This is a list of rock music genres consisting of subgenres of popular music that have roots in 1940s’ and 1950s’ rock and roll, and which developed into a distinct identity as rock music in the 1960s, particularly in the United Kingdom and the United States.
The Garbage concert was one of the best concerts I have been to, somehow they just keep getting better and better, but I was slightly distracted and found myself wanting a pause between songs so that I could check my messages… that never happens – and that is one of those reasons…
When the first song was #1 Crush, I think I blushed a little and thought the same thing I thought at the Melissa Etheridge concert… what would I have done if she had come with me, then she would be standing next to me as I felt some songs that meant a lot to me – it felt like quite the vulnerable place that I still did not know how to handle just yet.
There were a few songs that they didn’t play that I really wanted to hear, but it was a 2 hour set and she is 52… so I really can’t ask for anything more. If I were choosing a set list for San Antonio, Texas – I would probably think to leave Queer and Androgyny out too.. but it was an amazing show and they played a lot off of their self titled album and version 2.0 which are my favorites.
Today – work was busy and went by fast. It was my first full time day, but I have been working 40 hours a week this whole time, but I didn’t get benefits before.
I got a surprise message today, asking if I had passed my tests. I told her that I had and about my new GoPro that I rewarded myself with for getting a solid job within 3 months – really, 5 weeks.
Somehow while screwing with my phone while working, I seemingly blocked her. I found this as I went to glance at our message and it wasn’t there. I was pretty proud of myself for calmly and logically addressing the situation instead of assuming the worst. I searched her name and saw a big ‘unblock’ on her profile. That was a scary 30 seconds. It reminded me about how lucky I am to have her in my life. I feel ridiculous and I hope that she doesn’t mind at all. It reminded me how much tiny messages here and there mean to me.
I ave been really getting into my YouTube and video editing, even though I think my stuff is crap – the only way to improve it is to keep trying. When I watch my old videos, I am reminded how much I have grown. Teal and Emily have both complimented me on how mature I have become. I can’t say that I am mature at all but I do last about 8 hours a day as an adult.
Last night, I noticed that my two most popular YouTube videos were private. Each video had more views than my entire channel. I made the random video that is really nothing at all, I simply took it for liability reasons had 7,222 views as of today. When I made it public, my channel views went up to 14,284 views. I am thinking about editing the company name out of the top video. I was asked to take it down by my former company because “it made the company look bad.” I will be posting that letter here, because it’s funny and I love talking about it – but since then, they have hired me to work for their company, promoted me to someone in management and then let me go in a reduction in force, so, yes, I think I will put the video back online without the incriminating company name in it just for fun, and to up my channel views to over 26,000.
I had a pretty emotional week, both good and sad. I helped Emily go through her late fathers things. I don’t think that she made it very far – it was really hard on her. Yesterday when I was seeing what she was up to, she said she had to take care of a few things in Austin, and then I realized my ex was marrying her friend – so I am sure that is where she was, just didn’t think she could tell me.
I have also really been keeping my distance from my ex but with that comes the desire to cuddle with someone or be sweet and close. I never really miss sex specifically but I miss intimacy and I have no desire to meet anyone so that’s a disappointing feeling.
And this is the first time I have seen the clip, but I had been told in the past that after you ‘concert’ so many women, you get a toaster over. In that joke, I don’t think whoever was saying it realized I don’t convert anyone.. I just sleep with straight women and get my heart broken. I am almost tired of this preference by now. I still believes that she has always identified as lesbian.. I just wish I was the lesbian she identified with..
Today is that day that we used to get so excited about, throw parties. skip work.. and here I am, on a Saturday, with a bad full, alone – because I am lame. I really can’t stand a lot of people, that’s why I meet someone that I could never get tired of being around, its a pretty big deal.. but then I usually have sex with them and make it weird somehow – and now I have no friends, because no one can handle dating me – and I don’t want to be around most people – at all. What a realization.
I think I am so hard on myself about that because, what if we never had dated, what if we had been just friends – then could we still hang out? Even though those are moments that I would never want to take back, if it meant that I could have someone like her in my life, I would. She knows that I had no idea at the time and I certainly didn’t know who. I had no idea there was anyone else at all; male, female or otherwise. And I know that there wasn’t at the time, which matters to me, but when we fast forward to the future that I could not have even imagined back then – here I am, reminding myself the same thing that I have been told for years.
Our thoughts compressed, Which makes us blessed, And makes for stormy weather
When my aunt found out I was gay, I was really young and she was heart broken. She said = I am not sad that you will never had children, because there are ways. I am sad that you will live a very difficult life and you have already had to deal with enough. At the time, I thought I was tough as nails. I had perfected some coping mechanisms that I would later be told were incredibly unhealthy – but it got me though. That took decades to undo, but I can cry plenty again.
My friend confessed she passed the test, And we will never sever
When I met the lady that I try my best not to think about, I had done a pretty good job of distancing and disassociating. It had been about 5 years since I had felt anything real. After something really tragic happens, its nice once you can finally not feel anything. I guess that’s why people do hard drugs.. or anything for that matter but smoking does not make me forget things anymore. It lets me relax so that my mind wanders, right back to where it should not be, contemplating things that will probably never matter and no one understands. Why would I want to try to make sense out of something that will never have an answer? Mary Jane. That’s why. Funny right? But yes – it had been a few years. I had met women, I had been caught up in the attention, but it was nothing that I could not forget in a month of less. When I say it was the minute I saw her, I am not joking.. why would I – I am pretty much talking to myself here. I really didn’t know what to expect, the pictures she sent me were cute but I was not prepared for the feeling that I was about to have. I pretty much always have the same feeling but I am usually prepared for it now so when I walk into a wall of magic, I know what it is going to feel like.. unless – of course, I am being told to park closer, so I grudgingly comply only to glance up and find myself in the middle of a wall of magic and panic. We all know that I didn’t handle that well. I should have stayed in my original parking place and then we would have been walking up from the side as they went to their car and I would have seen first… though, when she smiles at me, my heart flutters.. I just wish I wasn’t such a damn nerd that acts like she has never seen a pretty lady before.
I was really embarrassed that day because I was with my ex and then I panicked and acted like a dumb ass..
Since I am playing Placebo here, I am going to throw in some Sleeping With Ghost and link back to the day that I bought the record and walked next door to get a sandwich.. I panicked that day too and over tipped him. My friend is as socially awkward as I am and saw so she over tipped him too. I later shared who he was and he brought us stuffed jalapenos that were too hot for us to eat but is was a sweet gesture because he is a sweet guy and even if he had poisoned him, sometimes I feel like I probably deserve it – but then it never stops me and they is what perplexes me. I am not that kind of person.
The craziest thing about that day is that I had drunk texted her the night before. I got really embarrassed by her reply. I ended up hanging out with Maddison for the first time that night. She laid it on thick and of course. Not much later she explained that it was nothing to be embarrassed about, she just didn’t remember what I was talking about.. but anyway it was just a big ball of fun – that is why I should not drink and text. I get all sad for no reason at all.
Just 19 and dream obscene with six months off for bad behavior
Something, things are just too real to write about – so I just haven’t. Friday was my mother’s father’s birthday and she had plenty to say. Something has made me start recording my phone calls – mainly to protect myself – and by doing so, I captured a very heart-felt conversation from my mother that made me cry. I don’t know what to think about her leaving me as a baby but I can say that I feel like I am over it. She had horrible things to say about her parents, but then again, they did abandon her and her children. I am sure she has a lot of regrets about life but I didn’t really know what to say.
Then I have been fighting with Maddison constantly. I have been in a fit of rage all weekend. Just typing that makes me thing – yeah.. you should probably take your medicine and calm down… but I just won’t. When I feel like this, I feel like my medicine is a punishment and or an admittance to weakness or an issue. I know that no one likes me when I am mad.. so I keep to myself and it just gets worse.
Something about listening to my recorded concerts makes me feel better. Don’t get me wrong, I feel like a tool when I am one of hundreds recording a concert – but I do put my phone away and ask friends to record once in a while – but it is hard to trust them to do a good job.. but unlike those other tools… I do a lot with my recordings. They help my practice my video editing, which I vowed to improve upon stumbling upon that one YouTube video so long ago.. and I have. I don’t use Final Cut but I think Filmora gets the job done. I would learn premier because I know it is a standard but I never have a computer that powerful so I settle..
I panic so much when too much of my money is out and being borrowed. I have been a mess and very vocal about it with maddison. She hates me right now and I could care less. For some reason I don’t even want to talk about anything directly – mainly because I don’t want to think about it. I hope that she moves soon.
She has spent hundreds on piercings and tattoos and still asks me for money. I try to say no but there is always some long drawn out sob story and she knows just how to get to me.
Today, I put my concert playlist on shuffle, and this song came up and since it couldn’t be more true… I used it. I went to the next video and it was a good one too.
• byadmin • InEmo rap, Pop Rock, Punk, Rock • Comments Off on I can’t grow a mustache and I ain’t got no season pass
There was a time in my life that I was embarrassed by how much I loved Bowling for Soup, but now I embrace my nerdiness. I think it helps that I may be the least socially awkward at work, which never happens – but I can’t keep up with these people that have dedicated their life to being nerds – at least I have tried to resist.
The I catch myself going and doing some shit like this:
Here I was working on my video editing. I couldn’t help but think about the night at Showdown that I know I bucked up when some guy was flirting with her in front of me. We have a very unusual relationship and as the years passed, I realized why we never went in public – but I could care less at this point.. I wonder if Candace noticed, I can only imagine it lead to the comment about that we should date. Anyway – back to my story, as she flooded my mind, I decided to send her a message with only a heart. I didn’t think that she would see it until tomorrow, but she saw it pretty quickly. That’s really all the attention that I needed to warm my heart – and I have no idea what she even thinks – but I am just happy that she notices me.
Last night, I was reminded that if I had a theme song, it would probably be this:
The other night, I had a dream about her again. I didn’t write about it at the time because it may have been the following night after I had the dream about driving around with Matt and I just wanted to calm the fuck down. I try not to wander into the wrong places in life so often.
In my dream about her, she was doing something – presenting to a group. I can not even place it. We were all sitting in a circle on stools of some sort. She may have been painting. She may have been cooking. At the time I was aware of what we were watching. I sat like a stranger in the group. At the time, I knew that it had to be that way.
Mid – whatever we were learning, she smiled at me and I know that my life froze in the best way possible. I don’t remember much else from the dream. There were about 5 other people in the group besides us. They were all to my right.
Last that day I got in a conversation with a trans-man friend of mine. I suppose he is more than just a friend, he is my ex girlfriend from about 2004, so we go way back. He was expressing his struggles with finding decent people to date. He has usually found himself in very small towns, growing up in Southern Oklahoma – he has dealt with a lot.
The more he spoke, the more I realized I can empathize a lot. Lately, I have grown complacent to being misgendered, almost to the point that I am I unphased when my name is spelled wrong – I decide that is my fault and move on.
One reason that I think that I am so passionate about our friendship is that I truly believe she is one of the only people in my life that truly accepts me and when you have lived your entire life on the outside looking in, it is really nice to finally meet someone that accepts you and doesn’t just tolerate you. Up until this point in life, I was thrilled with people tolerating me and trying to understand – it was a lot better than the alternate.
Yesterday, I read this information online about Hyperthymesia and then I went to take a shower. In the shower, I didn’t even realize that I was thinking about it, but it occurred to me that when she said the thing about painting herself into a corner, it may have been about this one thing I read that left me perplexed and second guessing myself worse than ever – but somehow I found some way to get over it emotionally because I don’t think about it much at all. In the information about people that exhibit signs of hyperthymesia are often people that spend a lot of time replaying events in their head. The reason that I can repeat things like they happened yesterday is because, for me, they did happen yesterday and the day before that and the day before that – all so quickly in my mind I don’t even realize that I am thinking about it but I can practically tell you what that post said and I know that it was in December 2013 – probably on the 17th but that could be a guess. I always feel weird on that day so if its not that day, i seem to think it is. It had been months since we had talked. I’d say in October before she went to San Francisco, but I am getting old, I could be wrong. I know it had been months and I can remember the way my heart lit up when I saw her pictures. I replied instantly and do not have the courage to cross-reference my records in Gmail to see what I even said, but it was bad. I am sure it was along the lines of – To the extent that I understand love, I believe that I am completely in love with you – I am sure there is some logical excuse why you diapered and if there is not tell me anything because I will believe whatever you say. Clearly, I am way smoother than that but I am quite sure she saw right through me before I saw anything coming.
Then I read the post. The title is carved in the side of my forgotten memories. At this time I can only remember playmate, but I would have to shamefully say it is only because I was so jealous after I realized or tried to realize what was going on.
We never talked about it. I never wanted to make her feel uncomfortable and I just decided to leave it alone but somehow my subconsciousness wondered over that way as I thought I was relaxed and not thinking in the shower.
I write too many words so I just think I am going to stop now, but this is the song that was that last thing that played as I drove up to work this morning. I have been listening to some 99.9 and it must be some what local but has good music.
