On top of everything else, my father has a tooth infection. It was hurting him last night when he was driving the bus, this morning, he started passing out multiple times and waking up on the ground. He texted me at work to tell me and I called my brother to go out there. He took him to the dentist and got 4 teeth pulled but keeps passing out all the time. My brother throught that he died once and was going to pull him out of the car and start doing CPR on him. I am terrified but now my brother wants me to go out to his house to watch him because he doesn’t think he should be alone.
One year ago today, I visited my grandmother in the hospital and tried to stay strong. She was perfecting fine compared to todays standards. I am terrified to know what next year will look like.
• byShe Says • InUncategorized • Comments Off on I just shouldn’t think anymore tonight ’cause
Today makes 2 years from when – when.. when my world changed and I stopped trusting men completely. A former roommate’s trial is already over. He is spending 60 years in prison but it doesn’t make it any better and it doesn’t help my deep level of fear of people that I thought I once trusted.
It’s still hard to talk about. I see her sons often. One is still in high school, the other is in college and her daughter that saw it all happen and called the police is off in some other state with a father she barely knows – life is fucking hard and when I can’t calm down and I am ready to do whatever it takes there is a deep seeded reason that I can’t even fully talk about 2 years later.
I also ask myself why I looked at that bullet hole in the fence – that story is a really rough one for me.
Something happened last Sunday after I tried to go to this place again. It was quite devastating and it made last week the longest ever. Now I am panicked and afraid on a level that I can not even talk about because I can’t verbalize it nearly for superstitious reasons but I just can’t let certain works leave my being. I am so scared and questioning what the right things is – I am well aware of my limitations but that just keep me at a distance for her.
The other day the 90s station on XM played the following song, before that – I had only heard it on the duet with Melissa Etheridge. The play list continued to interest me:
At first, I thought it was ridiculous that I would listen to an internet psychic. Its not like I actually listen to anything specific but I tend to enjoy her messages.
The whole reason that I started this website, blog, mess, talking to my self situation, was to help me stop contacting her so often when she’s… doing her own thing. It looks like October is going to be an active month. It didn’t seem to help me sleep any better – at night. Maybe that’s because I slept all day. This being normal thing is quite difficult.
As I approach 3 AM, I’m going to post a hand full of cheesy songs, so I sure hope I have some leeway when it comes to being cool. I really listen to some bad music sometimes. Here’s to being secure and not giving a shit.. since no one will ever read this anyway.
I’m used to being laughed at, it’s really not that bad. Here’s my heart break compilation. I’m just going to hold my breath until she misses me.
Sometimes I feel so guilty for having feelings for her. Then again, I never know her relationship status so it’s always quite confusing. It creates the largest battle inside me.
Have I already said that all that I want is to fall asleep in her arms while she touches my face softly?
…pull put some hope for me.
Sometimes I wonder how I survived high school without getting beat up…
My brother used to sing this song at karaoke. It must be cool – I guess. He may be the answer to the previous question. He was pretty intimidating and grew up in Timberwood so he knew all those rich kids.
If you only knew how I really felt about all those guys.
I’f I couldn’t sleep, could you sleep?
I know that you’ve got me…
and before I go lay down to dream about her. I will end this depressing ass shit with my favorite song by matchbox twenty. yeah, its true, i like all of these things. she can laugh at me anytime that she wants to.
The challenge is to think about the opportunity cost when I start to feel like I should fight back, say something… stand up for myself.
But I consider how she must feel – and I stop myself every time.
There’s a line in the song that reminds me of something that her friend said the night that we were at the bar together. It gave me a lump in my throat and I had to walk away – that’s generally when I excuse myself to go to the restroom. I can’t handle a lot of things well…
