Tonight I did a thing. It wasn’t really for the Easter spirit but more to see her smile and it just happened to be a convenient excuse. I’ve had this necklace charm for a while now for her. It is of the trolley in SF and when you hold it up to the light, there is a picture of the golden gate bridge.
I put it on a silver chain that I had in a box from when I was a kid, because to me that is more important than anything I could currently buy – which isn’t too much due to the Corona Virus crap. Then I wrote a few notes and put it in a plastic container. After I had a dream of hiding it for her in an egg – I found a plastic egg in my house and planned to do just that. As I sat her last night, I decided I needed it to be more fun – so I created a mini beach in the egg. Well, I took some clean sand that I have on hand for when I change out the gecko tank so I filled it up half way, I searched my house for a packet of salt and added it in there with a note that said “Mini beach, just add water.”
The notes I added were mainly to be hilarious – I think she will enjoy them.
Then I put my plastic treasure box and my mini beach in the egg and sealed it up. No one has seen that part yet. I proceeded to seal up the egg with electrical tape and decorate it. Now it looks like the artistic mess that one might expect to come from me. Once the design started smearing, I put it in a plastic bag – so let’s see how this goes.
Then I took it and hid it at an abandoned house near hers that we talk about from time to time.
Naturally, I messaged her this wonderful treasure map and told her where to find my magical egg. There will be no bean stock but I hope that it beings happiness to her weekend. I have never really done anything like that before but in my heart, I thought it would be remember-able.
you are the one-way glass that watches me standing in line at the bank
I always looked into your glasses like a cat looks into a fish tank
but all i could ever see was the specter of me reflected
I want a monument of the friendship that we never had, erected
• byadmin • InWords • Comments Off on Four Hours Until 6 Years Old
Tomorrow marks six years since I started writing here. Since I appreciate the historical value or any information, I had to go back and read my first post once again. I don’t remember that day well. We must have been walking. When I read this, I feel like it must have been near our intersection – which is just some random intersection that we happened to meet at each time we walked to each other. I am sure I cried so hard that day. Little did I know that it was the first in many days that I just wouldn’t l wouldn’t know how to handle.
The one that I handled the best was the most recent. I don’t think that I completely believed her and I was walking on the square downtown during lunch and for all I knew she could see me from the bakery she had been working at. I still remember the words from that text that arrived on July 27, 2017. The words she used gave me a cult like chill – but I knew better to think too far into it. I knew she did not want me meddling in her personal life and I did my best to respect that. As I sulked away, believing it wouldn’t last long – I had no idea that it would be more than a year before I would hear from her again.
She actually told me that she gave someone my number for a website somewhere in there and that was good enough for me, I was just happy that she knew my number still…
Then time past. I got laid off. Went into a pretty decent depression and my brother was freaking the fuck out – drugs were involved. When I felt like I was at my breaking point, she popped back up. Since then, I have decided that I will hang into every word she said and jump without looking back. I am without reservation when it comes to this lady and if it hurts a little along the way, I am perfectly fine with that.
I tell myself that I am going to marry her one day – and I hope she believes it too. It’s the first time in my life that I have ever considered such a thing – and I am sure that it is anything but expected – but I stopped caring about that long ago.
• byadmin • InWords • Comments Off on Digital Dismemberment
“…and in this case, the word digital is referring to fingers.” The district attorney said as he bent his index finger. A word that seemed so common suddenly haunted me. It will be 3 years ago on the 15th that I sat in that room and listened to the gory detail. I knew that it was affecting me and I knew that I didn’t want to eat lunch that day but I didn’t realize that it may have affected a little more.
Eventually I was able to block it out and stop thinking about every detail that I did my best to keep to myself. I wonder if my psychiatrist has already hear the details from someone else that has had to hear them. I had almost forgotten about the smirk in her mugshot that just exacerbated my hate for her. The realization that my mother could have killed me in some psychotic rage so many times in my life really put a lump in my throat. But that had all faded…
Until about two weeks ago when the murderous mother’s capital murder trial started. It wasn’t very publicized and I fear that there could be more details that others will have to stomach – but I realize, if they knew in March of 2017, then I probably already know everything. I read the articles as they were posted. My closest friends talked me about it because they knew that it was a case that was all too close to my tunnel vision little mind. The photos of her changes and at least now she looked uncomfortable. How could she do that and then smile? How does the child’s grandfather feel. Is the father surviving? It has been over 3 years since their baby was taken away from them – my family would have been destroyed if something had happened to my brother and I through out all of the domestic issues.
It takes me right back to that room, where we turned and looked up at the TVs mounted on the wall. We were listening to the 911 call but staring at an audio player. We were all fixated on the green line bouncing with the voice. She tells them that she killed her daughter on the phone. No one in that room could handle what they were hearing that day.
Since I have trailed off finding this quote, I will leave it hear and quit talking about the loss of this baby. When I searched her name I found articles as far as the UK talking about how horrid her smirking mugshot was. It’s not the expression itself, its after being paired with the crime that makes it unbelievable. If it were fiction, then the writers would be doing a great job of grasping my emotions but since it is not that is all I will say about that.
“A case like this leaves an unforgettable mark on everyone involved, especially the child’s family.” he said. “Every law enforcement member who worked on this case will forever be traumatized by what Ms. Villanueva did to her innocent daughter. I commend all the investigators and officers who endured this horror with calm professionalism so that justice could be done.”
Something has got to change. I work too hard to feel this way about my house.
I started a list when I was upset about Couch Boy that I never intended to give him but more to collect my thoughts for when I could bring up such items, hopefully not all at the same time, that’s quite overwhelming for anyone.
Please Stop:
Leaving wet clothes in the washer
Leaving the coffee pot on when no one is home
Putting the toilet seat behind the metal bar of the shelf thing
Moving items to new locations like the mops
Putting plastic bags under the sink (roaches)
Please:
Take the dogs out before you leave the house
Lock the door behind you if you won’t be home before 8 PM
Leave the lights on in the living room between 10 AM and 10 PM on weekends
A friend was over and saw my list. She read it and laughed and said the he complains about half of the items I am irritated with. The thing is, I have set up my life so that I don’t need anyone else and by the looks of people around me, that doesn’t seem to be a common practice – so the fact that I help out nearly 6 other people on a daily basis is starting to get to me.
The reason that I mention this is that I have never asked for anyone that lives with me, 3 of those 6, for any money for bills or rent – I just pay it all despite their electricity consuming habits, internet addictions and disregard for manners when it comes to food that I primarily buy. I can’t tell you how many times I have come to eat something that I bought for the first time and it is already completely gone. At this point, I feel like i have 2 teenage sons – one with a part-time job that can not afford to pay him. The problem is that they are about 36 and 32 and I am not getting any younger either, but I am somewhere in between and should not have to deal with this shit from either of them, but definitely not Couch Boy.
The part that really bothered me was when she went on to tell me that he felt dehumanized because I let my friend, Willa, stay in my brother’s room for the night to watch some TV show that wasn’t kid appropriate. She was having to bunk with the 8 year old next-door because the 4 year old’s grandma was there and took the couch. I had plenty of room, it seemed normal to offer to let her stay in my makeshift room that I have organized for my brother.
I put a TV in there and she used the Xbox to watch some Zoo show. It was nothing the 8 year old needed to see – but somehow, I didn’t tell my guest that is wearing his welcome. I picked him up in January, so maybe it’s about that time. He used to be appreciative and clean. He would always do the dishes and mop the floor but now he is dehumanized when I let someone stay at my house without running it through him.
He must think that he has some sort of say around here. If I was staying somewhere for free, which I haven’t ever except when I lived with my dad until I was 21 because school said that I had to be there or in a dorm, and well, I was too straight-phobic for that. They would have probably hated me and I am not about to go somewhere I think someone will hate me, so I stayed home, but I have been working since I was 16 and I haven’t taken many breaks – ever, so when I see people spending years of their life living off of me, I start to get defensive.
I think that my psych would be proud. The only thing I got out of our visit the other morning was that I needed to set boundaries. He said it in a tone that meant he knew that it was easier said than done but at least we were on the same page. Every time I go in there – he asks me a series of questions about my sleep and my social interactions. I feel like he wants me to say more because then he says things like, “Sounds like you are married to your work, its okay, a lot of us are.” We talked about my mom – so far I have not found anyone that has given me any trouble about what I did – but I know people can tell it bothers me, because I have gotten plenty of reassurance.
Maybe jail is the best place for her. My texts have ran out and I don’t really want to spend the money that I have on them. Her last text said to use her card information to spend $50 out of her account, she insisted. She knows that our texts cost 50 cents each way, I remind her because sometimes each of us forgets, at least I do. I see her text and reply with my first sentence thought and then realize that I just paid 2 cents a character.
I can’t tell you how many times I have been called selfish in my life, even while over giving to help someone. It boggles my mind. I am sure that I am selfish, because that sounds efficient to me, but if I was so selfish, I feel like I would have a lot more at this point.
I’m not sure if today got much better. I went with my dad and brother to eat lunch at Industry, despite my lack of flexibility in my pallet.. I ate something there – and it wasn’t that strange. Alright, so I ate a baked potato and picked the over priced chicken off of it but who cares, right?
When she came back from house hunting in Austin, she acted like she didn’t treat me like complete shit screaming at me in the middle of our small apartment complex in front of my brother after asking her to stop. She came right in my house, without knocking and joined me and a friend in my room while we were hanging out. My friend was about to leave, so she left and she stayed with her friend. At some point her friend brought her 4 year old over and I was trying to get them to leave because I did not want to hang out but they did not get a clue so I turned off the light in my room and walked out, leaving them sitting in the dark. I started playing a PS2 game as if it didn’t just happen.
My brother and I played a few NES games until we couldn’t get them to work anymore – but I read something today about unlicensed games overheating in NES and it was this unlicensed game that is 143 NES games in one. It’s nice but doesn’t always work – so then we switched to the PS2 and just like that our video game progressed 15 years. The difference in the graphics and types of games are insane. I can’t even imagine what the new ones are like – I can not handle them yet. My newest system that I use is an original Xbox which was late 2001.
I saw this image on a friend’s facebook page. I saved it on my computer to remind me. It’s not that I need a reminder. I need a spine..
I can’t remember the last time that it was said but one thing that she loves to say to manipulate me is – “You are just as crazy as your mom.” It is so hard for me to open up to anyone about my mom because, its awkward enough for me to have to hear people react to things, but somehow, one way or another, it is always used against me. I don’t think that I talk about my mom much. Most people don’t know much about her. When people that I went to high school with hear about my brother passing away or about my sister, they get confused and ask questions. “I thought Brian was your only brother.” Yeah – well, we didn’t really talk about them much.
I was in 5th grade when my dad decided to move us from New Braunfels to Canyon Lake to get away from my mother. Before that, she was getting drunk and beating my dad, what felt like weekly, but I can’t say that I really know – I was between 6 and 12 years old. I remember a lot of it in great detail, but I don’t know if it is because I lived it or because I have heard stories – but I am quite sure that I remember it. My dad was offered a job by a man in Canyon Lake months prior and he took it. His new boss was helping him relocate closer to the job but he knew that he had to be strategic with this move. He found the smallest place possible, so that he knew that my mom and her kids couldn’t possibly follow. It was a decision that was hard for him and may have haunted him since, but he knew that he had to do it to save us and himself.
The school district was about a year behind the one that we were in so we spent a year relearning the same stuff. We were smart enough to realize this meant we were now behind and we hated it. The kids in our new neighborhood were trouble makers and sucked my brother in quickly. We did what we wanted and took care of ourselves. My dad paid $14,000 for that lot and trailer. I can’t imagine such a price tag, but we were poor and as soon as we entered middle school, I knew it.
My mom started showing back up after I graduated high school or as I was finishing it. I believe there was some sort of child support for her younger two that was to blame for that. My next memory of her was around 1999 when my grandfather had passed away. She was never a considerate or compassionate person and we never really got along until I was the only one left that had any sympathy for her. That day, in ’99, I was in my kitchen and she was at my house for whatever reason. My grandfather had just died suddenly and she made some smart ass remark. I don’t know if I raised my first at her or if I just bucked up to her but I was about to punch her in the face. That is the only moment in my life that I have almost hit someone. My dad was right there and begged me to stop, at the time, I outweighed her by at least 20 lbs and I had watched her beat my dad my whole life. It was not the moment to mess with me – she looked scared, and then I just walked away back to my room.
I have never actually had a physical altercation with my mother, but I am the only one that hasn’t. She has tried to fight with my dad nearly my whole life and he has only defended himself, if that. As we grew up, all of my other siblings have found themselves back under her roof for some reason or another (my father’s roof – she has never had a stable job). She has ended up in jail after calling the police because she thought Brian was fighting with her. The police seem to arrest the drunk one, and there she went that time. They always let her out on a PR bond. My dad thinks that they don’t want to put up with her. She has fought my sister countless times, a few when my sister was pregnant. Stephen.. left early, when he came here to get clean from heroin, but they couldn’t stop fighting so he went back and died within days of returning.
When Stephen died, she started to lose it. We all started to question life and way too much. My dad still struggles and feels like he abandoned them back in 1995, but what could he have done? They ended up in foster care for several years. The things my sister tells me is hard to even listen to.
By June 30, 2016 – which happened to be 32 years after my parents married and 17 years after my grandfather passed away – my mom was causing more problems. The cops were called again, mid day and ended up telling my dad to leave “because he had somewhere else to go.” Which meant he was the one with the car, but he was rightfully upset because it was also his house. We talked to him on the phone and realized how upset he was – so my brother and I got in the car and headed to his house. When we entered the house, we could hear my mom’s loud-drunk talking to herself but she had not realized it was us. I called the police on my way out there so we were just waiting for them. My brother made me wait outside because we didn’t want her to attack us thinking that we were our dad. When the police showed up – she started spouting shit off. I told them I wanted a psych eval on her or whatever they could do because she was a danger to herself and my dad. She left in an ambulance for her second check now – I took her to the hospital after getting direction from the crisis line the first time only for them to force me to go pick her up the next day. Same thing happened this time but I wouldn’t take her back to my dad’s house this time.
Every time, they would shoot her full of Ativan and then check her.. she was calm as fuck – of course they said she was fine and released her. A sedated wild dog is fine too.. So I took matters in my own hands. I put her at the Motel 6 and paid for it with help from my dad. That only lasted a few weeks, because at $300 a week, soon, we couldn’t afford that anymore. I was trying to get her into the woman’s shelter but both counties had some argument to explain why they couldn’t take her. Eventually, some old friend from grade school that used to live next door to her said she could come live with him – because she lied and said how horrible her life was here.. at this point, I am sure he is very aware.
I have to look her up from time to time to see if she is in jail. I have randomly checked multiple times after not hearing from her for a while to find out that she is in jail. I have set up an account so that I can text her in jail. Last time I thought she was going away for a long time because she was told that the next time would be her 3rd strike, but that came and went. https://www.columbusga.gov/sheriff/Inmates.htm
There’s a reason I don’t talk about my mom much. There aren’t many nice things to say about her and her life has turned out to be quite tragic and sad in my eyes. I wish that I knew what to do for all of these people hurting for deeply around me, but if I watch too long, I just cry myself.
Weeks ago, Maddison asked me if she could borrow rent money and a little extra until March 7th. I agreed because she always makes me think that her kids will be without if I do not help her. The reason that she is low on money is because she helped her new chick with $300 in rent and has sent countless amounts of money on her – so much so that she doesn’t have rent or any other money. She knows that I have the ability to help, even though I have done my best to keep how much money I have a secret from her, because I know that she will try to find ways to spend it.
This new girl isn’t someone that she is dating, but someone that she sleeps with and spends all of her money on. I would rather not know that but she makes certain to tell me every detail and gush about her way too often. She is going to look at houses in Austin – I can only hope that she finds one and moves soon. Her lease is up in July – but her grandma gives her whatever money she needs.
She came to my window – in the non sweet way, saying my name to wake me up to ask me to go get her money. Out of laziness, I told her that I would give her my card to go get it but then couldn’t find my wallet. She grew increasingly mad, even though it has been over an hour since that happened and she still hasn’t left yet. She yelled at my window to open my door. I walked to the front door and she started screaming at me outside of our houses. She was yelling that I was a psycho bitch that needed to get help. That was because I told her that she only needed to take out $800, which is $25 over her rent. She asked how she would get through the week. I told her that I would buy her what she needed, but that was all the cash I was comfortable with giving her. She said, “No, it doesn’t work that way.” I know for a fact, that she is trying to get money out of me so that she can go buy things for this girl and I am not having it. If she thinks that I am crazy for trying to protect myself from her than so be it.
Let the record show – she never “made me complete” but I really don’t think anyone needs me to point that out.
I fell asleep watching TV at her house last night. She’s diagnosed bi-polar and has not found a medicine that works well for her, but I don’t know how much more I can take. I made a folder on my computer were I saved her phone call recordings and messages in today. She made so many threats to “fuck up my life,” I have no idea what she is planning. She constantly calls me a psycho bitch and I am just tired of it. I had a lot to do today, but I still stayed up with her at her house watching TV. She sleeps all day and doesn’t work so she can’t sleep at night and wonders why.
Even when I am asleep, she talks to me all night long. The last thing that I remember her saying was that she had to be up in a few hours. Before any alarms went off, her 4 year old climbed in bed with us and laid in the middle. She woke me up to tell me she peed. She is potty trained but has been peeing the bed a lot lately, so pull ups it is. I got up, changed her, she thanked me and went to sleep. Once her brother was up by 6:20 getting ready, she was bouncing off the walls and I was not ready for all that.
I was trying to sleep, so I can’t even place when it all went wrong. I think I offered to get her dressed so that I could leave. She complained that it was no help to get her dressed early because she would just lay down (mom) and fall asleep instead of taking her to school. Apparently this is now my problem, I try to offer to call her to make sure she is up and things because she constantly complains about her life and it’s just who I am to offer suggestions. She was screaming at me so much, I can’t even remember what she was saying. I wanted to leave but then she starts screaming about how I am abandoning them and walking out of their lives and all of this incredibly dramatic things for me just wanting to sleep because I had to take my swab mouth test today and I was not going to smoke all day – so sleeping would make that a whole lot easier. Instead, I woke up at 6:20 AM to get screamed at for an hour – guess what didn’t help me not want to smoke – that.
Eventually I just walked out because I couldn’t handle it anymore. She proceeded to send me facebook messages that were less than nice. Luckily, I was able to fall asleep and I thought that I would at least have a little bit of peace because I thought we were no longer speaking.
I had a vet appointment for my dog. Turns out she busted a ligament in her knee which is why she has been limping for a few weeks. The options were surgery or medication to keep her comfortable. With a price tag of $2,600, I had to decide against the surgery – but I am not really into surgery unless its required. There are too many risks involved, especially at her age. I have had her for about 8 years and she was not a puppy when I got her. They gave her medicine for inflammation and joint health. I was headed home from the vet when she starts asking me what I ordered and said it looked like drugs. I assured her that I did not order drugs. She had been going through my mail and decided she needed to know what something was she found in a package.
The truth was, I had no clue what I ordered. Sometimes, Ebay is dangerous. I haven’t bought much on it in years – but in 2019 – I have bought a few things, just because I can. Once I realized what she was talking about, I told her they were just some rock thing. Then she wanted to know what I was going to do with them – once again, I had no answer. Art…
This leads me to ask her why she is going through my mail if we are no longer talking. She denied that was ever the case. She still has my mail at her house and will not respond to me to give it back. Mainly, I also had this NES game that I have been waiting on and I would really like to play it – but now it is being held hostage because “of my attitude.”
I have put a call recording app on my cell phone, because of the things that she says to me. Today she kept saying that if I am going to keep playing these games, she is going to fuck up my life more than I could ever imagine. I asked her why she was threatening my life but she just said, I’m not threatening your life – you will still be alive.
She has claimed that she is going to pay her cell phone bill back to December once she gets her tax return, but she hasn’t even filed yet. The phone is still on, I am still paying it for her – because I am scared of what she will do if I stop. When she gets mad, she tells me that she is never going to pay her part of the phone bill. It is getting close to $500 at this point because she wanted unlimited and a Note 9 – and what did my dumb ass do? I had already bought her a Galaxy S7 Edge but as soon as that was paid off she needed a Note 9 and more than $500 is still owed on that as well.
When I talked to the prosecutor and signed the Affidavit of non prosecute, it asked if I had lost any money due to this – I really wish I remembered exactly what it said. I kept trying to get her out of trouble, so I would answer the obvious answer on everything. I don’t think that I should have tried so hard to sign that. It wasn’t easy but she pressured me every day and acted like we were friends. She actually acted like we were in a relationship. I signed it on December 13th. I thought we were together. It was January first that I was made aware that we had broken up in November. I couldn’t even remember how we got back together to start with because I had left for several months after the fight happened. I am scared of her. Scared because she is so unstable and does not seem to think about real life consequences. She doesn’t think that rules apply to her. She does not have a drivers licence. Her registration is expired but she drives daily.
The day that she started to retaliate because I made it clear that I was aware she was going to the new girls house to have sex while she manipulated me in watching her children overnight – I went up to victim services. I told them that she may make fault claims against me because she is mad at me. Her best friend feels bad for me and tells me things once in a while so that I don’t get completely taken advantage of. She warned me that Maddison was going to ask me for money. Apparently she thinks that I have too much money and she doesn’t have enough. I almost gave her a few hundred too. She told me she had $7 to her name and she would pay me back by the 7th, but at this point, she owes me so much money for the damn phone bill – how can I ever trust her to pay me back at all.
At least a year ago, I put my name on her Chase bank account because I needed to deposit a check from my 401K and my credit union wasn’t on their list. To be safe, the banker put my name on multiple accounts – I think it was 2 that she had. In January, when she started seeing this girl – she went crazy with her money. I don’t know exactly what she did but I think that it involved the square app and PayPal but somehow she over drew each of these accounts at least $1000. I have no idea what happened because I do not have access to these accounts, but I am getting calls now and they are going to close the accounts if I don’t make a deposit in full – so I guess I will deal with that when it hits my credit.
It pissed me off when her friend told me that yesterday, as she was spending all of her money, she said – “I will just get money from Jen, she has 9 grand.” Number one – I don’t have 9 grand and number two, why would she know how much money I have… It just makes me mad. Then she screams at me that I never want to help when she needs it – referring to me wanting to go home at 7 AM instead of 7:30 because she thinks I need to personally make sure she wakes up and takes the kid to school.
I do believe I passed my mouth swab and the strangest thing happened. The lady said – “If you do smoke, just know they will give you a UA again when you are hired on.” I appreciate the warning but the hiring manager also covered that with me. I guess they really want me to study for that test.
I have been doing a awful job at controlling my emotions today. Just now, I got in a fight with Jeremy, deleted his number and blocked him on facebook per his request. He has been asking me to come help him clean out his garage since I lost my job. I don’t think he understands that I am usually either sleeping, talking my brother off a ledge, taking care of kids, or applying for jobs. Today, will be the first day that I do something that I want to do and I am completely nervous, because I know that I should be completely mortified. As I wrote it, I didn’t think anyone would take time to care to look. I know that in my darkest moments, I begged for her attention, and its not something I am proud of.
So – Jeremy wanted me to come over to help him move things out of his garage. I am not his only friend, mind you. While I was up from taking the 4 year old to school, I texted him asking if 10 AM was good. I set an alarm and when it went off, he hadn’t replied so I went back to sleep. He sent a message that said how about 11:30 that I read at 11:30, I replied telling him I was going to take a shower and then come by. I called him because he didn’t reply. He had called our mutual friend looking for me, which is creepy too because she lives in Kyle and I rarely see her – but she told him that I had plans to go to lunch later so somehow that made him think I was calling him to blow him off. My plans weren’t for another hour and a half and he wanted me to help him move a few couches, so I can’t imagine how they are related in the least.
When I called him, he interrupted what I was saying and says in his diva tone, “Hana told me that you made other plans to go eat, Matt is here, don’t worry about it.” Since I had been trying to contact him about coming over to help all day, I was extremely offended, so I said, “No I don’t have lunch plans, I was calling to come over and help you but fuck it.” and hung up on him. Apparently he didn’t like that very much because he texted me and told me to lose his number because he didn’t deserve that treatment. Now – that is debatable. This is a guy that fights over my time more than any man has before. We fought a week or two ago because I hurt his feelings by not hanging out enough. I explained to him that he is the only person’s house I go to at all. The last thing I need is more controlling people in my life.
