Tonight, important things were said and I felt trusted.
I resolved to call her up
-Sting
A thousand times a day
Ask her if she’ll marry me
In some old fashioned way
New Wave
New wave is a genre of rock music popular in the late 1970s and the 1980s with ties to mid-1970s punk rock. New wave moved away from blues and rock and roll sounds to create rock music or pop music that incorporated disco, mod, and electronic music.
It’s not confidential, I’ve got potential
This song came on the radio this morning and before I knew it, I was thinking about the day that my sister had her first sisterly love talk with me.
We didn’t grow up together. I am the oldest and my father has a large family. I grew to resent my siblings at a young age because I was jealous and didn’t understand. My dad did his best to explain compassion and generosity to me but as a child that dealt with getting made fun of for being poor all my life only to transition into getting made fun of because I was a lesbian – it just didn’t seem fair that my dad helped kids that weren’t even his but that’s another long drawn out story – today, I just want to bring light to the fact that my sister spent about 10 years in foster-care until she aged out. This makes her view on family a lot stronger than mine – because I take everything for granted.
My sister moved in with me in July of 2013 because she had been living out of motels with her boyfriend while my parents struggled to take care of her kids for a few months. When she moved in with me – we were pretty close. She paid attention to things that a brother would never notice. She watched me fall in love with a girl and then she watched me fall apart with confusion. At the time, I had spent the last 5 years of my life protecting my heart and then I met her. Suddenly I forgot to play defense and it was over in no time – but my sister know what happened 5 years prior. She knew that I was not really interested in caring for anyone because I knew that they would just hurt me eventually, so she was shocked when I was quick to forget all of that just a month prior when I met her.
At this point a few months had passed. My sister knew lesbians better than I did by now just because she was a good listener – and a woman. There are not many people left that will try to tell me what to do or give me advice because they know that I will just do what I want to do anyway and this was no different but my sister tried her best to be the best sister possible and I feel like I pretty much called her a liar or suggested she was confused. Her facial expression said it all (Something like – well, I guess I will have to tell her I told you so later…) It was a sad defeated look. There are a few people in the world that absolutely hate when I get my heart ripped out and she is one of them.
She had been at Walmart that day with my oldest niece, which was about 5 at the time. They saw my love interest from afar and my niece yelled her name and wanted to chase her down – she was equally as excited about her.
My sister noticed that she was with a guy and as she gently put it to me, ‘she was sure they were more than just friends.’ I didn’t believe her and told her that she had to be wrong or misunderstood. We were no longer dating and hadn’t been for quite some time but I was still holding my breathe for the next moment I would get to spend with her and my sister was watching from a distance. At the time I had no idea. I couldn’t reference a time frame but it had to be within a few months of meeting her. By December, I had dug myself into an internet hole called craigslist and shot myself in the foot – but I learned a valuable lesson that day – well many. The first one is – Don’t get mad and leave work when your rebound tells you that you can’t be her side chick anymore. AND Don’t get overly excited when you see photos of someone that you are pining over and instantly message them without reading the actual post – because it might just surprise you. And you might wish you had just stayed at work with the other problem that you created. That was December 17, 2014. Next I will go see what I wrote about that.
Prior to that she was at Walmart buying a bike – and my little niece that loved her saw her and my sister started playing defense all around. Kid – don’t interrupt them right now. Sis – there’s something you need to know. At least the 5 year old listened. My dumb ass didn’t think twice about it and told said lady that they saw her at Walmart that day – excitedly – when she mentioned the bike… I may never learn.
Anyway – here is some damn song that made me think about that crap this morning.
Confusion is nothing new
In other news, did you know that Sinéad O’Connor hates white people now? I didn’t read the article, because I was afraid I would join her..
I’m giving you up I’ve forgiven it all
This morning, I woke up to facebook sharing one of my ‘memories’ with me. It was a post about a text I received from her, 5 years ago. It was a text of frustration with.. my debilitating personality disorders. I don’t even know if that’s a PC term but I have determined that I am atypical or whatever that term is, this is where i take a moment to look it up.
So what I was trying to say, is that I have decided that I am not neurotypical… I did see a psychiatrist recently, and he referred me to try EMDR therapy. I haven’t even looked it up because he said it wasn’t worth looking up because there is a lot of BS online. A lot of doctors have been telling me this a lot lately. They say… don’t even look up the side effects.. it will make you paranoid – so I don’t, but that just doesn’t seem right.
Anyway, as I explained to him that I feel like I have an overwhelming fear of death, not for myself but for everyone that is close to me. He explained to me that what I was describing was a fear of loss, not death. I can relate to that. He thinks I have some signs of PTSD and when I did research the EMDR very briefly, I believe it can be related to recovering from trauma. I really don’t think that I have any trauma to recover from, but it seems like there is n army out there that disagrees with that.
Between my rough childhood due to my mother, bullying in school because I was gay and then the constant verbal abuse from customers.. the doctor really wanted me to consider looking into another career because, he pointed out that… it doesn’t help matters any. We talked about money and how important it is for me to feel financially secure and how I’d rather risk my sanity, to ensure that I have money.. anyway, that’s how that went and I picked a therapist based on being downtown and I am quite sure that he is gay, but I guess I am only assuming based on his photo and voice over his voicemail.
When I left work to go on my lunch break, Naked Eyes were filling my head.
Then Adele took that nostalgia and trying to empower me.. but I don’t really think that worked.
There’s always so much that I want to say and an underlying fear that I am trying to respect your wishes, but what if you need me to step up instead…
Five years ago, I was in the dark. I didn’t understand what was going on. I blamed myself.
It was around that time that you bought your bike at Walmart. My sister has never had such a heartfelt conversation with me.
My niece say you and C at the store and wanted to run up to your in excitement. My sister saw yall and knew that yall were more than just friends and stopped her. She sat me down and tried to explain it to me. I told her that she was wrong and confused..
We were in the small bedroom when I mentioned that my neice saw you at Walmart, because I was always so excited and told you everything, you froze for less than a second.. that happened a lot, but I never realized why… until much later.
The same thing happened when we were walking down the road a few times on different topics…
Little did I know.
I walk along the city streets you used to walk along with me
How can I forget you girl?
When everything else disappeared
The thing about keeping great records, digital ones at that, is that it is easy to cross reference them when needed. Today marks 2 years since a difficult day in my life. That day happens to be the day that I started this site, as a way to deal with the situation. It looks like it was the next day or so that I was at work, ended up talking to someone that made me a little sad on the phone.. then my boss jumped down my throat and made me cry on a call.. That will be 2 years ago Monday. In my opinion, I handled it very well. That call was one call before my lunch, I remember it quite well. The call after that is the one that I actually started to cry during, barely, but everything had just been building up. I logged out when it was time to go to lunch, I walked right up to my boss and told her that I was going to the doctor and that I would be back the next day.
In the past, I had been on anxiety medicine, and at some time around when my middle niece was born, about 3 and a half years ago, I had stopped taking it. With everything that had transpired and how much I was reacting to everything around me, I knew that it was something that I needed in my life. In retrospect, this site serves as a record of my progress in the last 2 years. Since then, I have been promoted at work. I on my 8th training class and somehow I have gained the trust and understanding of the woman that I have fallen in love with. I feel that way anyway. It’s a huge deal to me because I tend to keep everyone in my life at a safe distance, but something tells me that she is different.. and I enjoy every minute of it.
When I was coming home from my friend’s house tonight, I drove by her old house for the first time since she had left. I just kind of turned when I really didn’t have to. My heart felt a little lighter when I saw his car in the drive way. I’m uncertain why I can’t bring myself to just ask her a few things. My imagination had been playing with combinations and statistical realities.. Most people that know me, know that I would wait 2 more years for her without thinking twice.. and hate it – I’m not sure why. Those act like I am selling myself short and that no one should wait for anyone.. Then the other reactions that I get are more sincere in my eyes, I can’t tell you how much I like it when someone reacts the opposite and confirms that it’s incredibly romantic. There’s a handful of close friends that know just how I feel. They see my face when I talk to her. My attempt to smile as she leaves. It’s nice when someone actually understands you. It seems to be so rare lately.
While stumbling around the YouTube.. I found this gem:
Well, how can I forget you, girl?
As I walked back to my bedroom from the kitchen, the pumpkin caught my eye. We bought pumpkins to carve back in October when we were having a good moment. She had to go out of state and there they sat waiting to be carved. The one I bought was bigger, something happened to it and it started to rot around Christmas. I haven’t really gone near it in a while, but there’s a pumpkin sitting in there. Interestingly enough, now that I write about it, I am reminded of a pumpkin that I had in Kyle under similar circumstances. It would probably even appear in the background of photos I had taken at the time. There are too many similarities between the two ladies who have caught my attention, right now to the way they disappeared so gracefully from my life after making it such a wonderful place.