Pop Rock

Pop rock is rock music with a greater emphasis on professional songwriting and recording craft, and less emphasis on attitude. Originating in the 1950s as an alternative to rock and roll, early pop rock was influenced by the beat, arrangements, and style of rock and roll.

It’s tearing me apart

• by admin • In Medical, Movies, Music, Pop Rock •   Comments Off on It’s tearing me apart

Tonight, I am up, watching my ex’s kid while she goes out with the new girl.  It was in the last year that I was diagnosed with PTSD, but it is also the first time I ever went to a psychiatrist.  I had my last appointment with him on Thursday.  He changed my medication from Lexapro to Zoloft.  Tonight, as I am reading about PTSD, I see that Zoloft is one of the four prescribed for it, so I can only hope that it helps.

Since I woke up this morning in a panic when Maddison came home at 6:11 AM from said girls house, I helped my brother by listening to him breakdown for a few hours and I can only assume that he is in there sleeping now.  I haven’t seen him in house.  I slept until about 4 PM and then eventually I went to dinner with Maddison, where she didn’t eat her food.  I spent my last $60 cash at Olive Garden and she bitched the whole time.  She wouldn’t hang out with me once we got back and then asked me to watch her kid so she can go out with this girl for a second night in a row.

She thinks I am being ridiculous and another word I can’t recall right now because I have turned my phone off.  I have cried so much in 2019, it is embarrassing.  There is this hysterical cry that I get into that makes my teeth feel numb from all of the air going across them – it was like that.  I don’t even understand why I care so much. I don’t know why it hurts so bad or why I feel so worthless all over again.

This morning when I was getting tacos and I started thinking about the fact that I couldn’t have been awake since 5:30 and that I must have been dreaming, I wanted to figure out how I woke up so awake and why I started crying so hysterically.  We watched “But I’m a Cheerleader” last night and they were talking about their root that made them gay. The movie is complete satire and I really want my hair like Clea DuVall all over again now, but anyway, it made me start to think about why I react the way that I do and trying to figure out what my triggers are.  I realized that I freak the fuck out anytime I go to bed while my partner, or in this case, ex partner is not home.  If I wake up in the middle of the night and they are not there, the reaction is both physical and mental in an extreme way.  I instantly imagine every possible, horrible situation.  The first time I really remember it happening is when Teal would go out with her co workers from Salt Grass and I would stay at home waiting for her to get home.  Once in a while I would fall asleep, and that was always worse.  I haven’t really had that many serious relationships, so besides Maddison staying out at the new girls house at all hours of the night, I don’t think that I have really had to deal with it too many other times.

When I try to figure out why this would happen, I keep going back to a memory that I can not even remember on my own.  Is it possible that a memory that you can’t even remember could cause awful PTSD issues?  I am sure there are more than one reason, many that are related but I’d imagine it all goes back to this one night, a night I have heard about my entire life.  It’s crazy how things like that can stick with you.  I can’t say the story is ever told in detail but it has come up several times in my lifetime.  It probably started with my mom hanging out with her work friends and partying.  I feel like she worked at a tool delivery company.  I don’t even really know what that means and one night she stayed out real late.  My dad couldn’t sleep and I was a young baby.  He slept on that couch waiting for her to come home and she never did.  That is probably the beginning of the end and may have a greater impact on my life than I had ever imagined.

I cried profusely when she made me take  her baby so she could go out with someone else.  I pro-actively went by a friends house to get enough green to last me though the long night ahead.  She texted me asking me if I knew where her black bra was, because I had helped her with her laundry.  That was twisting the knife that she had already stabbed in my back.  She lives next door to me.  I adore her children but I need to find a way to get away from her.  She manipulates me to the point that I am driving myself insane.  The psychiatrist asked me if I had any friends.  I felt like that was an embarrassing question, of course I have friends, tons.  The truth is, when I think about it, I know a lot of people.  A lot of people were sad that I got let go, but how many of them have come to visit or even messaged regularly?  She ran off most of my friends in the two and a half years that I was with her.  I don’t even feel like I like her as a person.  She doesn’t impress me and she constantly uses and hurts me – so why am I so worried about losing her in my life.

And I had a feeling that I belonged

• by admin • In Indie Folk, Music, Pop Rock, Soul music •   Comments Off on And I had a feeling that I belonged

Tomorrow, I take Dutchess in to get surgery on her fatty lumps and skin tags because they could be cancerous. This is all too much for me. Some dirty chick is nextdoor with the kids I love or out getting drunk with someone I thought cared about me a little more than she does. I want to go for a run but I am sad to say that I would rather not go out alone without anyone to tell where I am.. and well, right now, that’s where I am. I have no one to tell where I will be for the first time in a few years. I have been yearning for it and even begging for it and here I am – finding myself lonely. I told myself that I would do all these productive things if I had time to myself again, but instead I obsess over what she is doing and with whom.

The silicon chip inside her head gets switched to overload

• by admin • In Glam Metal, Hard Rock, Music, Pop Rock •   Comments Off on The silicon chip inside her head gets switched to overload

One of my reps said something on Friday that I have been reflecting on all weekend. She was just making a joke but it was all too true.

I have been having a lot of emotional issues.. They come to light in the means of.. what my “recovery coach” calls ’emotional outbursts.’ We are working on trying to reduce the amount I have per day.. like I am an alcoholic or something. They don’t even know the amount of self medication I do… I limit that conversation to – I have tried it before… little do they know I try it every waking house that I can.  Little shit sets me off.  I feel swamped at work because, since I am skilled with computers and relatively smart – I have made it to some type of coordinator position.  I coordinate about 20 people.. and well, since I can barely coordinate myself.. there are struggles.

A lot of people rely on me and when it all happens at the same time, I freak out.  I loose all professionalism, but I am normally very nice so most people overlook it.

Only one person has ever pointed it out and tried to help me with it.  He said.. When you are the captain of a ship, you have to remain calm in a disastrous situation.  If the captain freaks out, so will the crew.  

He was my last supervisor with tons of experience.  I tried to control myself in front of him.  Then he was promoted and now my supervisor is 8 years younger than I am with even less experience.  He’s a smart guy that can keep his cool but I don’t think that he can teach me how to, so that’s why I ended up seeking professional help.  I get embarrassed.  I have ignored it and worked around it for the last 34 years of my life. Okay, we can shave 5 or 6 of those years off but I have always had oddities about me.  I would have been labeled as high functioning autism so quickly if I was born 30 years later.

Anyway, it all started when she called me at work saying that I had the car seats in  my car and she needed them because the 3 year old had therapy.  I went and asked to go to lunch about 10 minutes early to resolve the issue and as I got out to the car, I realized that I had forgotten some papers that she had emailed me that she needed on lunch break.  I called her to make sure that I had to go back and get them: I did.

From that moment on, it was an emotional roller coaster.  I ran back up there to get my papers, rushed home driving recklessly.  Its not safe.  It’s not good for my vehicles.

My grandma always jokes that my cars never work.  Between my budget and the way I treat them.. its really no mystery.

Well – what my agent said, was that the worst time to ask me for help is Monday morning.  She said I was usually better after lunch.  Little does she know I can’t drag myself out of bed in order to smoke enough to go to work on Monday’s so I have to catch up on lunch.  Today, I took my medicine and an extra Xanax (prescribed) to help a little.  After I calmed down, I started crying.

What I thought about over the weekend is about how I never remember to take my medicine on the weekends, so that Monday morning is the 48 hours without it.  I take 2 anxiety/depression medicines daily and one is supposed to be twice a day.

Since people usually have new year’s resolutions, I guess the day after your birthday is as good as any.  I really need to start taking my medicine right.  I think I am fucking myself up more that I am helping.

And these foolish games are tearing me apart

• by admin • In Folk, Grammy Nominee, Pop, Pop Rock •   Comments Off on And these foolish games are tearing me apart

For whatever reason, I hear this song nearly daily and think about her every time. I think back to the conversation when she told me that she may regret some decisions that she had made. I always read too far into anything that she said. I wanted to think that she regretted choosing C over me when faced when the situation so long ago – though I am sure that she didn’t think that I was a possibility.. seeing that she lived with him and I had no idea.. It’s weird to think about a lot of things like that.

My brother met her once, she came over and we hung out in my room. He had already had preconceived notions about her and it all changed when he met her. He would say things like, “She is just not into you… you’re just going to have to find a way to get over her.” and from time to time, before he knew her at all, just thought she was a stuck up bitch taking advantage of the fact that I was completely head over heels for her.. typical reaction from a brother, but when he met her… he said he really liked her ans she could see why I was always.. caught up in her. I guess he just saw our connection, which is not normal for a brother that could careless about what I do in that manner.

I always wondered what it would have been like to be able to meet her father.  What would it have been like in an alternate universe?

And to express my ever changing mood, I will throw in one more random song that I feel like listening to:

This song was popular as my heart originally broke. I wouldn’t changing meeting her if I had the chance. I might change the way that I reacted.

I could leave but I won’t go

• by admin • In Alternate Metal, Grammy Nominee, Hard Rock, Heavy Metal, Music, Nu metal, Pop, Pop Rock, Progressive rock, Soft Rock •   0

This morning, as I headed to work, I wondered if her number was still the same because I plan on texting her tomorrow. It’s an important day.

I wondered how she felt about my current situation. The interruption of the work day put that though to rest.

It reminded me that life is never what it seems.

Genesis “That’s All”

Disturbed “The Sound of Silence”

Youtube decided that I needed to listen to this song:

Phil Collins “In the Air Tonight”

Genesis “Land of Confusion”

Oh damn, never seen that color blue

• by admin • In Pop, Pop Rock •   Comments Off on Oh damn, never seen that color blue

My young, male boss cracks me up sometimes. He is inlove with Taylor Swift and plays her music on repeat at work, so I have accidentally let a few songs slip into my head. He is actually headed to the Taylor Swift concert, somewhere, tomorrow. Its for his birthday, so I am ‘in charge until Tuesday.

I have been having a pretty rough time lately, extreme stomach pain and such. I have appointments lined up through the end of the year so that doctors can tell me what’s wrong with me.

This song makes me think about one of the last serious conversations that we had over text. It seems like forever ago.

She said that she regrets decisions that she had made. I didn’t ask questions but I drew my own conclusions as to what she meant.

I don’t remember what I said that day, but I remember how nervous I was as I said them, and I knew better.

So every 80 songs or less.. I get reminded of that day but a lady that he calls T. Swizzy, completely joking but enough that he’s serious.

I’m giving you up I’ve forgiven it all

• by admin • In Blue-Eyed Soul, Music, New Wave, Pop Rock, Soul music •   0

This morning, I woke up to facebook sharing one of my ‘memories’ with me. It was a post about a text I received from her, 5 years ago. It was a text of frustration with.. my debilitating personality disorders.  I don’t even know if that’s a PC term but I have determined that I am atypical or whatever that term is, this is where i take a moment to look it up.

So what I was trying to say, is that I have decided that I am not neurotypical… I did see a psychiatrist recently, and he referred me to try EMDR therapy.  I haven’t even looked it up because he said it wasn’t worth looking up because there is a lot of BS online.  A lot of doctors have been telling me this a lot lately.  They say… don’t even look up the side effects.. it will make you paranoid – so I don’t, but that just doesn’t seem right.

Anyway, as I explained to him that I feel like I have an overwhelming fear of death, not for myself but for everyone that is close to me.  He explained to me that what I was describing was a fear of loss, not death.  I can relate to that.  He thinks I have some signs of PTSD and when I did research the EMDR very briefly, I believe it can be related to recovering from trauma.  I really don’t think that I have any trauma to recover from, but it seems like there is n army out there that disagrees with that.

Between my rough childhood due to my mother, bullying in school because I was gay and then the constant verbal abuse from customers.. the doctor really wanted me to consider looking into another career because, he pointed out that… it doesn’t help matters any.  We talked about money and how important it is for me to feel financially secure and how I’d rather risk my sanity, to ensure that I have money.. anyway, that’s how that went and I picked a therapist based on being downtown and I am quite sure that he is gay, but I guess I am only assuming based on his photo and voice over his voicemail.

When I left work to go on my lunch break, Naked Eyes were filling my head.

Then Adele took that nostalgia and trying to empower me.. but I don’t really think that worked.

There’s always so much that I want to say and an underlying fear that I am trying to respect your wishes, but what if you need me to step up instead…

Five years ago, I was in the dark.  I didn’t understand what was going on.  I blamed myself.

It was around that time that you bought your bike at Walmart.  My sister has never had such a heartfelt conversation with me.

My niece say you and C at the store and wanted to run up to your in excitement.  My sister saw yall and knew that yall were more than just friends and stopped her.  She sat me down and tried to explain it to me.  I told her that she was wrong and confused..

We were in the small bedroom when I mentioned that my neice saw you at Walmart, because I was always so excited and told you everything, you froze for less than a second.. that happened a lot, but I never realized why… until much later.

The same thing happened when we were walking down the road a few times on different topics…

Little did I know.