relieving to know the truth.  There were so many times that I was afraid that I was completely alone and obnoxious…

Despite popular opinion, chivalry is not dead

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The best romantic gestures, are those that occur accidentally. My break from work is not that long, so I will keep this short, but sometimes we don’t even realize that we are doing something sweet, until we read it online. 9 Chivalrous Habits Of A True Gentleman That Make Women Melt. When I walk with my niece or any other child that I love, I would never think twice about walking closer to the street than them.. so I don’t see why it would be surprising to do it for the lady you love. I would never compare her to a child, but they are both people that I would do anything to protect.