But I did it anyway

February 19, 2019June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Music, Rock • 0

I love letting my mind wander and escaping reality for a moment. Today, I couldn’t help but revisit old conversations and feelings that I have never forgotten.

Really, I know better – I should calm the hell down – but there’s just something about clichés. It’s not like she doesn’t know that I have been hoping to hear from her for a while. It’s too bad that she has to find out my world is crashing down around me – one pillar at a time.

My brother has been the most difficult to deal with. In the depths of my thoughts, I realized that her friend may have mentioned my brother’s posts to her – if she knew that she cared and would want to know. It’s been intense – more than I could imagine dealing with. My dad doesn’t know what to do. My aunt has tried to talk to him. I just try to be available to talk to him but he doesn’t even think that I care anymore. He was staying with my dad after he came back right before hurricane Harvey. He has stayed with me in Kyle but he fought with Maddison and the first night that we met Sarah, her new chick, she came to our house to work on our cars. My brother mad some sexist comment about her and Maddison has probably been into her since day one because she kicked him out that night, we went to a hotel. I wouldn’t let him go alone. I am sure that was the beginning of the end. Well – the start really was but who knows. It was all terrible and for some reason, i thought it would be a good idea.

Well when he left Kyle, he went to my dad’s house but they started to fight. We moved here in April when I left Jeremy’s and he has been here since. He has his good days and his bad days. His dog drank beer as he was going through this shit with a girl that has him completely fucked up. He tells me in detail about how she took advantage of him while he was sleeping, which he didn’t even really care about and then he just told me recently that she said, “Why are you here?” to him after that like she wasn’t expecting it to be him. I would see where all that could be terrible and then she told all of Port A that he took advantage of her – so that’s the short of it, but now he sits in his room – which doesn’t have any widows – does some drugs and gets extremely depressed about it and lately he has taken to facebook in trying to scare everyone that he knows it seems.

Dealing with Maddison’s drama is difficult just because she is completely manipulative and finds ways to make me care anytime that I don’t.

Getting laid off came as a complete shock – I don’t think that anyone saw it coming. The good thing is that I have plenty of money and if I get this job coming up in March, then I will be able to save plenty of it or use it for something important – like sweeping a lady off her feet or whatever happen in tragic comedy fairy tales. When people my age talk about fantasies – I don’t think they usually want to be prince charming.. but I kinda think I do. Maybe I watched too much Disney but right now, I feel like I have reacted incorrectly to all of me instincts and when I say that I regret decisions that I have made, I don’t only mean that I regret dating someone when I was not actually into them, I mean – I regret backing off every time that I did because I thought that it was the right thing to do. There are many days, I don’t think it was the right thing to do.

Don’t judge the music selection in this out pouring of my heart – it was courtesy of 99.5 while I was in the car.

This is a girl girl thing

February 17, 2019June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Blue-Eyed Soul, Grammy Nominee, Heartland rock, Indie Folk, Music, Soft Rock • 0

Tonight was Lez Prom. Months ago, I was under the impression I was going, then she was taking the new girl, then she said I was the back up if the new girl didn’t want to go – and then she ended up taking her best friend because she thinks I want to get back with her. She doesn’t understand when I feel disrespected and used, she thinks that I am jealous, but really, I just don’t want to watch her kids so that she can go out with someone.

She ended up getting drunk and asking her best friend to take her to the new girl’s house. The best friend texted me asking if I was up because she was crying because Maddison was being a bitch to her and didn’t give a fuck about her feelings. It’s pretty bad when you exes best friend confides in you because she’s so mean.

It was nice to not care in the least. I expected to feel a little left out, but instead, I went to a friends house and helped them pack. I couldn’t keep M off my mind or the few words that meant more than I could imagine. I woke up feeling stronger than ever. I’ve resisted saying much to her, because I am sure that her situation is quite sensitive and I want to be aware so that I don’t cause any trouble.

My friends used to joke that the only way to get me to clean my house was to say that M was coming over. It was a running joke, apparently I don’t give a fuck quite often.. and then there she was. Everything else disappeared. Either way, I feel like cleaning my room and have been doing a great job.. I guess I just don’t want her to ever see what a mess I can be – but I am sure that she is quite aware.

Sometimes I wonder when you sleep
Are you ever dreaming of me?
Sometimes when I look into your eyes
I pretend you’re mine, all the damn time
‘Cause I like you

You make me stare, when I should not

February 16, 2019June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Folk Rock, Grammy Nominee, Music • 0

I’ve developed a habit of staying up all night and sleeping all day, as if I was on summer vacation. The ex has developed a habit of calling me, waking me up and asking me for something ridiculous. Today – I said no.

Since I was woken up and asked a question, I was a bit confused. I thought she was telling me that her son (8) was home alone and wanted to go play, but I had to be aware to check on him and she was asking if I would. I said no, I’m sleeping and went back to sleep. This was at 1:15 PM. There’s something that makes me feel really bad to saying no to something I am physically capable of doing, soon enough, I couldn’t sleep anymore and got up by 2. I texted her and told her that he could go play outside because I was awake. Little did I know, she was either home or bringing him home to stay alone (with me next door) and somehow through the next exchange of messages that came out. After minutes of being awake – I knew that I didn’t want to be here anymore. There is a lot going on with my brother and it’s intense. Everyone else is silent or asleep here and I owe LMC a little money, so I ask the ex when she will be back because I want to go to Lisa’s. She says they are going to Austin and it will be a few hours and not to leave him alone for more than an hour at a time. This is where it starts to feel like I am watching her kid for her and she treats me like complete shit, so I was not willing to do that. She already called me at 9 something this morning asking me to go sit with her kids while she went to go get sodas. When I got there her 4 year old asked me to make her food, if that tells you anything about how much I do for the kids. Why couldn’t her mom had made her food?

I asked her to get me a soda while she was out, because I thought it would make me feel better about doing things for her.

When I went back to bed, I had a hard time falling asleep right away. I laid there and thought about this one time that M and I met at Jo’s. That day was the first time I saw her after she got back from out of state. She had left right before I met Maddison. When she returned, I felt like I had so much explaining to do. I knew that I didn’t owe anyone an explanation.. but I really did. I had been completely in love with her for 3 years, she leaves, returns and I had a girlfriend.. that I hated, but I am not sure if that point came across. I think I was able to at least express that much to her. I needed her to know that I wasn’t attracted to my girlfriend, had no interest in her and had a very inactive sex life – which took effort, but I blamed my medicine and distanced myself. When I saw her, I got so nervous/excited, I have no idea what I said that day. I can tell you what table we sat at. I can tell you that my back was to the wall and hers was to the counter. We normally didn’t sit over in that little area, but today we did. I feel like she could see through my eyes to what I was trying to express and I feel like she understood more than anyone would and accepted that I did what I did for whatever reason I did it, and I don;t think she was worried at all. I wondered if she still knew that she was everything that I had ever wanted.. but could never ask.

I have always tried to respect her situation – and I don’t know why – but I can’t refer to it as anything other than that. I’ve never wanted to make anything worse for her. There has been things that she has said that have sunk deep into my heart. I have beat myself up for not being more assertive and asking more questions. When I think about an example of what I am talking about, the first thing that comes to mind is – I don’t even know when we were having this conversation – but she said that her parents would not have even noticed if she had been kidnapped. We had been talking about when she left home. It always made me feel uneasy to think about. She looked down and her tone changed in a way that told me this was significant, but I felt like she didn’t want me to ask, so I never did. It’s strange to me that I can be so shy with her yet so incredibly open. In the end, I always feel very protective of her and the rest just gets complicated in my head. Watching my brother breakdown has made me question my sanity a time of two, but luckily. I have her in my life and she is always there just in time.

This song popped up and I have not heard it before. I am going to leave this here.

I wanted to talk about something very specific and forgot it when my dad showed up. I need to reread this and see if it comes back to me. For now, I suppose this is all.

Oh my life is changing everyday

February 14, 2019June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Country, Grammy Nominee, Music, Pop, Pop Rock, Rap Rock, Rock, Soft Rock • 0

Since it was Valentine’s day, I spent time with the woman that I love most – my grandma. On the way to her house, I heard a song on the radio that caught my attention. It was about half way through the song when I realized that it must be called “In The Air Tonight” by Phil Collins, because I recognized a line that took me back to “Stan” by Eminiem. It’s funny that I have watched the movie “Kids” and related this song to Eminiem.. it’s just unexpected to learn anything from Marshall Mathers.

I really have no idea what that song is about but the first few lines spoke to me, then I realized it was the song that was referenced in “Stan” and I have always loved that song. I used to watch the “Guilty Conscience” video way too often too.

Today, when I was talking about going to see a friend after I left her house – she said, “That’s something you have a lot of – friends, that’s really good.” She married when she was 16 years old. She feels like she missed out on a lot in life – and I know that having her own personal friends is one of them. She is a twin so if it wasn’t her sister, it was her husband. She has no idea how much my friends help me get through. There are moments when I feel like no one cares and no one understands and that everything is pointless – and just at the right moment, someone steps back in my life and reminds me that I am worth it.. and that everything is just circumstantial. It makes a big difference. Never underestimate how much a few words might help someone on such a deep level.

When this video came out, I thought that it was so great. My life has changed a little, however, it is still entertaining.

The next song that I paid attention to while driving to my grandma’s house was The Cranberries.

Then I came home and my brother was singing a personal favorite of ours.

Cause it’s a bittersweet symphony this life.

February 13, 2019June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Grammy Nominee, Music • 0

Every day of the thirteen days that I have been at home after getting laid off have really worn on me. The other extenuating circumstances have not helped any. What has helped is hearing from people that truly care. I wish that I didn’t need a reminder, but it makes a big difference. I have never been one to seek attention, but it seems that I appreciate it a lot more than I realize.

After not receiving my unemployment card and feeling like I have waited forever for my severance check, I decided to check on it. The HR lady assured me that I would get paid this Friday with everyone else’s pay check so that helps me not have to worry about when I will see my next dollar. It has been a hard lesson to learn that I accidentally get comfortable and I often take things for granted without meaning to. I thought that I was reminded of this when I went to Guatemala and couldn’t drink the water.

I’m finished making sense

February 13, 2019June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Alternative rock, Music, Rock, Words • 0

I have been doing a awful job at controlling my emotions today. Just now, I got in a fight with Jeremy, deleted his number and blocked him on facebook per his request. He has been asking me to come help him clean out his garage since I lost my job. I don’t think he understands that I am usually either sleeping, talking my brother off a ledge, taking care of kids, or applying for jobs. Today, will be the first day that I do something that I want to do and I am completely nervous, because I know that I should be completely mortified. As I wrote it, I didn’t think anyone would take time to care to look. I know that in my darkest moments, I begged for her attention, and its not something I am proud of.

So – Jeremy wanted me to come over to help him move things out of his garage. I am not his only friend, mind you. While I was up from taking the 4 year old to school, I texted him asking if 10 AM was good. I set an alarm and when it went off, he hadn’t replied so I went back to sleep. He sent a message that said how about 11:30 that I read at 11:30, I replied telling him I was going to take a shower and then come by. I called him because he didn’t reply. He had called our mutual friend looking for me, which is creepy too because she lives in Kyle and I rarely see her – but she told him that I had plans to go to lunch later so somehow that made him think I was calling him to blow him off. My plans weren’t for another hour and a half and he wanted me to help him move a few couches, so I can’t imagine how they are related in the least.

When I called him, he interrupted what I was saying and says in his diva tone, “Hana told me that you made other plans to go eat, Matt is here, don’t worry about it.” Since I had been trying to contact him about coming over to help all day, I was extremely offended, so I said, “No I don’t have lunch plans, I was calling to come over and help you but fuck it.” and hung up on him. Apparently he didn’t like that very much because he texted me and told me to lose his number because he didn’t deserve that treatment. Now – that is debatable. This is a guy that fights over my time more than any man has before. We fought a week or two ago because I hurt his feelings by not hanging out enough. I explained to him that he is the only person’s house I go to at all. The last thing I need is more controlling people in my life.

I have been fighting the good fight

February 13, 2019June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Folk, Folk Rock, Indie Folk, Music • 0

This morning, my dog woke me up, I noticed my phone was glowing so I went to look at it. I had 6 missed called and 2 missed facebook calls. It was 7:00 AM.

She takes all of my money and when I am out, she goes and gets some from her grandma. I asked for some because she was spending it frivolously and I didn’t have any. That started a fight.

I was lured over to her house, next door, because she went to Wendy’s and said that she brought me some. I like to feel special, so I went to eat it, but I think it was a trap to put her 4 year old to bed. I struggled with the child and eventually asked her if she wanted me to take her to school in the morning. She agreed, became complacent and went to sleep.

Fast forward to this morning, my ex sure remembered that and expected it. Since we fought, I turned my ringer off. When I finally went over there to take the kid to school, she wasn’t even awake. If she was insisting I take her, that’s one thing, but this is just complete laziness.

On the bright side, I have plans today. However, I am nervous, like always. On my drive back from dropping of the kid, I hopped that she was not mad at me. I feel like she has every right to be. I’ve never really had someone like this in my life.

When I started this site, I needed some way to express myself. It was the first time that she said that she couldn’t talk to me anymore. I wanted to respect her wishes, but I was stuck alone, in my head. I used to be a slightly popular blogger on this site, JournalSpace.com but there was some hack and the site was deleted – so that was that. I am sure that lead to my decision to start a site to write to myself so that I would quit emailing her. At the time, at some point, I told her about the site but no one ever visited it and I didn’t really think anyone ever would. I made it through an entire relationship with someone that was extremely controlling and in my business and somehow she never saw it.

If I couldn’t stop thinking, I would come here and write. When there was a song circling in my head, I would come post it here. I have made slight changes to it over the years but it has served the purpose of giving myself somewhere to express my feelings. I don’t have many people that I really talk to anymore. Small talk – sure, but real discussions, no. Currently the only conversations that people have with me is – how is the job search? – and well, I am done answering that one. I hate that I get so stuck on ideas or just the fact that I can’t leave people alone. I know that my inbox would prove that – or my sent box anyway. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, but I am glad that I have people that love me, because I really need it right now.

Never opened myself this way

February 12, 2019June 22, 2019 • by admin • In Indie Rock, Music, Pop, Rock • Comments Off

It took a lot to remain calm after the way my ex was talking to me today. She thinks that is it okay to call me asking me to help get her kids ready for school, only to complain about how I am doing. We are working on separating our things, including the phone bill, but in between, its a constant struggle to remain polite without being taken advantage of. I love seeing the kids and spending time with them but I want it on my own terms, not to benefit her.

There was plenty of crying and raising voices today, just like any other day. The four year old has started saying that mommy was loud and Jen cries. It’s sad.

Everything changed when I opened my IG this evening. I saw a red dot and didn’t know what it means, so I clicked it. It was only the best surprise and the last thing I expected.

Now I am holding my breathe until 2 PM tomorrow and smiling more than I have all year.

This song doesn’t have much relevance to much. At some point when I was trying to cheer myself up, I remembered a burned CD that I found in a computer at work back at TNI. I was pretty sad at the time and decided to listen to it to see what it was. It was some Coconut Records album. It was the first time and possibly only time I had heard of them – but I like the way it makes me feel. When I think of the West Coast, I think about when She landed in San Francisco and called me. I may never forget that and can’t wait to see her tomorrow. I might even sleep tonight to celebrate. There is a part of me that wondered if I would ever hear from her again.

The Internet played this song a few minutes later and it is one of my favorite covers.

I wouldn’t mind visiting Lake Tahoe either, and this cover is pretty great too.

I saw Staind in concert with Sevendust and Marilyn Manson on Halloween of probably 2004. Was an interesting show. I missed Sevendust due to never driving on a 6 lane highway before. It was intense, in Dallas.