Post-grunge is a derivative of grunge and a style of alternative rock and hard rock that began in the 1990s. Originally, post-grunge was an almost pejorative label used to describe bands that emulated the grunge sound. During this time, bands like Bush, Candlebox and Collective Soul were viewed as post-grunge.
This morning, I woke up from a dream – my whole body was tense and it felt like I had been having the dream for hours. I knew who it was about but I couldn’t place any details other than I was trying to get her to tell me something.
A few hours after I had been awake, some of the dream started to come back to me. My love and I were talking to my grandma and my grandma made jokes asking when I was going to get married so that I could have her a great-grand baby. My love chimed in and said, “Yeah, you better hurry up, you aren’t getting any younger.” She giggled a little and I didn’t respond right away but when we were alone, I asked her what she had said when we were with my grandma. She shied away and wouldn’t tell me what she had said but smiled and said that I knew what she had said.
That’s really all that I remember but I think it was so much more than that.
The last couple of days have been challenging because I have a heart and now I know that some people will push you for all that you are worth, but hopefully that is all over. I haven’t had any free moments in peace, so this will be written a day after it is posted for.
Monday night, I had a dream that has only grown in detail since I first woke up and started remembering piece. It feels more like a distant memory. It was enough to make me look up vivid dreams.
When I looked into it, I only confirmed that they are in fact vivid dreams to say the least, which is why CouchBoy has said that he forgets his dreams nearly instantly where I have found myself thinking about a dream that I had days later, only to finally look up the basic themes to then laugh to myself and crawl back into my bed with my loving dogs but not without my attempt to show that I care about her deeply in different words.
So my dream the other night:
We had been talking on the phone, or talking verbally, I am not sure. I could hear her voice and she asked me to come over for a little while. I tried to make a light joke or two about why that would not be a smart move on my part but in just a few words she talked me out of common sense by reassuring me that she would never put me in harms way and I trusted her blindly and proceeded.
There was an ominous feel to walking up to her house. It was that of the knight walking up to an evil castle hesitantly. I looked back down the hill, knowing better than to proceed, but without much though – I walked up to her house and knocked softly. She opened the door near instantly. She hugged me and whispered that it was okay and lead me to the couch where we watched TV and played a game together that involved dice. I can’t remember a single detail about the game besides it involved multiple regular dice.
Eventually we stopped playing and started to nearly fall asleep watching TV. She told me that she was going to bed and I could either come with her or she’s understand if I wanted to go home. I looked at her confuse, as to ask her – why would I want to do that and nearly at the same time, we both looked back to the dark cave-like hallway. Our eyes met, neither of us said a thing, there was an exchange of facial expressions, she took my hand and lead me back to her bed. I can’t explain how emotionally seductive this moment was but it brought back feelings in my dream that I didn’t remember that I had.
Just as I expected, the elephant in the room, but she just climbed into bed with obvious distance from the elephant wanting TV and then pulled me close. I laid with my head on her chest and watched whatever was playing on TV. It didn’t seem as either of us were very interested in what was on TV but we tried ever so hard to act and be interested. It was silent besides a few giggles. I feel like I must have fallen right to sleep because the only thing that I remember about that part besides reminding myself that this was how people got murdered and there was just something symbolic there that can’t be found in a book but the one detail that I do remember was that I had my left hand up her shirt slightly, touching her stomach softly as my heart raced – because, once again, I thought – I might die if I do this – but I did it anyway. That’s what being gay in the country used to be like.
Let me tell you about how I have seen Boys Don’t Cry 1.5 times. That is because I was by myself the second time that I watched it and I did not make it through. I turned it off. It was a DVD or it would have still been at the half way point.
When I woke up and though about it more – I didn’t really think anything about playing games but DreamMoods.com seemed to think that was relevant. There was an entry on bedroom but I felt that was too generic and I am not about that life and then, since the most remember-able part of the dream is touching her stomach, careful not to move wrong while my heart raced – I decided to look up stomachs and then I wondered about how I would come up with this stuff.
The other day, I was fighting with Madd because she was bitching that she needed help packing and she wouldn’t be done in time but she was able to run off to some chicks house and stay out to whatever time the next day. I gave her hell about it because she expected me to pick up her slack and I wasn’t having it. At some point she called me jealous and I just dropped it because the last thing I wanted was for her to think I wanted her – then I realized – fuck – I am jealous. Not jealous of what she thinks I am. I was jealous that she could run off and see who ever it was she was going to see when I know that I shouldn’t even ask to see that lady that I can’t keep off my mind.
Board Games
To see or play board games in your dream signifies your progress in life. How you do in the board game is analogous to the setbacks and accomplishments in your waking life. Consider the name of the board game you are playing in your dream for additional significance.
Dice
To see or play dice in your dream suggests that you are taking chances and playing with fate. It refers to the unpredictability of life. The dream may also be a pun on a situation that may be getting too “dicey”. Consider the significance of the numbers reflected on the dice or how many dice were thrown.
Stomach
To see or touch someone’s stomach in your dream indicates that this person is trying to reach out to you. He or she is trying to connect o you on an emotional level.
Here are a few songs off of No Name Face a sound track that no one wants.
If it was the early 2000s, I would be so much more of a pain in the ass.
As I go to type some nonsense, this song plays in the back of my mind but I can’t quite recognize it. I am not sure what I finally typed in to find it, but I am glad that I did.
You’re falling out of reach Defying gravity, yeah
And then I took it from there –
And if I don’t make it known that I’ve loved you all along
And since I have watched The Craft on VHS and DVD over 1,000 times, I will include this favorite.
I’ve been having a really hard time lately. Its just been constant anxiety but I get through. Today, I found out that my mom is in jail again for ‘simple assault’ for the 3rd fucking time. I know that is not good but I can only hope that she gets the help that she needs.
On a completely unrelated note, my brother was singing to this song today and I fell in love with it. Now I am back to what I would consider imaginary issues that are nearly non existent at this point.
Now he is playing a song that I have seen send people into a PTSD breakdown.
Since I fear death for everyone around me so badly lately, just hearing him sing it brings tears to my eyes and a deep pain in my heart. My mother has suffered from alcoholism my entire life and all of my siblings have suffered from it in one way or another. I may not have a problem with drinking too much but I do have deep seeded issues with alcoholics.
His play list is getting to sad for me and leaving me crying… The only songs that I know that hurt more are in my brother’s memorial video. I can never hear those songs without difficulty.
Today, has been one of those days. A co-worker was out, so I was left juggling nearly 30 all center agents that all think they are the center of the universe. Really its probably only a quarter of them but it seems like a lot. I have been pissing people off left and right. After a long day of making my agents mad because they expect too much from me and getting yelled at and threaten by customers, I come home and have to deal with the two closest people telling me how much I don’t do for them. I offered to watch my sisters children during pride weekend and somehow ruined it and misunderstood when my brother wanted a ride to Subway so somehow I have ruined his night and he is going to starve. I didn’t respond appropriately, not that I even know what that would be. I cried some and then listened to the following songs. It started with a song that made me think about her the other day while I was in the grocery store. It reminded me of my blind and most likely stupid faith. The rest of the songs came on following it on YouTube. I would be lying if I said that it didn’t hurt when she said, “I don’t need you anymore and I don’t want you.” I suppose that would shock most anyone. Just give it time and I will find a way to fuck it up. I am pretty sure, I have always wished that someone thought about me when they heard this song..
For fun I decided to look up my horoscope today, because why not. I can’t feel like everyone hates me without blaming the universe or something, can I.
Since I am no longer a teenager, I was not sure where one would get a horoscope, so I just googled it and selected the Chicago’s news paper, because seems to be a legitment source:
Relations with others might be strained or aloof today. People are not sure which action to take or which direction to go. You probably feel the same way. Therefore, be ginger about whatever you do. Go gently. Avoid important decisions and avoid spending money on anything other than food or gas.
I have been spending time with her and it’s amazing, I couldn’t ask for anything more. The concert that leaves me with the fear of anxiety and the ‘unknown’ is approaching at alarming rates.
It’s really no secret that I love 90s rock alternative. Today a song that I have always loved came on the radio right before I arrived at work. It played perfectly up until the point when I had to turn off my car and the song was just ending. I like when that happens. On the subject of secrets, it was months after she told me not to talk about our relationship to others that I realized just why it was a bad idea to share concerns and worries with your friends instead of the lady that causes the feelings..
All of my friends judge me and well.. her, terribly — because they just don’t understand. How could they? I hardly understand, but I continue to believe that I have a firm grip on what’s important.
As my friend gives me a run down of the drama that has ensued in her life lately, it really gave me a perspective as to how shemight feel about the situation that we have ended up in.
It’s easy to feel like the victim when you feel like everything is going wrong and you just can’t understand why, but it’s much harder to step back and realize how your words and actions affect others. She has seen the fear in my eyes, but she has also seen the love.
Where did that point and purpose scurry off too? It is about that time where it has become lost again. There has been a few sayings that have given me hope and motivation lately. Last night I heard one in reference to my friend that is having some issues with her own romantical life… I know that is not a word, but it should be..
Someone told her, “If you are in love with two people at once, you should probably choose the second one.. because something was wrong with the first one to allow this to happen in the first place.” Now I don’t think those quotes should be on there, because the world knows that I can’t remember exactly what was said, but I heard what I needed to hear.
The other quote was in reference to enlightenment. I couldn’t even get close with that one because it was days ago but the gist was that one becomes enlightened when they can stop worrying about everything and start letting things take its course.. or thats what I got out of it anyway. Now it could just be the pills talking, but I have been feeling a lot better about things the more than she tells me, even if its hard to swallow at first. ..Everything happens for a reason.
In exciting news, I have plans to meet with my favorite lady today after work to get drinks at the coffee shop and go see her rockin new car today. Normally I would be more excited about the car.. but that’s not the case – that’s how you know it’s real.
and as for this lovely song.. She has never told me that she loved me before, except in my dreams.. hilarious but that’s a literal statement, however, if my opinion counts for anything, she’s told me that she loves me in so many more ways.. including a silent, wonderful look..
