Indie rock is a genre of rock music that originated in the United States and United Kingdom in the 1970s. Originally used to describe independent record labels, the term became associated with the music they produced and was initially used interchangeably with alternative
I still feel like Pretty Hate Machine is an old album and The Fragile is new.
It came in a flash
It came out of nowhere
It happened so fast
And then it was over
Are you thinking, what I’m thinking?
Is this happening now?
Are you feeling, what I’m feeling?
This is happening now
I had just had a used transmission put into my Mazda 5 because my driver’s side drive axle went out. I had to have both front axles replace. That was about 100 miles ago. Less than 20 miles ago, I had one of my struts replaced that I skipped before due to a budget. I am disappointed in The Silver Bullet and miss The Deathsled. I was turning a corner after a stop sign. I was going up hill and took the turn sharper than normal. I really have no idea what happened because it seemed like I hit something big out of no where – and once I got out, I pretty much confirmed that theory. There was a rock retaining wall and it seems that one of the large rocks was somewhat in the road. I should not have turned so sharply but I did not expect that to stop me in my tracks. If you must know – I hit a lot of curbs.
During a recent conversation with my father, I came to realize that I do much better with rear wheel drive cars. For the longest time, I drove a Dodge Stealth and I loved the shit out of that car, until I could no longer keep up with it’s maintenance – not that I ever could but around 2014 or so, my 1991 sports car started to deteriorate fast.
In 2017, when I moved and was in a terrible place, I sold it for $500 – a decision I have regretted since. Today, my sister’s boyfriend sent me this picture of a car he saw that looked just like it – and little did he know, I am quite sure that it is my car. I can tell by the way the clear coat is peeling and I was the one that put those rims on the car. They are police interceptor steal rims. It excites me to just see the pictures and almost makes me want to cry. I have been the most sensitive lately and feeling ever so lonely – but I remind myself that I am much stronger that many people that are much more lonely through out this pandemic and nearly feel guilty for even being sad. I have been battling my ego and thoughts for a few weeks now.
Now on to the originally planned programming.
This song came on the radio this morning and before I knew it, I was thinking about the day that my sister had her first sisterly love talk with me.
We didn’t grow up together. I am the oldest and my father has a large family. I grew to resent my siblings at a young age because I was jealous and didn’t understand. My dad did his best to explain compassion and generosity to me but as a child that dealt with getting made fun of for being poor all my life only to transition into getting made fun of because I was a lesbian – it just didn’t seem fair that my dad helped kids that weren’t even his but that’s another long drawn out story – today, I just want to bring light to the fact that my sister spent about 10 years in foster-care until she aged out. This makes her view on family a lot stronger than mine – because I take everything for granted.
My sister moved in with me in July of 2013 because she had been living out of motels with her boyfriend while my parents struggled to take care of her kids for a few months. When she moved in with me – we were pretty close. She paid attention to things that a brother would never notice. She watched me fall in love with a girl and then she watched me fall apart with confusion. At the time, I had spent the last 5 years of my life protecting my heart and then I met her. Suddenly I forgot to play defense and it was over in no time – but my sister know what happened 5 years prior. She knew that I was not really interested in caring for anyone because I knew that they would just hurt me eventually, so she was shocked when I was quick to forget all of that just a month prior when I met her.
At this point a few months had passed. My sister knew lesbians better than I did by now just because she was a good listener – and a woman. There are not many people left that will try to tell me what to do or give me advice because they know that I will just do what I want to do anyway and this was no different but my sister tried her best to be the best sister possible and I feel like I pretty much called her a liar or suggested she was confused. Her facial expression said it all (Something like – well, I guess I will have to tell her I told you so later…) It was a sad defeated look. There are a few people in the world that absolutely hate when I get my heart ripped out and she is one of them.
She had been at Walmart that day with my oldest niece, which was about 5 at the time. They saw my love interest from afar and my niece yelled her name and wanted to chase her down – she was equally as excited about her.
My sister noticed that she was with a guy and as she gently put it to me, ‘she was sure they were more than just friends.’ I didn’t believe her and told her that she had to be wrong or misunderstood. We were no longer dating and hadn’t been for quite some time but I was still holding my breathe for the next moment I would get to spend with her and my sister was watching from a distance. At the time I had no idea. I couldn’t reference a time frame but it had to be within a few months of meeting her. By December, I had dug myself into an internet hole called craigslist and shot myself in the foot – but I learned a valuable lesson that day – well many. The first one is – Don’t get mad and leave work when your rebound tells you that you can’t be her side chick anymore. AND Don’t get overly excited when you see photos of someone that you are pining over and instantly message them without reading the actual post – because it might just surprise you. And you might wish you had just stayed at work with the other problem that you created. That was December 17, 2014. Next I will go see what I wrote about that.
Prior to that she was at Walmart buying a bike – and my little niece that loved her saw her and my sister started playing defense all around. Kid – don’t interrupt them right now. Sis – there’s something you need to know. At least the 5 year old listened. My dumb ass didn’t think twice about it and told said lady that they saw her at Walmart that day – excitedly – when she mentioned the bike… I may never learn.
Anyway – here is some damn song that made me think about that crap this morning.
I haven’t talked to my mom in ten days and I can only hope so hard that I will it into existent that she is doing what she needs to do to finally be able to support herself, again – not that she had ever done it well for long. That’s why she has so many last names. There was a time in my life that I was embarrassed that my mom had 4 kids but as I get older, I realize that I am sure that it wasn’t an easy decision to make. She grew up Catholic but I can’t imagine that ever affected her future decisions – but it could be why I have 3 siblings.
Now that there are three of us left and I pretty much take care of my brother (though many people have strong opinions about that) and my sister’s husband thing would never allow her to come stay with them, she still has no one to help her. My dad would if he could because he is one of the most giving people I know – but he has tried many times and he is too old to take the mental and physical abuse that she puts him though.
He hasn’t spoken to her since I sent her to GA with a one way plane ticket to live with a childhood friend that agreed to take her in after whatever abuse story she told him. There was a point my dad was worried that one of my mom’s drunk friends would believe her and come to retaliate. I am sure that he has PTSD from all that she has put him through. I am the only one of us that she has never physically assaulted but the one time she came close it absolutely terrified my dad.
We were in the kitchen that I grew up in. It was just over 20 years ago right after my grandfather passed away on June 30. She was in town for some child support hearing. I had ran out of gas coming from somewhere. My dad showed up to help me and she was with him. I know at that point I was extremely standoffish but there is no telling what out dynamic was. That was when my siblings were in foster-care and I was too young and far away to do a thing about it. They were in MO. My brother and I were allowed to call them once in a while. I feel like I just talked about that.
I really held a grudge and I didn’t know what had really happened or why they went. In the end, some people say that my sister came out to a psychiatrist saying that she lied about mom pushing her down the stairs. It was a steep wooden staircase to a basement, I can’t imagine that professionals couldn’t tell the damn difference. My sister says that she aged out of the system and that she threw a fit until my brother who was 12 months younger was allowed to go with her.
Back to the original point, the time I nearly fought my mom may have been the day after they put gas in my car. I was still living at home – was about to start my freshman year in high school. It was about the time that I started to get a little taller than my mom and though she was a gymnast that nearly went to the Olympics – I was in much better shape than per alcoholic 35 year old self. I was making waffles or something at the toaster and she said something that she knew would piss me off about my grandmother and everyone in the room knew exactly how I felt about that. It was the only time I had seriously bucked up to someone and I was about her fight her right there in the kitchen. My dad quickly begged me to ignore her with fear in her voice somehow reminding me that I was better than that.
I walked away and went to my room but I never forgot the day that I nearly beat my mom’s ass and I think my dad knew it. No one else in my family will hit her back and you bet she has physically abused every one of them. Brian only after her was an adult because my dad protected us well.
It’s true what they say about support systems. Though I often feel like an outsider as an adult – mainly because I think they judge Brian and I for my mom’s mental illness. They would probably rather our last name vanish with our generation than either of us pass on our last name – but who cares – not me. There is a lesbianesque story in there somewhere but I am not ready to tell it and I know better than to say such a think to such a person but yesterday I was having a conversation and I so badly wanted to say things that I found myself looking at myself in the proverbial mirror thinking what in the actual fuck.
Now for some music because I have lost my train of thought. Some really great things happened today and I almost wanted to tell her about the pizza that I was afraid someone threw away out of the freeze. I will tell one last story before I move on to songs that I listen too way too often.
Chronologically
It’s some year long ago. I am sure there is a record of the event but until then – it was around 2014 or 15 or some year. I call up the local pizza place where I happen to admire a pizza artist manager. She answers the phone to take my order and she may be away of such admiring so she doesn’t ask my name, possibly because I had invented a code pizza since I too am forever 14.
I go to pick it up and she doesn’t let me pay for it so as I float on cloud nine for a few days or however long. The uneaten pieces of my birthday pizza (I forgot that important part of the story it was on my birthday) stayed in my bachelor-like fridge for way too long. A friend of mine – who was too aware of the whole pizza love – was cleaning out the friend and told me to just put a piece in the freezer – so I did.
It stayed there for years to come until I had to move. I really didn’t want to move and I tried everything to find a way to stay but one by one every reason disappeared and I gave in. There was one big reason that I didn’t want to leave and the pizza in the fridge wasn’t it at all but it symbolized something to me that I thought a slice of pizza in the fridge that could contain biological warfare at this point would do something about. Eventually I moved that pizza into a deep freezer in the garage of the house I was staying in. No idea when, how I did such a thing without anyone noticing because if I have ever been called a hoarder – this one was not going to slide by anyone. I have now confessed to said pizza because I thought it was missing and promptly asked everyone about it not thinking about having to explain my question.
What I think makes the story worth mentioning is that sometime last year this classic pizza shop ended up closing its doors abruptly, so I do not think that many people had the chance to get their final slice. It is not edible by any means and my dad laughed and no one actually asked – probably because anyone that knows me know exactly why I have the last piece of Valentino’s pizza in my freezer.
Now for some music that tugs at my soul.
This was the first song that I loved off the album but never understood it the way I do now.
I really appreciate the passion the live version.
I don’t think war is noble
Ani DiFranco – Independence Day off Little Plastic Castle released in 1998
And I don’t like to think love is like war
But I got a big hot cherry bomb
And I want to slip it through the mail slot
Of your front door
You can’t leave me here
I got your back now
You’d better have mine
‘Cause you say the coast is clear
But you say that all the time
So many sheep I quit counting
Sleepless and embarrassed
About the way that I feel
Trying to make mole hills out of mountains
Building base camp at the bottom
Of a really big deal
You can’t leave me here
I got your back now
You’d better have mine
‘Cause you say the coast is clear
But you say that all the time
I could never vocalize how this song makes me feel.
I don’t want to be afraid.
Photos from Bella Concert Hall in Calgary by Josh Platt
It took a lot to remain calm after the way my ex was talking to me today. She thinks that is it okay to call me asking me to help get her kids ready for school, only to complain about how I am doing. We are working on separating our things, including the phone bill, but in between, its a constant struggle to remain polite without being taken advantage of. I love seeing the kids and spending time with them but I want it on my own terms, not to benefit her.
There was plenty of crying and raising voices today, just like any other day. The four year old has started saying that mommy was loud and Jen cries. It’s sad.
Everything changed when I opened my IG this evening. I saw a red dot and didn’t know what it means, so I clicked it. It was only the best surprise and the last thing I expected.
Now I am holding my breathe until 2 PM tomorrow and smiling more than I have all year.
This song doesn’t have much relevance to much. At some point when I was trying to cheer myself up, I remembered a burned CD that I found in a computer at work back at TNI. I was pretty sad at the time and decided to listen to it to see what it was. It was some Coconut Records album. It was the first time and possibly only time I had heard of them – but I like the way it makes me feel. When I think of the West Coast, I think about when She landed in San Francisco and called me. I may never forget that and can’t wait to see her tomorrow. I might even sleep tonight to celebrate. There is a part of me that wondered if I would ever hear from her again.
The Internet played this song a few minutes later and it is one of my favorite covers.
I wouldn’t mind visiting Lake Tahoe either, and this cover is pretty great too.
I saw Staind in concert with Sevendust and Marilyn Manson on Halloween of probably 2004. Was an interesting show. I missed Sevendust due to never driving on a 6 lane highway before. It was intense, in Dallas.
I’m not even sure why, but I agreed to stay with the kids while she went up to see her new girl again. This time I didn’t freak out like I usually do, until she got home. The only thing that I can imagine is that I must have had a dream between 5:30 AM when my alarm accidentally went of and when she got home at 6:11 because when the Alexa went off and said she was home, it woke me up. I felt like I have been up for hours. When she walked in the door I asked her to bring me a drink. I proceeded to cry hysterically and I didn’t even know why. I was panicking and crying, telling her that I thought she was going to come home and hold me. I explained that I thought that I was going to wake up in her arms and that she promised me she would be home in time to get her kids to school.
I left because my brother had sent me some strange messages. I got home and he was having his own breakdown. He kept getting really mad at me and yelling at me like she does. He said I didn’t care and I didn’t understand when I asked him if he would put the meth pipe away. He continued to rant about how he could die at any minute and I needed to get a pen and paper to write some things down. I couldn’t find one fast enough for him so he started telling me the same story that he has told me since it happened, nearly 2 years ago.
The only thing that was different this time, is that the girl that essentially sexually assaulted him as he slept in her bed, asked him what he was doing there after she did it. She clearly thought he was someone else, that had been drinking. I remember how mortified I was when someone accused me of saying in appropriate things to her at work and they were just words and she completely made the thing up. With him, something physically actally happened. I feel like she is gaslighting him making him feel like he did something wrong and it is tearing him up to the point where he will live in my house rent free as I am struggling mentally, emotionally and financially and smoke meth in my house without hiding it. I never saw this coming.
I tried to talk to my psychiatrist about all of the problems that I am having. I explained my excessive and uncontrollable anger. I told him about depressed I have been. I told him about my excessive spending and increased sex drive. He said it was all situational and anyone would have the problems that I am having right now. It felt like when my ex, T, would tell me that I am not autistic and that I was just dealt a really hard hand in life. I don’t know how I feel about that. I can’t change the family I was born into or the problems that they have but I keep doing my best to try to be strong and face everything head on.
What happened this morning must be part of having PTSD. I have been trying to do some research, because it was a very strange occurrence. At the time, I was quite sure that I had been laying there in bed awake since 5:30 when the alarm had gone off. After I was with my brother and he was breaking down, I got away by saying I needed to go pick up my medication and get some tacos for us to eat. As I was walking into the gas station, I remembered being startled awake by the Alexa. If I was startled awake then there is no way that I was not sleeping at that point. It all seems so blurry even though it was only this morning. Maddison kept asking me why I was crying and I couldn’t even tell her why. I have tried to explain to her that I would have the same issues with Teal when she would stay out with her friends late after working at Salt Grass. I would cause the biggest scenes and I was completely un-medicated then.
This is what my PTSD looks like
This has always been one of my favorite song but the video kind of creeps me out.
My brother came home from drinking. He is still talking about this girl that really messed him up down in Port A.
He kind of reminds me of someone I know. I have heard, “What did I do wrong?” way too many times.
I woke up and started crying within 20 minutes. Today seems extra sensitive. I took a walk to clear my mind and just cried more. She is such a big part of my life and i miss her so much. Today, i am less tough.
Feels like reckless driving when we’re talking
It’s fun while it lasts, and it’s faster than walking
But no one’s going to sympathize when we crash
They’ll say “you hit what you head for, you get what you ask”
and we’ll say we didn’t know, we didn’t even try
one minute there was road beneath us, the next just sky
I don’t even know where to go next.
