This is a list of rock music genres consisting of subgenres of popular music that have roots in 1940s’ and 1950s’ rock and roll, and which developed into a distinct identity as rock music in the 1960s, particularly in the United Kingdom and the United States.
It finally happened, somehow active shooter emergencies have made their way into my nightmares and to make it even worse, my grandma was involved. As far as I can remember – no one was hurt.
For some reason, there were several women from my family with me and we were sitting in bleachers that resembled a hockey stadium. We were pretty high up in the stadium and there was a barrier in front of us that was high enough to duck behind.
There was some sort of car theft involved and then someone came up to where we were and started shooting a semi automatic rifle into the stands. When we realized what was going on we got my grandma down and I braced myself on top of her, I clenched my teeth and held my breath and with every sound of the gun I expected to be hit.
I don’t remember the ending but as I ducked down there, I wondered when someone would come save us. Why didn’t anyone else have a gun? We were outside and could see where the car had been stolen from. In my dream, I knew the owner of the truck – maybe it was blue, but at this point, I can not recall.
To dream that someone is shooting you with a gun suggests that you are experiencing some confrontation in your waking life. You may be feeling victimized in some situation. If you dream that someone is shooting you in the back, then it means that you are involved with some questionable people who may be harmful to your well-being. It also implies that you are too trusting of others.
To dream that something of yours have been stolen indicates that you are experiencing an identity crisis or are suffering from some sort of loss in your life. Alternatively, the dream means that someone has stolen your success or has taken credit for something you did. Perhaps you feel that you have been treated unfairly.
To see your grandmother in your dream represents nurturance, protection, and unconditional love. Consider the qualities and characteristics that exist in your own grandmother. She may also be the archetypal symbol of the wise old woman.
This weekend, I decided to try to remove myself from the situation. I went up and cuddled with my favorite toddler. We went to eat and since I lost my debit card weeks ago and never replaced it, I got away without paying for everything. We dropped the sleeping baby off with a friend and went to 6th street. The drinks were too nasty and expensive to actually get drunk but we did have a 19 year old with us so we went to all the shittiest places that would let us in and I even got patted down to go in a club.
I didn’t distract myself well enough – if she doesn’t want to hear from me then I am sure that I was significantly annoying.
I also visited Zoo Keepers Exotic Pets but the distraction didn’t last long but I did see a sloth.
As I drove back home from Austin, I couldn’t get Tom Petty out of my head – it’s true. I am tired of my magnificent town again. Do you know what it is like to be terrified to park next to any black cars? It’s rough.
I haven’t talked to my mom in ten days and I can only hope so hard that I will it into existent that she is doing what she needs to do to finally be able to support herself, again – not that she had ever done it well for long. That’s why she has so many last names. There was a time in my life that I was embarrassed that my mom had 4 kids but as I get older, I realize that I am sure that it wasn’t an easy decision to make. She grew up Catholic but I can’t imagine that ever affected her future decisions – but it could be why I have 3 siblings.
Now that there are three of us left and I pretty much take care of my brother (though many people have strong opinions about that) and my sister’s husband thing would never allow her to come stay with them, she still has no one to help her. My dad would if he could because he is one of the most giving people I know – but he has tried many times and he is too old to take the mental and physical abuse that she puts him though.
He hasn’t spoken to her since I sent her to GA with a one way plane ticket to live with a childhood friend that agreed to take her in after whatever abuse story she told him. There was a point my dad was worried that one of my mom’s drunk friends would believe her and come to retaliate. I am sure that he has PTSD from all that she has put him through. I am the only one of us that she has never physically assaulted but the one time she came close it absolutely terrified my dad.
We were in the kitchen that I grew up in. It was just over 20 years ago right after my grandfather passed away on June 30. She was in town for some child support hearing. I had ran out of gas coming from somewhere. My dad showed up to help me and she was with him. I know at that point I was extremely standoffish but there is no telling what out dynamic was. That was when my siblings were in foster-care and I was too young and far away to do a thing about it. They were in MO. My brother and I were allowed to call them once in a while. I feel like I just talked about that.
I really held a grudge and I didn’t know what had really happened or why they went. In the end, some people say that my sister came out to a psychiatrist saying that she lied about mom pushing her down the stairs. It was a steep wooden staircase to a basement, I can’t imagine that professionals couldn’t tell the damn difference. My sister says that she aged out of the system and that she threw a fit until my brother who was 12 months younger was allowed to go with her.
Back to the original point, the time I nearly fought my mom may have been the day after they put gas in my car. I was still living at home – was about to start my freshman year in high school. It was about the time that I started to get a little taller than my mom and though she was a gymnast that nearly went to the Olympics – I was in much better shape than per alcoholic 35 year old self. I was making waffles or something at the toaster and she said something that she knew would piss me off about my grandmother and everyone in the room knew exactly how I felt about that. It was the only time I had seriously bucked up to someone and I was about her fight her right there in the kitchen. My dad quickly begged me to ignore her with fear in her voice somehow reminding me that I was better than that.
I walked away and went to my room but I never forgot the day that I nearly beat my mom’s ass and I think my dad knew it. No one else in my family will hit her back and you bet she has physically abused every one of them. Brian only after her was an adult because my dad protected us well.
It’s true what they say about support systems. Though I often feel like an outsider as an adult – mainly because I think they judge Brian and I for my mom’s mental illness. They would probably rather our last name vanish with our generation than either of us pass on our last name – but who cares – not me. There is a lesbianesque story in there somewhere but I am not ready to tell it and I know better than to say such a think to such a person but yesterday I was having a conversation and I so badly wanted to say things that I found myself looking at myself in the proverbial mirror thinking what in the actual fuck.
Now for some music because I have lost my train of thought. Some really great things happened today and I almost wanted to tell her about the pizza that I was afraid someone threw away out of the freeze. I will tell one last story before I move on to songs that I listen too way too often.
Chronologically It’s some year long ago. I am sure there is arecord of the event but until then – it was around 2014 or 15 or some year. I call up the local pizza place where I happen to admire a pizza artist manager. She answers the phone to take my order and she may be away of such admiring so she doesn’t ask my name, possibly because I had invented a code pizza since I too am forever 14.
I go to pick it up and she doesn’t let me pay for it so as I float on cloud nine for a few days or however long. The uneaten pieces of my birthday pizza (I forgot that important part of the story it was on my birthday) stayed in my bachelor-like fridge for way too long. A friend of mine – who was too aware of the whole pizza love – was cleaning out the friend and told me to just put a piece in the freezer – so I did.
It stayed there for years to come until I had to move. I really didn’t want to move and I tried everything to find a way to stay but one by one every reason disappeared and I gave in. There was one big reason that I didn’t want to leave and the pizza in the fridge wasn’t it at all but it symbolized something to me that I thought a slice of pizza in the fridge that could contain biological warfare at this point would do something about. Eventually I moved that pizza into a deep freezer in the garage of the house I was staying in. No idea when, how I did such a thing without anyone noticing because if I have ever been called a hoarder – this one was not going to slide by anyone. I have now confessed to said pizza because I thought it was missing and promptly asked everyone about it not thinking about having to explain my question.
What I think makes the story worth mentioning is that sometime last year this classic pizza shop ended up closing its doors abruptly, so I do not think that many people had the chance to get their final slice. It is not edible by any means and my dad laughed and no one actually asked – probably because anyone that knows me know exactly why I have the last piece of Valentino’s pizza in my freezer.
Now for some music that tugs at my soul.
Fuel
This was the first song that I loved off the album but never understood it the way I do now.
As Is
I really appreciate the passion the live version.
Two Little Girls
Loom
Pixie
I don’t think war is noble And I don’t like to think love is like war But I got a big hot cherry bomb And I want to slip it through the mail slot Of your front door You can’t leave me here I got your back now You’d better have mine ‘Cause you say the coast is clear But you say that all the time So many sheep I quit counting Sleepless and embarrassed About the way that I feel Trying to make mole hills out of mountains Building base camp at the bottom Of a really big deal
Ani DiFranco – Independence Day off Little Plastic Castle released in 1998
Independence Day
You can’t leave me here I got your back now You’d better have mine ‘Cause you say the coast is clear But you say that all the time
I could never vocalize how this song makes me feel.
I don’t want to be afraid.
Photos from Bella Concert Hall in Calgary by Josh Platt
My favorite album of all times has been Pretty Hate Machine by Nine Inch Nails for as long as I can remember. Today I looked up the release date and – well there is no and but it was released October 20, 1989. I have heard all of the songs way too many times and feel quite connected to most of them. The Fragile is also on my list. There’s so much that I could say about life and fear but I just don’t know how to put it into words right now.
Five years ago, today, I saw Nine Inch Nails with Sound Garden – both for the first time. I don’t really remember what was going on at that time but I knew that she was going to be there with C and I was terrified of seeing them. Maybe I was still worried about my heart breaking into millions of pieces. I know it was before I decided that as long as she is in my life, I am happy with the rest. I am not the most open minded lesbian in the world, but I give it my best. Texas has made its way into my inner core at times. In the weeks leading up to the show, I convinced myself that it would be near impossible to accidentally run into one person in the mix of all of those people. In the end, I was only really worried about one of them. I made it through the whole show, made it outside of the venue and much to my dismay, some woman that came with my friend decides that we need a shuttle back to our car. If I know me, I am sure that I threw some sort of fit about having to stand in line to wait to right a bus or something back to our car that was in the closest lot possible. The trolley finally stopped and I made it clear that there was no way in hell that I was getting on that small thing with a bunch of sweaty people and told them I was going to walk – wouldn’t you know that it was at that very moment that I would turn around to be face to face with the one person I was not going to see at the show. Thankfully, he had no idea that he hated me yet and that wouldn’t be the first time that I would see the woman that I fell in love with so many years ago in public with her boyfriend and have to turn and walk away like I didn’t. It’s not a pain that I can describe to many. No one should mix shame with guilt after a shot of excitement. I used to think that I would have reacted differently in such a situation. Society taught me that I should be angry and want to fight, but somewhere along my journey, I realized that the last thing I wanted to do was cause her pain and if I were to react in any other way – I am sure that it would, so I just do my best not to react – but now I look like an insensitive asshole.
The day before I somehow ended up hanging out with and then suddenly in a relationship with Madd – I got drunk and sent her a text. My drunk ass asked if she remembered when I had said something, just a line from this song, clearly struggling with my emotions and showing the world that I am a light weight when it comes to drinking. She simply replied with no and that was enough to leave me mortified. It wasn’t much later that she explained that she just didn’t remember – I don’t know how I can embarrass myself so much in front of one woman that I feel so connected to. I am sure that it’s some defense mechanism, I am the worst with those. I am scared of the world and trust fully with my heart and trust no one with my brain. It leads to complex days for all parties involved.
I am not sure how the next day is probably the day that I ended up in the sandwich shop over-tipping and showing that none of us were tough enough to eat jalapeno poppers. What if they were poisoned? It’s all coming together now. This is what I mean, I am so sick of my competitive, jealous nature. It runs everything in my life and I think that just by recognizing that its present, I can fight it, but it still seems to be a struggle. Sometimes I just need to be able to turn my imagination off and stop thinking for once. Today, I decided I might need a harder job. I have found the down side to doing a cushy job that pays moderately well – too much time to think. I never had time to think about anything but work at my last job.
I have been tired all day, so I am going to try to get some sleep. The dogs woke me up around 6 AM and demanded my attention. As I walked them in my half asleep stuper, my dream replayed in my head.
It was enough to keep me up for a few minutes and against my better judgement, I sent her an email about it – expressing my deepest fears and opening the way that I know better than to do, but here I stand, believing that she is different than anyone else and I can stand defenseless and survive. Its nearly a masochistic test from an observers standpoint. It’s not one that most would commend or recommend.
My dream was quick or at least when I recall it, it equates to seconds. I can’t say that many of my dreams are from an outside perspective but this one started that way. She and I were talking in my alley way of the house that I used to live in. As we talked, we got closer to the street. I had no idea what we were saying, until I asked her if I could walk her home. That was most of my dream, the seconds in which she said No, that she had to go alone. It was more the way she shook her head, nearly in pain. It was the crack in her voice that would tell most that she was fighting back tears. I stood there and watched her walk away.
When I woke up, my heart was racing, there was a lump in my throat and I got up to take the dogs out, because even though I didn’t realize why I had felt that way at the time, I knew there was no laying down and going right back to sleep after that. There is something disheartening about finding math in everything – it leaves you paranoid. I think that is what the movie, The Number 23 is all about. You start to see patterns and probably make up things that aren’t even there. I hate it. I refuse to do the math most times, but due to that mental math that was drilled into my head, a lot of times, I can’t even help but do the math.
I emailed her before trying to lay down and do to sleep, because there is nothing like showing the lady you love that your brain doesn’t quite work right and you’re pretty much special needs at this point – but luckily for me, I am sure that she is well aware.
You know, I am just going to change this up a bit before I go to bed. There is a song that I haven’t hear in a while and though it is old, the first time I ever heard it, was in the last 6 or so years.. I know that there is so documentation about it somewhere, because I didn’t keep my thoughts to myself. I was pulling up at work when the song came on. I sat in my car and listened to the whole thing and declared my feelings immediately following – for the 1000th time I am sure. I mean – what if she didn’t know..
Couch boy is the damn girlfriend that I never wanted. My friend’s make tiny jokes about him but if he didn’t make my brother so damn mad, I could probably handle him but he has a way of getting under anyone’s skin, which is possibly why he is homeless and has been my couch boy since January and he had lived at my ex’s for some time while I was living with her in Kyle but he got himself kicked out of there somehow and now he has gotten himself kicked out of here also.
This fight — is all over a damn light. The way my odd house is set up, there is one main room, we facetiously call it the lobby, and all of the other rooms branch off of that. There is no hallway and there are several lights in this lobby. Since the couch is directly below the fan, I lived with him turning that one off – but I could not even see to walk through my house. He sleeps all day because he works “nights.” His latest shift ends at 3 am and that’s not even technically 3rd shift but whatever, if he wants to pretend that he is a vampire, he will have to do it somewhere else.
My brother struggles with severe depression among other things. We have both been turning the lights on as couch boy turns them off. I eventually installed a florescent light so that I could see in the the walk way and in the last few days, my brother has opened it up and disconnected the switch, however one does that. This lead couch boy to unscrew the makeshift outlet I had installed in a light socket. I don’t think these adapters are used much anymore, but I have a cache of vintage items that I should probably never actually plug in – but since my house is from the 80’s. I am sure it is all compatible – I am 1980’s safe around here, don’t tell my renter’s insurance though.
This set of events lead to my brother messaging me mid day telling me that I needed to get couch boy out of the house. As always, couch boy has a ton of explanations and excuses – which makes it impossible for me to get him out and on his own or draining someone else financially.
Now for a few words from our sponsors. Today, I have been kind of sad.
Today, I fell asleep while she was out and tried not to tell her ‘goodnight’ because I felt like I was a burden and I can feel myself get defensive. At work today we watched a video about recognizing the symptoms of the flight or fight feeling and attempting to control it instead of let it control you. I can say that I am using hat training sooner than I thought. I can’t say that I really have a fight or flight feeling but I have a ‘Please don’t let her disappear again.” feeling because I am so afraid of patterns and love.
She is so busy, I know that it’s not me and I know better but as I feel her distance, I panic and respond in an opposite way. In a week, it will have been 6 months since I saw her. In 8 days, it will be 6 months since I accidentally parked next to her a C at the pizza place. I don’t know what happened that day, but I am sure that I screwed something up when I panicked.
It kind of hurts to pretend like you don’t miss having someone in your life. We talk all day long through message but I can’t help but want to hold her hand and see her. It’s like we are in a long distance relationship blocks away from each other. I have never had such an invisible force field keep me from such desires. Anyway, I can’t really sleep and I am worried that she will tell me that we can’t talk again and I just hate that feeling.
Thank you, BOB FM, for introducing me to such music right before bed.
It takes a special type of recluse to be introduced to a song that was recorded over 10 years before you were born. I suppose, that wouldn’t be common knowledge.
Today, I tried my best to tell her something really deep in my heart, as much as you can over a text type communication. There were moments after we said goodnight that I wanted to tell her, “I care about you deeply” because I just feel like there are so many emotions loaded into those words, but maybe it’s just me. It my memory is as accurate as I think it is, the first time that I told her that was right before she left to San Francisco. It meant – I loved her but feared the shear idea of such a thing. Tonight, I felt the need to say all that, but instead, I said goodnight.
Then there are the songs that I have been listening to for as long as I can remember. I have always heard the words but never understood what they could possibly mean – tonight, I realize – every pop song can’t be speaking to me – but I have decided to turn off BOB because apparently, my mind is else where.
I hate when I have to ask what the difference between creepy and romantic is and so far everyone can only tell me, it depends on if they like it. How terrifying is that when you have no idea. Luckily for me, I don’t think I was creepy but I was always afraid that pure human emotion was a thing of the past. This song has always seem somewhere in between to me.
