It’s tearing me apart

February 9, 2019June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Medical, Movies, Music, Pop Rock • Comments Off

Tonight, I am up, watching my ex’s kid while she goes out with the new girl. It was in the last year that I was diagnosed with PTSD, but it is also the first time I ever went to a psychiatrist. I had my last appointment with him on Thursday. He changed my medication from Lexapro to Zoloft. Tonight, as I am reading about PTSD, I see that Zoloft is one of the four prescribed for it, so I can only hope that it helps.

Since I woke up this morning in a panic when Maddison came home at 6:11 AM from said girls house, I helped my brother by listening to him breakdown for a few hours and I can only assume that he is in there sleeping now. I haven’t seen him in house. I slept until about 4 PM and then eventually I went to dinner with Maddison, where she didn’t eat her food. I spent my last $60 cash at Olive Garden and she bitched the whole time. She wouldn’t hang out with me once we got back and then asked me to watch her kid so she can go out with this girl for a second night in a row.

She thinks I am being ridiculous and another word I can’t recall right now because I have turned my phone off. I have cried so much in 2019, it is embarrassing. There is this hysterical cry that I get into that makes my teeth feel numb from all of the air going across them – it was like that. I don’t even understand why I care so much. I don’t know why it hurts so bad or why I feel so worthless all over again.

This morning when I was getting tacos and I started thinking about the fact that I couldn’t have been awake since 5:30 and that I must have been dreaming, I wanted to figure out how I woke up so awake and why I started crying so hysterically. We watched “But I’m a Cheerleader” last night and they were talking about their root that made them gay. The movie is complete satire and I really want my hair like Clea DuVall all over again now, but anyway, it made me start to think about why I react the way that I do and trying to figure out what my triggers are. I realized that I freak the fuck out anytime I go to bed while my partner, or in this case, ex partner is not home. If I wake up in the middle of the night and they are not there, the reaction is both physical and mental in an extreme way. I instantly imagine every possible, horrible situation. The first time I really remember it happening is when Teal would go out with her co workers from Salt Grass and I would stay at home waiting for her to get home. Once in a while I would fall asleep, and that was always worse. I haven’t really had that many serious relationships, so besides Maddison staying out at the new girls house at all hours of the night, I don’t think that I have really had to deal with it too many other times.

When I try to figure out why this would happen, I keep going back to a memory that I can not even remember on my own. Is it possible that a memory that you can’t even remember could cause awful PTSD issues? I am sure there are more than one reason, many that are related but I’d imagine it all goes back to this one night, a night I have heard about my entire life. It’s crazy how things like that can stick with you. I can’t say the story is ever told in detail but it has come up several times in my lifetime. It probably started with my mom hanging out with her work friends and partying. I feel like she worked at a tool delivery company. I don’t even really know what that means and one night she stayed out real late. My dad couldn’t sleep and I was a young baby. He slept on that couch waiting for her to come home and she never did. That is probably the beginning of the end and may have a greater impact on my life than I had ever imagined.

I cried profusely when she made me take her baby so she could go out with someone else. I pro-actively went by a friends house to get enough green to last me though the long night ahead. She texted me asking me if I knew where her black bra was, because I had helped her with her laundry. That was twisting the knife that she had already stabbed in my back. She lives next door to me. I adore her children but I need to find a way to get away from her. She manipulates me to the point that I am driving myself insane. The psychiatrist asked me if I had any friends. I felt like that was an embarrassing question, of course I have friends, tons. The truth is, when I think about it, I know a lot of people. A lot of people were sad that I got let go, but how many of them have come to visit or even messaged regularly? She ran off most of my friends in the two and a half years that I was with her. I don’t even feel like I like her as a person. She doesn’t impress me and she constantly uses and hurts me – so why am I so worried about losing her in my life.

Promises of what I seemed to be

February 8, 2019June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Indie Rock, Music, Rock • Comments Off

I’m not even sure why, but I agreed to stay with the kids while she went up to see her new girl again. This time I didn’t freak out like I usually do, until she got home. The only thing that I can imagine is that I must have had a dream between 5:30 AM when my alarm accidentally went of and when she got home at 6:11 because when the Alexa went off and said she was home, it woke me up. I felt like I have been up for hours. When she walked in the door I asked her to bring me a drink. I proceeded to cry hysterically and I didn’t even know why. I was panicking and crying, telling her that I thought she was going to come home and hold me. I explained that I thought that I was going to wake up in her arms and that she promised me she would be home in time to get her kids to school.

I left because my brother had sent me some strange messages. I got home and he was having his own breakdown. He kept getting really mad at me and yelling at me like she does. He said I didn’t care and I didn’t understand when I asked him if he would put the meth pipe away. He continued to rant about how he could die at any minute and I needed to get a pen and paper to write some things down. I couldn’t find one fast enough for him so he started telling me the same story that he has told me since it happened, nearly 2 years ago.

The only thing that was different this time, is that the girl that essentially sexually assaulted him as he slept in her bed, asked him what he was doing there after she did it. She clearly thought he was someone else, that had been drinking. I remember how mortified I was when someone accused me of saying in appropriate things to her at work and they were just words and she completely made the thing up. With him, something physically actally happened. I feel like she is gaslighting him making him feel like he did something wrong and it is tearing him up to the point where he will live in my house rent free as I am struggling mentally, emotionally and financially and smoke meth in my house without hiding it. I never saw this coming.

I tried to talk to my psychiatrist about all of the problems that I am having. I explained my excessive and uncontrollable anger. I told him about depressed I have been. I told him about my excessive spending and increased sex drive. He said it was all situational and anyone would have the problems that I am having right now. It felt like when my ex, T, would tell me that I am not autistic and that I was just dealt a really hard hand in life. I don’t know how I feel about that. I can’t change the family I was born into or the problems that they have but I keep doing my best to try to be strong and face everything head on.

What happened this morning must be part of having PTSD. I have been trying to do some research, because it was a very strange occurrence. At the time, I was quite sure that I had been laying there in bed awake since 5:30 when the alarm had gone off. After I was with my brother and he was breaking down, I got away by saying I needed to go pick up my medication and get some tacos for us to eat. As I was walking into the gas station, I remembered being startled awake by the Alexa. If I was startled awake then there is no way that I was not sleeping at that point. It all seems so blurry even though it was only this morning. Maddison kept asking me why I was crying and I couldn’t even tell her why. I have tried to explain to her that I would have the same issues with Teal when she would stay out with her friends late after working at Salt Grass. I would cause the biggest scenes and I was completely un-medicated then.

This is what my PTSD looks like

Flew too high and burnt the wing

January 12, 2019June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Industrial rock, Music, Rock • Comments Off

I do not feel good today. I slept most of the day.

That I would like you to know that if you’re ever single

January 11, 2019June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Folk, Folk Rock, Music, Rock • Comments Off

I have been struggling for about 2 years and trying to end this relationship and now that it’s done, I feel extremely lost. A lot of my friends have contacted me and assured me that I was doing the right thing. I have been filled with rage and fear. When I went to the doctor, she said my blood preasure was high and she could tell that I was nervous. She refilled my emergency medicine, which I have been afraid to ask to have refilled because last time they wanted me to pee in a cup. I panicked and they didn’t.

Her best friend has been talking to me and I feel like she is on my side. She reassures me that my actions are inline with any stable person’s reaction.

This song – just gets to me sometimes..

God forbid you ever had to walk a mile in her shoes

January 8, 2019June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Blues, Grammy Nominee, Rock • Comments Off

And I had a feeling that I belonged

January 7, 2019June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Indie Folk, Music, Pop Rock, Soul music • Comments Off

Tomorrow, I take Dutchess in to get surgery on her fatty lumps and skin tags because they could be cancerous. This is all too much for me. Some dirty chick is nextdoor with the kids I love or out getting drunk with someone I thought cared about me a little more than she does. I want to go for a run but I am sad to say that I would rather not go out alone without anyone to tell where I am.. and well, right now, that’s where I am. I have no one to tell where I will be for the first time in a few years. I have been yearning for it and even begging for it and here I am – finding myself lonely. I told myself that I would do all these productive things if I had time to myself again, but instead I obsess over what she is doing and with whom.